These past few posts since coming back from my unexpected hiatus have been loaded with negativity even though I was being honest.
Just know that none of that was towards any of my readers, so please understand that.
Weirdly enough, I have this reputation of being optimistic offline or occasionally online, but I’m surprised that people think that way. Then again, I did have a weakness of caring (too much) about what others think even though that’s been changing for years.
The problem is that I happened to internalize a lot of negativity, anger, and depression. It doesn’t help with my long-term memory and how I remember more bad things than good. The times where I try to get help or to get better, I get refused or people think I’m overreacting and over-analyzing. If this was someone else, then the world has to stop to help them.
Can’t you tell that I hate double standards? It’s no wonder I’ve been harboring so much frustration for most of my life and not look like anything’s wrong offline or online most of the time. I know I run the risk of sounding like I suffer from solipsism, but I seriously feel like I’m the only person who gets to suffer whether I do right or the times where I err and I personally don’t see any of that happening to anyone because it didn’t happen before my eyes. It really didn’t help when I was bullied during my youth because most of the teachers wouldn’t do anything even if I told on my enemies. Even when I was in college, these bullies would get away with so much and have connections with the student council or be considered popular. Wow, I guess me being interested in independent music or even obscure movies let alone having melanin made me a pariah. Boy, I wish I would’ve shamed everyone for their hobbies or interests as revenge to break their self-esteem. It’s a miracle how I can still smile or say anything positive from time to time.
Sorry for venting out some of my frustrations, everyone. I wish that none of you end up like me. I’m surprised that I still have people who appreciate my blogs, creative endeavors, reviews, or even my opinions on multiple subjects.
Ospreyshire's Realm 
Your blog is your soapbox, so use it as you will. As for feeling alone in your suffering, I daresay we each feel alone as we suffer. And while I’m not much on Biblical quotes, I’ll offer Matthew 5:45–“He sends rain on the just and the unjust alike.” Hope things get better.
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Thank you and that’s true. I’ve certainly used my blogs as soapboxes on multiple occasions. Thanks for the quote and I do hope things improve.
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Ospreyshire, I am the very last one who should be offering advice, but I’m also rather outspoken. You are too hard on yourself.
When I was growing up, my mother had instilled a lack of self confidence in me to the point whereas a school counselor said that I had the lowest self esteem of any student she had ever counseled. My teachers used to get frustrated at me because they knew I was smart, but I never wanted to raise my hand to answer their questions because I was shy, introverted and damaged thanks to my mother’s continuous tongue lashings about how I was always doing everything wrong. I took that with me everywhere for so long, it took me to become an adult before I started to realize my own self worth.
I still hate my mother to this day for what she did to my self esteem for so many years and I still bear the scars. You can tell by how ferociously angry I am on my own blog. I am still damaged to this very day and so I do understand internalized anger and I do understand feelings of low self esteem and worth, negativity and anger.
But with that having been said, please also know that you are truly talented. You come across as being caring, kind, considerate, compassionate, empathetic and capable of loving deeply in this world where hardly any of that exists. Keep being you. Keep doing you. And don’t underestimate your value; your worth. You are a truly remarkable human being and I am so glad that I stumbled upon your blog. And I mean every single word that I just typed.
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Sorry for the delay in responding. I have been busy with so many things and this comment went into the spam folder which is incredibly bogus. Then again, WordPress can be weird like that and I’m sure others can relate.
Now to the content of your comment. I’m aware that I can be incredibly hard on myself.
I remember reading one of your past articles about your tumultuous relationship with your mother. I wasn’t aware of how it affected you around others and in the schools you went to during your youth. NO ONE should ever have to feel that way. I was and still am introverted even before my self-esteem got damaged so much. There have been slow repairs, but it’s going to be a long road to healing. I’m incredibly sorry to hear that about how bad your self-esteem was damaged was and the school counselor realizing it then. It’s certainly taken me until adulthood to learn more about whatever self-worth I can find as well as learning about so many things.
It’s not surprising when I can see the anger in your posts. There are ways where I can relate to it. Not just with the posts where I agree with you so much on what was said (or typed in that context, if you will), but seeing that sense about you venting about so many issues. This antipathy towards your mother makes so much sense as both direct and indirect ways to when you shed light to so many things. It wasn’t your fault. In the words of Phillippe “Shock” Matthews: “Something’s not wrong with you. Something happened to you.” Thank you for relating.
I know you’ve been telling me that I’m talented which I do appreciate even though I’m not trying to fish for compliments. Even though it’s not manly to admit this, I legit teared up reading that last paragraph in your comment. It’s amazing that anyone can see those qualities in me and I do uphold kindness as a virtue which is why I naturally am compassionate and approachable in so many situations. I even get scared of myself when I say or think about how I can tear other’s down not just because I have a hard time insulting people in general, but I feared that I’d be just like the people who broke my self-esteem long ago. It’s certainly miraculous that I can still have kindness, compassion, empathy, and even love in this cold and cruel world. I’m glad that you still appreciate my content even though I can be all over the place content-wise on this blog (saying nothing about my other ones). Shelby, I can tell you meant every letter and every word of what you typed.
You have no idea how much you encouraged me today and I’m beyond thankful.
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Thank you for making the effort to fish my comment out of the spam folder as you know that is where the majority of the comments I get from you guys gets directed. Worstpress at its worst.
I am guilty of lashing out at people and I don’t think there is a thing I can do about that, my situation is so way out there. I don’t even try anymore. When something gets my goat up, I just let go regardless of whose feelings I hurt.
But as for you, I know a kindred spirit when I ‘feel’ one and I most definitely get that from you even though we have never met. I am something else and I know it. Do I have flaws? Of course, but deep down, there is a part of me that is just SO damn tired of seeing SO much wrong being done in this world and sometimes, I put everyone in the same category and damn the consequences.
By the way, my books have started trickling in and I’ll be shutting my blog down soon, now that I have an almost endless supply of books coming(and NOT from Amazon). But I want you to know that I will check in from time to time to see how you’re doing, but as for blogging, I’m done with that.
Take care,
Shelby
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No problem, Shelby. You’re not the first one to have a comment fall victim to the spam folder and I’m good at checking my comments to make sure that doesn’t happen if I know it’s not spam. I know you know the feeling when it comes to your own blog, too.
Gotcha. I understand if and when that happens.
Thank you so much. We all certainly have our flaws and I’m with you when it comes to being so angry at all the injustice in the world. While some of that injustice I knew about in different ways when I was younger, these past few years opened my eyes even more to different things I didn’t even realize.
That’s great about you getting the books. I figured you didn’t get them on Amazon, so that didn’t surprise me at all in that regard. I respect your decision if you don’t feel like blogging anymore, but it’s great that you still want to check in with me and others on WP.
Thanks, and you as well.
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I’m really sorry that you’re feeling this way, and your situation as well. I’m hoping that you can find some solace in these words right now.
People can be jerks, that’s for sure – but all I can say to you now is that when those memories gets you in the gutter, just keep your head up, give those voices the proverbial finger, and move on, stick to your passions and never forget your roots.
If you need someone to talk to, just know that I’m here and that you can talk to me about anything. I’ll remember you in my prayers and I hope that your situation gets better.
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Thanks for checking in with me. I do hope I can find some kind of solace out there.
That’s certainly true and I’ve been fighting against those voices in the past ever since. Some days are better than others though.
Thanks for the encouragement and the kind words. I really appreciate it.
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No problem friend. I know, it’s gonna be trying to find some kind of small bit of joy in these days, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Maybe try to rewatch an old show that you really liked from back in the day to rekindle some good memories? That’s what I did in my 2nd year of uni which was really damning on me.
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Sure thing. I certainly know that with all these uncertain times going on. I’m doing my best to stay occupied and to find joy wherever I can. That doesn’t sound like a bad idea about rewatching something. It’s cool that it worked for you then.
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Sometimes it’s all uphill, huh?
But venting has it’s uses! I’ve been trying to do some myself via some new poetry but I just don’t have the skill for good political satire and politics certainly seems to be where a lot of my frustration is coming from lately.
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Yeah, it truly is.
I certainly agree. Poetry is a good way to vent. I don’t blame you for your frustrations with the political aspects going on right now.
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Yes!
Down here right now, it’s the teacher bashing that I’m getting a little fed up with *long sigh*
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Teacher bashing? Man, that is totally bogus! They aren’t the problem with this whole situation. Geez, I’m sorry you had to deal with it.
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Yeah, it’s mostly from our federal government who never miss an opportunity to run us down in front of the cameras. (At least my state government is far better)
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That is so uncalled for and I’m not just angry about the teacher bashing on principle. Sure, the education system isn’t perfect, but you have all these educators trying to teach people remotely and online to make sure their students learn and retain information. At least it’s good your state is handling this better than others in Australia.
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