I Wish I Was Never A Defeatist (At Least I’m Honest About That Flaw)

There are times where I wish I took a psychology course

To realize how much my psyche has been abused in ways I never knew how or why from subtle forms

The hobbies I like(d) became objects of ridicule

Social awkwardness manifested in itself

My heritage also made me something to hate regardless of my character

Apologies were spoken ad nauseum for who I was

As if my mind wasn’t flawed enough

So many things forced me to be an autodidact

“Why even bother?” I would say or think

“I know I’m going to lose anyway.”

Stop it, brain.

“It’s always the biggest jerks who get what they want. You need to be cruel to be on top even though you’ll never get away with it.”

That didn’t come from my mind this time. It was bad advice. Get thee behind me…

“Try reprogramming yourself. They think you’re a stupid robot anyway. You’re just a useless piece of –“

SHUT UP!

The violation of my self-esteem affected me way more than I thought. Shame how any affirmative thing I say about myself can be construed as an ego.

All I do was lose, lose, lose, no matter what as I try to squeak out a semblance of a victory.

4 thoughts on “I Wish I Was Never A Defeatist (At Least I’m Honest About That Flaw)

  1. This sounds similar to my voyage through 2020 which has really made me focus on my internalized anger and judgement critic which has affected so much of my life without realizing it. That’s the weird thing about healing, it’s painful as hell. I like what Ram Dass once said in that as children growing up and being civilized by learning what we need to do to be culturally accepted always brings a form of trauma. We never become adults, just fully grown wounded children who seem to feel like something we once had that was beautiful can never fully fulfill itself in the type of world we live in. Such as being the outsider which many of us are.

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    • Is that so? I’m sorry to hear about those things, but I’m glad you were able to relate to this post. I wasn’t aware of that Ram Dass quote. It makes a ton of sense with so many being fully grown wounded children. It’s like so many passions and beliefs have died while growing up after being hurt so many times. I even get frustrated seeing so many evil or at least mean people getting ahead in life while I still suffer working hard at what I do.

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      • Thanks 2020 has been a rip everything out from under me year and I feel like there is a wall not letting me get back to some sort of normalcy. That quote was from one of his lectures on YouTube and it basically says none of us go unscathed when we are being ‘socialized’. I don’t understand the whole deal either with people succeeding or hurting others and getting away with whatever while a lot of us are suffering in silence.

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      • You’re welcome and I don’t blame you. This is sadly a new normal going on. I had moments of depression and anxiety not just with COVID, but with work, and the racial tensions in this country (certainly on principle in my case).

        Good to know about the quote. It seems like while people are socializing, there’s this suppression of being genuine as well as standing up for what’s right. I don’t understand it either even if this is obviously a fallen world. I’ve been disheartened suffering in silence for so long. Blogging has been one way where I can be more outspoken whether it’s talking about issues of film or anime as well as serious social issues going on.

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