Internalizing Issues (A Rant)

It’s been a while since I did a personal rant, but I’ve bottled up a lot of emotions recently.

As if this past year wasn’t stressful enough for everyone, I have just had enough of internalizing everything. One recurring thought I’ve had was thinking that I’m somehow always wrong and that so many bad things have happened to me. Have there been bad things that happened in my life? Yes. However, sometimes I feel like I’m the only person it ever happens to which adds to bouts of solipsism from time to time. Look, I don’t label myself as some perfect person or some beacon of morality. I’d be a filthy liar if I said that. I have low self-esteem, can be socially awkward at times, passive, can struggle with hidden meaning in people’s words, been bullied to the point of silence, thinking only bad things happen to me, and I don’t know how to be quick-witted. Whenever I had to tell on someone when I was younger, most of the time, no one would do anything about it. If I did something wrong or tried to defend myself (I’m not talking about getting physical), then I was somehow in the wrong.

It’s been rough with bottling up depressing thoughts, anger, and other negative emotions even if I’m smiling on the outside. Am I the only person this happens to? I certainly have enough self-control to not do something heinous with these emotions, so that’s a plus. What does anger me is when so many people get away with so many things. That doesn’t surprise some of you who’ve followed this blog for a while. I’ve dealt with therapists who’ve insulted me in the past which certainly burned. This feeling of being disrespected and people getting away with it even if I speak up was like being psychologically violated. It really didn’t help when I discovered long after the fact how I was being devalued in subtle ways (dog whistles, low-key insults, etc.). I would even do things out of spite to make people leave me alone like “hating” things I admitted to liking or trying to use people’s insults against them in obscure ways. Yeah, it didn’t work. That’s probably no wonder why I’ve been tempted to shame some bloggers even for something as simple as a thought on a movie, for example. I didn’t see anyone else suffer in that way, so I thought they had healthy stable lives. There have been far worse things that have happened to me in real life, but I saw so many things as negative. Glass half empty? That describes how I saw the world even during my childhood. It just sucks having to harbor so many of these bad flashbacks in my brain even when I try to forget or ignore them.

Blogging and having creative endeavors have been cathartic whether it’s poetry, writing reviews, making videos, or other things. Shame how I struggle with thinking I’m a worthless person from time to time, but at least it kept me busy when I wasn’t at work or studying for example.

Personally, it’s a miracle that anyone would be interested in what I type about or present. I wish I didn’t have to pretend everything is fine online and especially offline. Sorry for rambling. I had to get these things off my chest.

3 thoughts on “Internalizing Issues (A Rant)

  1. “I wish I didn’t have to pretend everything is fine online and especially offline.”

    I don’t know nothing about nothing, so take anything I saw with a grain of salt.

    I don’t think you need to pretend. In fact, I hope you don’t. But that begs the question: What do you do instead?

    “That’s probably no wonder why I’ve been tempted to shame some bloggers even for something as simple as a thought on a movie, for example.”

    I think you know the answer of what _not_ to do. Attacking individuals rarely works. I got a ton of examples of that! Here’s the problem: I’ll never be as good as verbal attacks as the people who use those attacks as a matter of course.

    And that’s not the arena in which I want to compete.

    So what do you do? What do we do?

    My suggestion has something to do with this: “It really didn’t help when I discovered long after the fact how I was being devalued in subtle ways (dog whistles, low-key insults, etc.).”

    That knowledge is gold.

    The ability to articulate ideas, even poetry, is also gold.

    Start there. Don’t attack. Build. Educate. Express and refine your vision of how we should be. Share those ideas. Be the spark that ignites flames that in turn send their sparks on the wind.

    It’s not as much fun as the rhetorical exchanges in the heat of the moment. But it’s a better way forward.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Fair enough. I think it’s mostly offline where I feel like I have to hide a lot of my negative emotions. Maybe I overestimated me having to “pretend” online since some of my posts do reflect my mental state at the time like reviews, poems, or rants like these. I tend to be abstract where I don’t spell out everything right or wrong with me at the time. It was really bad when I was younger when I wouldn’t let people know how I felt because I was psychologically beaten down so much.

      I see. It is hard for me to insult others anyway and I’m not a troll, so I guess I have that going for me. Are there times where I bring up uncomfortable truths to people? Of course, and I don’t deny that.

      “I’ll never be as good as verbal attacks as the people who use those attacks as a matter of course.” That’s a good quote.

      Yes, knowledge and articulating things is very important. I’ve been learning a lot over these past few years. Not going to lie, there were times when I got angry or depressed when I thought “How did I not know this when I was younger?” whether it came to history, languages, or even skills.

      Thank you, Terrance. I appreciate you doing your best to encourage me.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Pingback: Challenge: Tagging Stories with Color – Anime Rants

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