I didn’t know I was hurt THAT much in hindsight

This past week allowed me to be unexpectedly self-reflective all of a sudden. In between my blogging life, work, adulting, and everything, I was really thinking about how my life was affected negatively in ways I didn’t even think about.

It’s one thing being physically attacked which I won’t downplay if that’s happened, but bruises and cuts can heal as well as being seen. The mind is far tougher to heal.

I don’t want to be to explicit or wax some grand life story, but I started to understand the causes and effects with how I view things. There are struggles with my mental health as well as my shattered self-esteem that I’ve mentioned before, but I’ve been realizing more and more how I was damaged psychologically. It wasn’t just about explicit insults, but there was a lot of low-key things.

Some examples:

-Being told that I can’t do something or join a certain group because it is “too difficult”. (Geez, dog whistle, much?)

-Being told to just take insults and potshots with a grain of salt while others getting what they want as well as making me the bad guy if I fired back with hurtful words.

-One time a former female co-worker complained about my “male voice” despite never raising my voice at her, around her, or trying to divert attention somewhere else. If the situation was reversed and I complained about her or any woman about her voice, I’d be called a sexist. Back then, I had NEVER heard that as a negative thing before years ago.

-People making fun of my interests, but if I make fun of them in return, they suddenly freak out if I knew about their weaknesses.

-My masculinity was questioned just because I was more into artsy things instead of sports by a couple of people. Dead serious.

-My peers doing some egregious things with impunity, but I do something far less severe and I’m punished for it.

-There were times where I apologized for things I didn’t do even though no one believed me that I didn’t do something when I was a kid.

-I was told by a now-ex-friend that I was being “unchristlike” when I vented out some frustration online even though I wasn’t attacking anyone. I wished I never sought this person’s validation when it came to friendship or even music. They even insulted me and humiliated me while pretending to console me after the fact and I should’ve called out this person more often. Maybe this person wanted a medal for mistreating me while trying to seem righteous while using me or others to get some indie rep or possibly moving to Portland…

That’s just some of the things among worse examples that are far more profane. Some of these emotions welled up and I held a lot of it inside.

There were some very negative side effects because I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone since no one would believe me or they say I’m making this a bigger deal than it should be. Not only that, but I wouldn’t talk to people for hours on end and I even had periods of self-harm years ago which really didn’t help. I just kept smiling despite being full of agony as I was going along to get along. As I get older, I realized how much others have used me as some kind of object or stepping stone without me knowing about it, how I’m not allowed to speak my mind, or how I’m supposed to just be oppressed with these microaggressions. It’s no wonder I’ve been so messed up in different ways, and I feel like I have to be an autodidact with my recovery. This isn’t going to be instantaneous.

I’m not sorry for this being a more depressing post. I wished I never had any pain in my life as well as immediately identifying all attempts of abuse at me even during my childhood. Shame how so many people never took my issues seriously.

2 thoughts on “I didn’t know I was hurt THAT much in hindsight

  1. “It’s one thing being physically attacked which I won’t downplay if that’s happened, but bruises and cuts can heal as well as being seen. The mind is far tougher to heal.”

    This has been on my mind a lot lately. If I get hit by a car, it’s expected that I’d go to the hospital. No one expects me to set my broken bones by myself. But if someone delivers emotional or psychological damage, there’s still stigma attached to seeking treatment.

    That is irrational.

    You listed some of the things you’ve endured. It’s completely reasonable those things would leave damage, and it’s damage that as a species we’re still not well positioned to treat. The fact you’re making progress at all is a big plus.

    “I’m not sorry for this being a more depressing post.”

    It didn’t come across as depressing. You’re coming to terms with what happened in your past, and far from being depressing, it’s up-lifting.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your comment, Terrance.

      I’m glad you can relate and see some of the implications of the physical/psychological paradigms of hurt. If someone were to be severely injured, people have sympathy if one is a victim and someone is there to help (doctors, medical staff, etc.). With psychological trauma, there’s no physical “evidence” if you will and it can be very subtle. Especially coming at this from a male perspective, any kind of psychological abuse being admitted is somehow a form of weakness which is a shame when admitted.

      Yeah, and this is no easy thing admitting all of this and trying to make sense of everything in my life.

      That’s good because I’ve been known to be morose on this blog and my offline life when I talk with certain people. Thank you for reading this and doing your best to encourage me. I’ve had some conversations with other bloggers and I feel like people are listening to me so I don’t feel alone.

      Liked by 1 person

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