I’m doing everything I can not to think I’m an artistic failure.

Yippee skippy! Another Ospreyshire post that’s about my self-loathing issues! Hooray!

Please tell me that my morbid sarcasm came through in that first line because I’m rarely ever sarcastic in both my online and offline life.

This has been a marathon in reassessing my mental health and self-esteem. While it was fun working on another video project even if it was on the shorter side, I still hit some roadblocks in my creative life. I just realized how much some of my older material sucks whether it’s my poetry, fiction, some videos, or even the actual Ospreyshire material. Maybe this is me being older, but I felt like I haven’t fine-tuned what limited talents I had. What really doesn’t help is that people told me I was untalented years ago or whenever I do something great, they don’t see it or they try to downplay it if they do.

Yes, I still struggle with people pleasing.

I had a disturbing realization when I heard this one quote from a video I saw recently was where someone said (this is a paraphrase, by the way) “You somehow think that the enemy is perfect.” That quote really hit me hard because I secretly had that thought in the back of my head like how I was “trying” to be like the people who abused me even though I didn’t realize it back then. Maybe I believed in my mind years ago that if I got their validation, then I would be respected. Boy, was I totally wrong. Sure there were open bullies that I never wanted to be like, but it was the subtle ones that I low-key wanted to emulate even though I wouldn’t admit it. I was trying to fit in some circles where I wanted to belong, but never could. Whether it was me practicing my instrumental prowess or namedropping different bands, I thought it was somehow good enough. That affected me since it was a way of being someone else to avoid being my (worthless) self then. I guess blogging forced me not to do that as much in unexpected ways.

Anyways, I feel like I need to work harder with all of my talents so I can be seen as talented. Maybe not in the same way of how horrible people are still praised because of let’s say their musical talent, sporting abilities, or how well they can direct a movie, but I want to be seen as an innovator in whatever I attempt to create something. The odds have ALWAYS been stacked against me since I was born, so I had to work harder than all my peers whether it was in school, work, or any creative project I invested myself in. Shame that I wanted to get really good fast and quit certain activities or fell out of certain scenes out there.

I’m trying to find any worth in what I do.

16 thoughts on “I’m doing everything I can not to think I’m an artistic failure.

  1. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. (I’m back in an art slump myself. Can’t think of a word to better describe my work than ‘garbage’ at the moment.) but I’m happy that you’re pushing forward and striving to improve. It’s always good when you can turn negative feelings into positive development. Remember, don’t create specifically for other people. You have to create for yourself first. If you create for other people above all else, you’ll lose the enjoyment of it much more quickly. Plus, it’s always more fulfilling when you create for yourself and everyone else still enjoys it just as much.

    Keep moving forward! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Sorry to hear about you having an art slump again. Thanks for trying to relate. I’m doing my best with everything. It’s been rough because these negative emotions can be an uphill battle with me. Thanks for the reminder because that was something I struggled with when I was younger. I’ve been doing things for myself ever since I started the Ospreyshire project. Yes, it was interesting getting signed to a small label when it happened, but I wanted to do something very unique even though I have that mindset with my blogs, poems, and other works.

      Thank you so much, Fiddletwix!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “I was trying to fit in some circles where I wanted to belong, but never could.”

    Who do you want to be? I’m not asking how you want others to see you. Who do _you_ want to be?

    The older I get, the more I think that’s the only real question that matters. There’s exactly one person you’re stuck with for life, and that yourself.

    “Anyways, I feel like I need to work harder with all of my talents so I can be seen as talented.”

    Do you want to be seen as talented, or do you want to develop your talents? If you shoot for the first, you may make progress, but only by trying to interpret how others see you. If you focus on developing your talents, then you’ll develop your talents. Others can elect to see it or not, but you might as well establish the reality first!

    “but I want to be seen as an innovator in whatever I attempt to create something.”

    For what it’s worth, your reviews have details and speak from a perspective that’s interesting and unique. No compliment here; just a fact. Well, two facts (details and perspective…).

    “I’m trying to find any worth in what I do.”

    If you figure out how to do that, please do publish it. I’ll pay cash money to read it! I’ve had to accept the realization that I think everything I’ve ever written sucks. I often ask why I bother, but I know the answer to that question, too. I can’t _not_ write. I hate my work, but I can’t stop. So, no chance of me ever giving up!

    So please do find a different solution than I’ve come up with. I don’t recommend it!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Good questions, Terrance. There’s many things I want to be. I don’t know how or if I’ll achieve these things though. I want to be an innovator in what I do (creatively and even in my work life), educating others, and being worthy in everything I do. There’s other things that I want to be, but I feel like that will be a long list.

      The answer about talents is both assuming if I can have it both ways. I do my best to develop my talents, but some days are better than others given real life commitments and all.

      Thanks for the compliment about my reviews. Reviewing different media is a talent that I do have including writing.

      I wish I had the answer about finding self-worth, Terrance. I would certainly publish it if I had a foolproof answer. Don’t be so tough on yourself when it comes to writing. I certainly can’t stop either.

      Fair enough. Thanks for commenting on here.

      Like

  3. Thanks for these words, ospreyshire. There are people who make it their job to manipulate others, to see what they can get away with, to filter everything through their limited sieves. Art is your unique expression of what you witness and how you perceive the world and those around you. This is what makes your art thrive, what keeps you alive.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. As others have commented I’ve also had moments hating my older work. Omd when I read some of my old books I’m like… nope! I even heavily edited one but it makes me happy that I can see it’s bad or needs work you know? Like I can spot what’s lacking and fix it. In that way I can see that my skills as a writer are improving. So I guess, silver lining?
    Also you never know there may be someone who loves your work and waits every week to read what you have to say. People find it easier to criticise than to praise so your admirers may be admiring in silence. It wasn’t until I wrote fanfiction anonymously that I thought, wow so this is what it’s like to have people like your writing.
    Sometimes taking a break and having fun writing can be the answer (for me it was fanfiction but for you it may be something else)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Gotcha. It’s interesting how you feel the same way with your works.

      Sometimes I do wonder if and when I have followers who want to know what I’m going to write next besides my film reviews on my other blog at Iridium Eye. That’s definitely true about people liking to criticize everything.

      Very good. Thanks for your comment, Gift!

      Liked by 1 person

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