Thoughts and Delving into My Bad Habit of Self-Loathing

I wondered if encouraging others and showing support was enough.

While it felt good saying kind words, promoting the works of others, and even purchasing some works of others whenever I had a bit of fun money (books, music, art, etc.), I wondered if my words and actions mattered in the long run. There were some thankful people which is awesome and I appreciate it, but sometimes I wouldn’t get a response after doing something kind to someone. I pondered if I was somehow not good enough to support others and don’t even get me started about my experiences of some very ungrateful people out there. It made me think if my support and help even mattered to others. How should I know? Sometimes I never get the responses if anyone actually cares.

Besides that, I’ve been doing my best not to feel down…again.

I feel like every day I remember horrible memories and how certain things said and done to me were more abusive in hindsight. There were times that I wish I would’ve stuck with different hobbies or skills. Then I will be more appreciated by others and people would be forced to say that I have talents instead of having to prove everything to anyone or everyone. If I had more confidence back then, I would make sure to shut down their insults quickly. Maybe I would’ve counteracted to verbally destroy their self-esteem to defend myself. Life is really stupid like that as I know the past can’t be changed. I could keep creating things, but I know they won’t be up to par no matter how much effort I put in. I can’t lie. I’ve also been jealous of other bloggers on WordPress as they seem to have better lives than I do, have more self-esteem, and somehow always know the right words to say.

6 thoughts on “Thoughts and Delving into My Bad Habit of Self-Loathing

  1. I get what you mean. I feel slighted whenever I help someone online, wish them happy birthday, congratulate them, #FF them every week, contribute to the Kickstarter, hell I even bought a book by one person, yet I never get a thanks, or any sort of reply when it is my birthday or anything. It is a kick to the self-esteem, making me wonder if I am so insignificant to other people that they feel they can ignore me like that.

    Of course, social media is a vast space and not every tweet is seen if someone has a huge following or are following numerous accounts, the pain is not knowing if it is this or simple selfish ignorance.

    Then again, this extends to most things like posting on my blog and only getting a couple of token likes and scant comments, putting a piece of artwork or a short film online and having it ignored whilst a selfie of some pouting trollop or a cat falling over gets more attention!

    I guess all you can do is try and immerse yourself in something you enjoy or can escape to and hope it serves as sufficient distraction to help ease the pain.

    Stay strong!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for understanding. I can certainly relate to some of the situations you mentioned on there. It does make me wonder if I am insignificant even when I’m doing something positive for someone like saying kind things, promoting their stuff, or buying some of their works.

      Very true and that applies to blogs here.

      Yeah, I can definitely see that and it is infuriating when those situations happen.

      Sure thing. I’ve been doing my best to do others things as well as educating myself on different matters.

      Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Your words and actions matter. To someone. I believe The vast majority of people are just too distracted, caught up in their own affairs, or are not in the state of mind to care or understand you. But a few are. And you are meant to connect with them. That’s my viewpoint anyways.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s what I’ve wondered. There were times where I felt like the good deeds I’ve done somehow doesn’t count, but if I stumble with the slightest thing, then it overrides everything else even though there are those who’ve done horrific things who are treated with kid’s gloves (story for another day). Thanks for bringing your insight on this matter.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Curtis, you make feel guilty. I know I have not always reciprocated your kindness and support. For that that, I am sorry. I appreciate you, Curtis. Today I am on your blog because it came in my email. One of the few times I’ve gotten a notification of a new post from your blog. Lately, I started getting notifications about blogs I follow. Haven’t gotten them for years they were going to junk or spam mail. I understand how it feels to support people who don’t reciprocate. When I become negative, I remember those are thoughts and not reality. You are worthy. You don’t other people’s validation.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Don’t worry about it, Angela. I’m sorry to know that you’ve felt guilty. I’ve had similar feelings when talking to people I know offline or online. That’s strange with the notifications going to spam or junk mail. Thank you for the encouraging words.

      Liked by 1 person

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