I just really need to vent now

A lot of stress has been building up over the past couple of weeks. I’ve been working a lot, but I’ve had little time to decompress. I had feelings of depression and anxiety a ton recently. While it was good seeing some encouraging messages from people for situations irrelevant to my blog for different reasons, I still feel like I’m just a failure. My content on here hasn’t been up to par, I am struggling with material on here, and I think a ton of my projects are just going to be doomed to fail. Sometimes I wonder why I even both with this kind of stuff on here. I’ve also been angry as I realize how much more I’ve been manipulated and gaslighted. Being silenced all this time has enraged me and I realized that not everything was my fault or I wasn’t wrong all the time. It sickens me how people want to cling onto toxic positivity and ignore reality. It was like I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion or to speak truth to others. I wondered if others got or still get uncomfortable when I mention some of these things that aren’t popular or positive. Someone like me doesn’t have the privilege for that kind of convenience. That’s not even getting into the deluge of hypocrisy I’m seeing both offline and online from various people or some random things I managed to catch on TV. It is beyond frustrating seeing people get away with crap that is wrong as well as something I would NEVER get a free pass for if I was a jerk or straight up heinous. I don’t want to pretend that everything is alright because I’m struggling with my mental health. I don’t know how consistent I will be with posting things on this blog. Don’t get it twisted. I’m not asking for sympathy or fishing for compliments. I just had to get some of these emotions out of my chest. God, I feel like damaged goods.

18 thoughts on “I just really need to vent now

  1. Thanks for posting this, Ospreyshire. Venting is a healthy alternative to exploding in rage or imploding in self-disdain. I had just finished responding to a rant from a born-again Republican and antifa hunter when I visited here. Racism remains the greatest continuing crime of white supremacism and they are becoming ever bolder idiots as time slips by. The Trump Doctrine continues to define the right-wing forces out there. They continue to beat the drum of impatient hate, lashing out at anything or anyone that might deviate from their comfortable white supremacist convictions. All reminding me of a line from Yeats’ Second Coming:

    The best lack all conviction while the worst are filled with passionate intensity.

    The time may never come to rest on our laurels, but try we must. Hand in there, friend.

    Liked by 3 people

    • You’re welcome, Bill. I have a bad habit of internalizing a lot of anger and sadness, so blogging has helped whenever I have to talk about something important or at the very least mentioning brutally honest feelings about something. Sorry to hear that you dealt with a racist idiot recently. I’ve certainly had similar moments of those types freaking out about things at me offline. Thanks for the encouragement.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Let it all out. You gotta post what u got. Sometimes it’s not as good as you’d like it to be. It’s just good to hear what’s on your mind. And helpful! To the rest of us as well. Too much positivity is toxic. It’s refreshing to hear honesty. Hang in there. I know your frustrated. Work through it. Exercise.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. I can relate to a lot of your feelings as I have them too. My blog is almost 10 years old yet my stats are weak; I have 1,835 followers on Twitter but only a few people actually interact with me; I have ten years worth of short films on Vimeo that have hardly been viewed. And yes, it gets me down when people can go viral for putting on make-up or filming their cat falling off a chair but what can I do except persevere and hope someone, somewhere does get to se it and enjoys it.

    Plus, if I didn’t do this, I’d go mad, so I feel fortunate that I do have some kind of creative drive in me that I can rely on to temporarily distract me from the negatives in the world. And I am sure you have that in you too, otherwise you wouldn’t have started this blog.

    As far as your mental health is concerned, it’s a cliché but you clearly need to talk to someone if you are feeling low and depressed, even if it is an impartial professional because you can’t keep this load to yourself. Obviously, I can’t lecture you on taking medication but I have been fortunate enough to have been helped by my prescription. But I am also aware that my issues are also Autism related so every case needs to be evaluated on its own merits.

    However, you choose to get through this, please make sure you do try and realise that beating this means you are stronger than you think, and you CAN beat this!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thanks for relating. I didn’t realize your blog was that old or you having those kind of endeavors outside of WordPress. It can be quite frustrating when lazier people seem to be adored and get a bunch of views and/or money.

      It’s good that you use blogging as a form of catharsis. It has helped me a lot with blogging especially after being bullied into silence in my life and dealing with the hypocrisy in this world.

      Right and I appreciate the advice.

      I appreciate you encouraging me as I’m dealing with these issues.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hey Curtis. I get it. I am going through something similar. Can’t watch TV or read the news because it enrages me to see some people commit the most heinous crimes and get a slap on the wrist and opportunities to write a book about their crimes and be an expert on CNN or Fox. While driving black becomes a fatal event and it’s justified by the same criminal system that lets domestic terrorists walk free. I struggle to find a place to live and food to eat. I hear about people getting grants and assistance where I am not eligible. It’s depressing and defeating to spend your life helping people and now it’s hard to help yourself. For POC, that’s life, isn’t it?


    • Angela, nice to hear back from you. I know you can relate and I don’t blame you for feeling that way with the news. Sometimes the positive stories get buried as well as outnumbered by all these heinous acts. It’s disheartening hearing that about your situation. With that said, I know the feeling of helping others almost to a fault.


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