I have a hard time letting go

I could be ranting about the situations going on in the world and not just what’s happening in Ukraine, but I was thinking of my own personal conflicts going on. Recently, I’ve been having terrible flashbacks of people bullying and disrespecting me, but getting away with it. Some of those moments involved me confronting them, but I’m treated like the bad guy even though I didn’t do anything immoral. It’s like the world just wants to toss me in the garbage can. No wonder I struggle with internalizing so many hurts because I feel like no one listens to me or believes me whenever I do speak up while others are treated with kid’s gloves. I don’t want to be disrespected and I hate being treated like the villain for standing up for myself, but it’s cool for people to do vile crap and they have an excuse. Everyone in the world has an excuse except me. That’s how it feels. There were times when I was a doormat in hindsight when I was younger and I held onto those horrible memories. Letting go isn’t that easy when my memory still holds onto those bad experiences. I don’t see others getting the same treatment for trying to stand up for themselves.

I guess I’m just an anomaly and a miserable exception. While some others have it worse than me, I’ll just sit here in pure despair after trying so hard to empower myself. Don’t worry. I’m. Used. To. It!

How do you deal with people who’ve wronged you in the past? Have you ever held grudges?

10 thoughts on “I have a hard time letting go

  1. With recent experiences, I know there’s one grudge I shall probably hold for a long time, but most because of how severe the loss was. Aside from that, I feel quite similar to you. People standing up for themselves do tend to get villainised while the bullies are shown compassion because ” they have a troubled life.” Like, I’ve got a troubled life too, but it doesn’t give immunity type licenses to be an arsehole to others (excluding spiders, screw those little demonspawns). Recently, though, I have had to find worth in myself that I respect from myself, if that makes sense. Even if others don’t see it or don’t know it’s there, it’s something that I do entirely for me. Gratitude from others would be nice, even basic respect, but in a world that constantly has to beat down and oppress someone or something else to feel like a superior or “worthy” individual, I’d rather put that energy towards my own mental well-being and that of my cats, I mean friends. Of course, yes. Friends.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for relating and I’m sorry you had a grudge that is so long. Good to know I’m not the only one who has been villainized just for standing up for myself even if I’m not hurting anyone or doing anything inappropriate. I hate that “troubled life” excuse. What? Like I’ve never had a troubled life or had severe issues that happened to me that weren’t my fault? I could go on mentioning how I’ve suffered, but that’s for another day and some of that information I’ve mentioned before. It’s good that you have a plan to deal with your hurts. Nothing wrong with having cats and friends around.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I had to let go of almost my entire family(except for my cousin)because I was tired of being demonized for living my life as I so choose. I had to write a poem, directed at my own mother, telling her off because I will no longer be disrespected, talked to like I’m dirt and have no feelings and I refuse to tolerate her relentless disparaging comments to me when all I’ve ever done is help her. I have not seen her in over 4 years and if I never see her, it would be too soon. Some may think this harsh, but step into my shoes and they’d soon wonder why I didn’t do this years ago.

    Believe me, Ospreyshire, you are not alone in how you feel about having a hard time letting go. It took me too many years to finally come to terms with the fact that my family is made up of snakes and I’ve let go. They know better than to even look in my direction. Just keep believing in yourself and try not to dwell on what’s been done to you or do like I did, express yourself in any way that you choose, directed at whomever has hurt you or disrespected you and see if that does any good. Believe me, that poem that I wrote to my mother was healing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for commenting on here. I do remember some of your stories involving your issues with your various family members. I do remember that poem you wrote a while ago and how I wouldn’t wish what you went through to anyone.

      I appreciate you reaching out and I have trouble letting go. It doesn’t help that I have a really good long-term memory and most of the stuff that I (don’t try) to remember have been the negative things that have happened. Over the past few months, I underestimated a few things like when I was learning about low-key forms of psychological manipulation or abuse that I never realized before. I struggled with being silenced, but blogging has allowed me to be more outspoken even though I need to work on that more often in my offline life, to be honest. Thank you, Shelby.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It might help to find a good counselor. I’ve met several good ones through the years; and some not so good.

    I am not saying there’s anything wrong with you. Just suggesting getting a trained professional’s perspective can be helpful.

    I hate giving advice, so take this for what it’s worth: I’ve heard lots of people say things like “No one can hurt you if you don’t let them.” I would honestly like to know the color the sky on their world, because I’d bet good money it’s not blue. People with positional power, people with money, etc. can and do inflict a ton of damage. Some intentional, some accidental. Being alive means taking damage.

    A professional can help give you perspective.

    And Grand Admiral Nyan King (BiblioNyan) is right about cats. There’s nothing like waking up in the middle of the night to realize your cat has decided, “Okay, hooman, I’ll grace you with my presence.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve had mixed experiences with counselors, especially during my college years. I felt like they weren’t doing enough and I felt like I couldn’t say everything even if something really hurt me. There was one counselor in training I went to who eventually made fun of me during a counseling session which really burned my trust.

      Thanks for saying that nothing’s wrong with me because some people have said that to me even though I had legitimate grievances.

      It’s so rough and it’s like my thoughts didn’t even matter to other people even with some other bloggers (not you though).

      Good point even though I don’t have any pets. Some Sarper Duman cat piano videos have cheered me up at times before, so that was the next best thing even if they were temporary. Bonus points for using the term “hooman”. Haha!

      Like

  4. You are not an anomaly, many of us have been bullied, demonised, left to feel inferior and haven’t been able to get through to the other side. I still have moments of recall about being bullied both and school and in my first two jobs, neither of which were resolved to any real satisfaction (well, the school one sort of did).

    Being Autistic it is somewhat inherent in me to be racked with doubt and low self-esteem as well as holding onto long term resentment, either though I know they can’t hurt me any more directly, mentally and emotionally I remain haunted by them.

    So, again you are not alone in this. I hope one day, you can find the peace you need to move on and be happy in life.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks. I’m trying to tell myself that I’m not an anomaly even when it sometimes feels like the case. I’m sorry to hear that you were bullied at school and at work.

      That’s something I can relate with long term resentment and low self-esteem.

      I do hope I can find peace in this situation.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. A grudge? Yes, I have. This is a TLDR’d version of the following post: https://traditionalcatholicweeb.wordpress.com/2021/05/03/the-traditional-catholic-weeb-speaks-close-encounter-with-a-rukia-fangirl/

    For the longest time I had a grudge on this one girl, let’s call her “evil Rukia fangirl”, from back in high school. I had a crush on her you see, and for the first quarter of high school she and I were on very good terms. We’d say hi to each other, joke around, and truth be told she had a lot of impressive things to her character, like being trilingual (English, Tagalog and Japanese!). She stopped talking me for an unspecified reason in second year of high school and acted coldly towards me from then on, even when I was with my friends (who she was on good terms with too). When I graduated, I just flat out hated her and wished the worst for her on account of her psychological bullying.

    I’ve since forgiven her in the spirit of Christian charity, and don’t think about her much, but she’s not a person that I’d ever think of befriending or associating with ever since I left. Not to sound sappy but I think the best advice is to hope for the best for them and that they’ve changed their ways. People today, you’ll be surprised can be different from how you knew them in high school. I hope all the best to you in dealing with this, though. Having somewhat been in your place I know too well how deep those scars can be.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for sharing your experience with the grudge. I knew you had issues with Rukia and Bleach, but I didn’t realized it stemmed from a fangirl who treated you badly in high school. She sounds very callous. Thank you for relating.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s