This past week allowed me to be unexpectedly self-reflective all of a sudden. In between my blogging life, work, adulting, and everything, I was really thinking about how my life was affected negatively in ways I didn’t even think about.
It’s one thing being physically attacked which I won’t downplay if that’s happened, but bruises and cuts can heal as well as being seen. The mind is far tougher to heal.
I don’t want to be to explicit or wax some grand life story, but I started to understand the causes and effects with how I view things. There are struggles with my mental health as well as my shattered self-esteem that I’ve mentioned before, but I’ve been realizing more and more how I was damaged psychologically. It wasn’t just about explicit insults, but there was a lot of low-key things.
-Being told that I can’t do something or join a certain group because it is “too difficult”. (Geez, dog whistle, much?)
-Being told to just take insults and potshots with a grain of salt while others getting what they want as well as making me the bad guy if I fired back with hurtful words.
-One time a former female co-worker complained about my “male voice” despite never raising my voice at her, around her, or trying to divert attention somewhere else. If the situation was reversed and I complained about her or any woman about her voice, I’d be called a sexist. Back then, I had NEVER heard that as a negative thing before years ago.
-People making fun of my interests, but if I make fun of them in return, they suddenly freak out if I knew about their weaknesses.
-My masculinity was questioned just because I was more into artsy things instead of sports by a couple of people. Dead serious.
-My peers doing some egregious things with impunity, but I do something far less severe and I’m punished for it.
-There were times where I apologized for things I didn’t do even though no one believed me that I didn’t do something when I was a kid.
-I was told by a now-ex-friend that I was being “unchristlike” when I vented out some frustration online even though I wasn’t attacking anyone. I wished I never sought this person’s validation when it came to friendship or even music. They even insulted me and humiliated me while pretending to console me after the fact and I should’ve called out this person more often. Maybe this person wanted a medal for mistreating me while trying to seem righteous while using me or others to get some indie rep or possibly moving to Portland…
That’s just some of the things among worse examples that are far more profane. Some of these emotions welled up and I held a lot of it inside.
There were some very negative side effects because I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone since no one would believe me or they say I’m making this a bigger deal than it should be. Not only that, but I wouldn’t talk to people for hours on end and I even had periods of self-harm years ago which really didn’t help. I just kept smiling despite being full of agony as I was going along to get along. As I get older, I realized how much others have used me as some kind of object or stepping stone without me knowing about it, how I’m not allowed to speak my mind, or how I’m supposed to just be oppressed with these microaggressions. It’s no wonder I’ve been so messed up in different ways, and I feel like I have to be an autodidact with my recovery. This isn’t going to be instantaneous.
I’m not sorry for this being a more depressing post. I wished I never had any pain in my life as well as immediately identifying all attempts of abuse at me even during my childhood. Shame how so many people never took my issues seriously.
It’s scientifically proven that smiling is easier since there’s less muscles to use.
If it was physically easier, then why does it still hurt after the fact? I can’t lie to you, I have struggled in the past as being a people pleaser of sorts. Blogging has helped diminish that somewhat, but it still lingers. I tried telling people I wasn’t alright, but they tell me I should keep smiling more or they wouldn’t care about how bad I would feel then. Whether it was me being depressed or angry, it was somehow a nuisance to them. This was just bad advice in hindsight and probably affected my mental health in low key ways.
Are people that inconvenienced at best or scared at worst when I’m in a negative mood? Then again, I’ve seen my fair share of other people acting up way worse than I even could on my worst days and no one seems to call them out, but it’s whatever…
On here or my other blogs, I’d feel like I’d be lying if I said everything was pure sunshine even if I was genuinely happy when I typed something out.
I just wished others including my own friends and family would listen to me and care about my emotional well-being. It’s a shame how some people told me I’m being selfish for asking such a thing, but others aren’t. Thanks for feeding my solipsism, jerks.
Sorry for not having any poetry or any creative posts today. Smiling can be such a chore for me even before these pandemic-filled times. Shame on everyone who subtly violated my mental health in such stealthy ways years ago. This isn’t some kind of sympathy post. I had to get this off my chest as I’m self-analyzing my life.
It has been a long time since I’ve been tagged on this page, but it has happened. I was tagged by 7mononoke from Anime Rants. Thank you very much! This sounds like a very unique tag to be a part of. Also, bonus points if anyone gets the music reference in my title for this post.
Here are the rules for this tag:
#1 Share your favourite stories—movies/books/anime/manga/drama/songs—by classifying them on these seven colours’ traits:
red: passionate, exciting, invigorating
blue: peaceful, calming
pink: romantic, caring
orange: warm, motivating
black: mysterious, thrilling
green: fresh, unexpected
#2 Send this challenge invitation to at least one of your friends. Let them fear your superiority, as you—decide their fate.
#3 Link back to the original post here! And, enjoy!
Alright. Let’s do this!
This would be my pick for red. Paprika is certainly experimental like most of Satoshi Kon’s work, but it’s very exciting and passionate with the imagery and multi-tiered storytelling. Some of you know about my strong feelings when it comes to an obvious film plagiarism issue associated with this movie, but I’m going to focus on the obvious original factors. Paprika also plays with passion or in Konakawa’s case lack thereof and the journey between dreams and reality is surreal, but forces you to pay attention.
This is more of a recent-ish watch since I first saw it a couple of years ago. There’s certainly lots of blues since most of the movie takes place near or on the ocean, but this really was a calming movie. Alamar wasn’t some deep watch, but it was very relaxing with this father and son bonding near the water. I first saw it during the winter when it was insane with the extreme polar vortex and with tons of snow on some days. It was a peaceful movie of characters just living life and there’s a healthy family relationship that doesn’t involve family drama nor does the father die in this film.
The Place Promised In Our Early Days
This one was tough because I’m not a fan of romantic movies. The closest thing to a romance work that I really like is Makoto Shinkai’s first full-length film. The Place Promised In Our Early Days would be far closer to describe as a war drama with some sci-fi elements given the concept of the parallel universes playing a major role in the plot. This has one of the best love triangles I’ve ever seen in movies and there was some great characterization. Of course, most anime fans will Stan harder for Your Name, Weathering With You, or (GOD FORBID!) The Garden of Words, but The Place Promised is still an impactful watch even years later.
Hikaru no Go
Hikaru no Go is one anime and manga series I’ve enjoyed since I was in high school and it still holds up. I’ve certainly praised it for it’s originality, believable characters, and destroying multiple shonen anime tropes. Heck, this series was a major inspiration for the last single and video I made (notice the go imagery) late last year. This was a motivating series to watch not just with learning about the game of go, but it also shows perseverance in a non-cheesy light while being genuine about it.
Maasai: The Rain Warriors
Even more recent than watching Alamar, I discovered this Kenyan movie not too long ago. I don’t want to just put anime on this list even though I certainly have a reputation for talking about that subject on one of my other blogs. Maasai: The Rain Warriors was a very fascinating watch with it using actual Maasai actors, using the Maa language as opposed to English or even Swahili, and incorporating Afro-fantasy with a low-key magic realism to it. There’s mysterious aspects with the adventure to stop this demonic lion from cursing the land with drought. There were some nice twists and turns while being respectful to this indigenous tribe in Kenya. No, there is absolutely no pun involving the choice of movie with this color, so calm down.
Lunch Time Heroes
This is the first Nollywood movie I have seen! I know there were some pacing and plotting issues, but Lunch Time Heroes was one movie that I thought was better than what most critics said. It was fresh and unexpected with how much I enjoyed this movie. Sure, the plot is simple with a teacher thrust into a classroom full of troublesome students while taking part in an academic competition against other schools in Nigeria, but how they did it was entertaining and in some cases deconstructive. I’m not a fan of “save our students” plots, but this was done right. Lunch Time Heroes was also the 2nd “save our students” movie I’ve seen in my life that DIDN’T resort to white savior tropes (the 1st is Stand and Deliver) even if it was due to the geographic location. Not only that, but it’s an African movie that takes place in a middle-class setting which is something Hollywood wouldn’t dare show that side of the continent. Lunch Time Heroes was a simple, yet very unexpected watch for me.
You know, my interests can be quite random. I can delve into avant-garde and arthouse works, but at the same time I can watch something wacky from time to time. I’m not always this super serious or highbrow person, everyone. I do have a sense of humor and a sense of levity. Shinesman is one of my favorite anime comedies and parody works in general. When I tell other people about this, I mention that Shinesman is like a mix between Power Rangers and The Office, but that’s scratching the surface. It has one of my top 3 dubs that are better than the original Japanese version. The humor consists of over-the-top tokusatsu spoofing, low-key zingers, and even makes some cheeky jokes about anime fandoms. This still makes me laugh to this day seeing this obscure 90s OVA series. I would also like to see a remake and if they could get as many of the original dub cast members to reprise their roles, I’d be elated.
Avant-garde art and experimental films one day Indie BritWres matches the next Anime after that Historical documentaries the day after Sprinkling some nonfiction books in between Before delving in manga pages After writing haikus and fiction concepts in a notebook
Why am I a walking contradiction with these hobbies?