Too Many Vices, Too Many Frustrations

Sometimes it’s hard to keep track of the chaos

2021 certainly has it’s issues to say the least

Tension is still fraught and the year isn’t half done yet

This won’t go away with a light switch

The pressure was too far to even allow a finger to turn positivity on

Hatred still permeates

Teachers take pictures of their feet on the necks of 10 year olds

People figuratively and literally push each other with prejudice

Petty arguments pile up online or offline

Social media slave auctions occur in schools

With little punishments happening

Bone rooms become exposed in universities

How far has society truly progressed?

It’s a deluge of sorrows and paranoia

In the crosswinds of division

When the heart is pumped with gloom from the earth

I’m doing everything I can not to think I’m an artistic failure.

Yippee skippy! Another Ospreyshire post that’s about my self-loathing issues! Hooray!

Please tell me that my morbid sarcasm came through in that first line because I’m rarely ever sarcastic in both my online and offline life.

This has been a marathon in reassessing my mental health and self-esteem. While it was fun working on another video project even if it was on the shorter side, I still hit some roadblocks in my creative life. I just realized how much some of my older material sucks whether it’s my poetry, fiction, some videos, or even the actual Ospreyshire material. Maybe this is me being older, but I felt like I haven’t fine-tuned what limited talents I had. What really doesn’t help is that people told me I was untalented years ago or whenever I do something great, they don’t see it or they try to downplay it if they do.

Yes, I still struggle with people pleasing.

I had a disturbing realization when I heard this one quote from a video I saw recently was where someone said (this is a paraphrase, by the way) “You somehow think that the enemy is perfect.” That quote really hit me hard because I secretly had that thought in the back of my head like how I was “trying” to be like the people who abused me even though I didn’t realize it back then. Maybe I believed in my mind years ago that if I got their validation, then I would be respected. Boy, was I totally wrong. Sure there were open bullies that I never wanted to be like, but it was the subtle ones that I low-key wanted to emulate even though I wouldn’t admit it. I was trying to fit in some circles where I wanted to belong, but never could. Whether it was me practicing my instrumental prowess or namedropping different bands, I thought it was somehow good enough. That affected me since it was a way of being someone else to avoid being my (worthless) self then. I guess blogging forced me not to do that as much in unexpected ways.

Anyways, I feel like I need to work harder with all of my talents so I can be seen as talented. Maybe not in the same way of how horrible people are still praised because of let’s say their musical talent, sporting abilities, or how well they can direct a movie, but I want to be seen as an innovator in whatever I attempt to create something. The odds have ALWAYS been stacked against me since I was born, so I had to work harder than all my peers whether it was in school, work, or any creative project I invested myself in. Shame that I wanted to get really good fast and quit certain activities or fell out of certain scenes out there.

I’m trying to find any worth in what I do.

I didn’t know I was hurt THAT much in hindsight

This past week allowed me to be unexpectedly self-reflective all of a sudden. In between my blogging life, work, adulting, and everything, I was really thinking about how my life was affected negatively in ways I didn’t even think about.

It’s one thing being physically attacked which I won’t downplay if that’s happened, but bruises and cuts can heal as well as being seen. The mind is far tougher to heal.

I don’t want to be to explicit or wax some grand life story, but I started to understand the causes and effects with how I view things. There are struggles with my mental health as well as my shattered self-esteem that I’ve mentioned before, but I’ve been realizing more and more how I was damaged psychologically. It wasn’t just about explicit insults, but there was a lot of low-key things.

Some examples:

-Being told that I can’t do something or join a certain group because it is “too difficult”. (Geez, dog whistle, much?)

-Being told to just take insults and potshots with a grain of salt while others getting what they want as well as making me the bad guy if I fired back with hurtful words.

-One time a former female co-worker complained about my “male voice” despite never raising my voice at her, around her, or trying to divert attention somewhere else. If the situation was reversed and I complained about her or any woman about her voice, I’d be called a sexist. Back then, I had NEVER heard that as a negative thing before years ago.

-People making fun of my interests, but if I make fun of them in return, they suddenly freak out if I knew about their weaknesses.

-My masculinity was questioned just because I was more into artsy things instead of sports by a couple of people. Dead serious.

-My peers doing some egregious things with impunity, but I do something far less severe and I’m punished for it.

-There were times where I apologized for things I didn’t do even though no one believed me that I didn’t do something when I was a kid.

-I was told by a now-ex-friend that I was being “unchristlike” when I vented out some frustration online even though I wasn’t attacking anyone. I wished I never sought this person’s validation when it came to friendship or even music. They even insulted me and humiliated me while pretending to console me after the fact and I should’ve called out this person more often. Maybe this person wanted a medal for mistreating me while trying to seem righteous while using me or others to get some indie rep or possibly moving to Portland…

That’s just some of the things among worse examples that are far more profane. Some of these emotions welled up and I held a lot of it inside.

There were some very negative side effects because I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone since no one would believe me or they say I’m making this a bigger deal than it should be. Not only that, but I wouldn’t talk to people for hours on end and I even had periods of self-harm years ago which really didn’t help. I just kept smiling despite being full of agony as I was going along to get along. As I get older, I realized how much others have used me as some kind of object or stepping stone without me knowing about it, how I’m not allowed to speak my mind, or how I’m supposed to just be oppressed with these microaggressions. It’s no wonder I’ve been so messed up in different ways, and I feel like I have to be an autodidact with my recovery. This isn’t going to be instantaneous.

I’m not sorry for this being a more depressing post. I wished I never had any pain in my life as well as immediately identifying all attempts of abuse at me even during my childhood. Shame how so many people never took my issues seriously.

The Unknowing Trauma Bond

Why was I so naive to try and befriend my eventual abusers?

Psychological violations were low-key

To my own brain and esteem

Shame on me, for only seeing their talent or their facades

No class ever taught me about gaslighting

Why was I so stupid thinking I could redeem them?

Saying sorry even for things that weren’t my fault

Became some kind of vicarious intent for these vampires

When I stood up on my own two feet

That’s where they wanted me to change my name to Billie Eilish (if she was relevant during those times, pardon the pun)

I might as well have been the son of Satan himself in their eyes

None of my peers went through what I went through

This arrested developmental was pure stealth in subterfuge

Hugging me while my back became a corporeal sheath to them

Those same parasites never had my consent when they got to my psyche

No AT Field was there to protect the cortex

Perpetual scapegoating…

Avoiding my judgmental glances…

It was a like those blizzard cyclones that plague New England even when those who control them flee to become a Northwesterner (Nor’Wester?)

I never saw agony in their beings. They might as well sing pop punk tunes and name a band after a Blink or Ataris ditty

#FirstWorldProblems is what their laments sound like

Stockholm got the better of my judgment and I never knew why

I’m sick of having to prove my worth, intelligence, and humanity to them, my own friends…

…and you.

Ascending Visions

Frequencies had tiers

This was new to me

Falsehoods plagued me even when I didn’t see it

Like a subtle poison, I couldn’t taste the venom until it was too late

I bonded with my abusers

And didn’t know it happened

Because not all mistreatment was physical

Psychological chattel…

I thought you only needed chains to remain captive

What a gigantic way to stand corrected

I wanted to go beyond these invisible barriers

As I overlooked catacombs full of visions

Something happened to me and I didn’t know it all this time

Shame on me for believing that good conquers evil all the time

While I have a tall stature, I was still far too small

To make real change

As I was called a liar despite telling the truth

I was called an instigator despite being on the defense

Everything was my fault whether I did anything or not

I was ever the scapegoat for others while others were too childish to accept their wrongdoing

Was it a miracle that I didn’t hate humanity as a whole even with all the things I’ve learned and experienced?

I guess some hope lies within

Avoiding misanthropy

The ascension of frequencies appeared once more

Waves on waves show up to the cumulonimbus shores before crashing down to terra firma

Wash away my impurities…

#PreyingMissionaries: May those children get restitution against these devils!

I just found out about this expose documentary that NTV (a Kenyan news station) recently premiered when I checked out The Advise Show and I’m still bawling my eyes out while also feeling enraged. Just as I thought the Hakuna Matata trademark issue was bad enough in Africa, my heart just broke when I found out about this story.

These demons in missionary’s clothing known as Gregory Hayes Dow and his wife/partner-in-crime Mary Rose Dow opened up an orphanage in Bomet, Kenya in 2008. For 9 straight years, these thugs beaten, abused, dehydrated, starved, and raped over 83 children in their home. Also, 3 children died with the youngest being at 1.5 years old. I cannot tell you the fury that I feel from hearing about this case and watching the full documentary on YouTube (you can watch the whole thing here). One thing that was a huge kicker in this case was that Gregory was a registered sex offender and child molester who violated HIS OWN DAUGHTER from his first marriage!

How the hell was this guy allowed to build an orphanage let alone allowed to work with children? Did he pay off some government officials or something like that? This orphanage makes the one in The Promised Neverland look like a utopia (you’re welcome, anime fans). I hope these two demons get punished for their atrocious crimes. R. Kelly was treated worse than the Dows and he has more money than them! You might as well call this Surviving Gregory Dow for crying out loud. Definitely a #FirstThem case on so many levels.

Now, I’m going to have to call out certain people on this matter. If you call yourself a feminist and don’t call out this behavior, then you are a hypocritical piece of crap. I bet you if Gregory and Mary Rose weren’t white, you know this would be global news. All you #MeToo and #TimesUp people better call these people out like they did Bill Cosby. I’m sure Gloria Allred is silent about this matter. Yeah, I said it. If you care about the well-being of children, then this story should make you grieve and beg for the Dows to be punished. Stories like these have made me cynical about humanity as so many so-called humans are just plain monstrous. We have people in jail (America, Kenya, or otherwise) who’ve been punished worse for much MUCH less! Kenya and the rest of the world need to vet these missionaries with iron rigid standards. I hope this story goes viral and I want the Dows to be the freaking face of child abuse and pedophilia.

NEVER FORGET!

Video courtesy of NTV Kenya.

Mozambique gets $7.8 Million in settlements from British gem company. A rare event, indeed.

British Firm Agrees to Pay £5.8m to Victims of Abuse in Mozambique

First of all, I’d like to give props to Dr. Y and Dr. Mumbi Seraki for covering this story. Please check out the video and link above.

I couldn’t believe this just happened recently. In Mozambique, there are several ruby mines that got in control by Gemfields which is a British gem company. The problem is that their employees have physically and sexually abused the Mozambican people around the fields. They actually settled for $7.8 million for all the families of the victims. I’m shocked that a major company would give out that much money to all of those people. This is unheard of especially in an African nation where certain individuals and companies get away with atrocities like this all the time.

I’m ambivalent about what happened. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad the victims are getting compensated for all of the suffering that happened to them. However, I think Gemfields should’ve paid way more since that amount is a drop in an ocean given their net profits. At least some justice was done, and I hope this starts a trend for the better, so no company gets away with it.

Yet another story happens where #MeToo and #TimesUp are eerily silent. Go figure.

I’ve been hearing more and more of these stories from the Advise Show Media among other sources, and I just have to talk about this evil woman for this case.

So let me get this straight, this demon gives middle school kids alcohol and weed gummies before sleeping with two boys at what was supposed to be a sleepover? How sick can you be to do something like this?! Seriously, why isn’t the mainstream media talking about this heinous crime of the century?

It’s stories like these that fill me with rage with how un(der)reported they go from the MSM. #FirstThem totally applies here. Where’s the equality in reporting these criminals?

Could Teresa Klein AKA Cornerstore Caroline get charged?

So there are some interesting questions that are being raised about this irksome situation.

For those of you not in the know, recently, there was this devil named Teresa Klein who was in a corner store in Brooklyn who claimed that a 9-year-old Black boy sexually assaulted her even though she lied about it. There was even video evidence from said store which shows the boy’s backpack brushing against her by accident. She flipped out, took her outrage on a child and his mother who was there. Also, Teresa decided to do some sexual poses at the store presumably to mock that family at the child’s expense before calling the cops on a CHILD! There was some smartphone footage of her arguing with the family and some passersby who were angry at her and she gets called Cornerstore Caroline as a way to continuing the trend of Caucasian people calling the cops on Black people for stupid reasons (see: Barbecue Becky, Permit Patty, et all.). On the same footage, Cornerstore Caroline claimed she was a police officer even though she’s not.

The videos went viral and these Brooklyn residents are rightfully upset at the situation. Had this not have been recorded, this could’ve been a modern-day Emmett Till situation given the history of wild and false accusations like this one. If the DA decides not to charge her with abusing 911, racial profiling, slander, or even doing lewd acts in front of a minor (why would she be worried about a 9-year-old touching her non-existent behind? Just saying.), one felonious thing she did while being caught on camera is lying about being a police officer! That alone should get her jail time and she was found dead to rights in making this false claim. I hope the people of Brooklyn pressure the DA to do the right thing. We can’t have individuals lying about being sexually abused let alone feeling threatened just because a Black person just happened to be in their vicinity. When they call the police, they’re implying that they want to see those people dead or at least locked up and people should be aware of that. This can’t go on and those heinous people need to be punished for threatening and traumatizing the community. Come on, if a Black person or any ethnic minority were to do the same thing to a White child by making up a story to call the cops on them, the caller would be in jail right now and laws would be passed to prevent anything like that from happening again. Cornerstore Caroline can’t get away with this form of child abuse via false claims to 911.

Video courtesy of The Advise Show.