Perpetual Dismissing

Why bother crafting
New worlds or weaving some notes?
Inspiration falls

I wouldn’t call it a rollercoaster, but…

It’s been 4 weeks since I posted anything on this blog.

November has been an insanely busy month with life’s ups and downs. There’s work, my mental health taking a toll at times, and I didn’t do anything creative. I’ve been internalizing a ton of stress, depression, and anger about different things. More lies have been exposed in my life and I’m still adjusting to different realities whether they involve me or not. There are so many hypocrites and I want to do my best to combat these double standards. I should’ve been stronger. I should’ve been more cognizant. I should’ve been better at finding whatever confidence I have (or what’s left of it) when others don’t get undermined like I have been. How I will progress with my creative works remains to be seen.

I will be erratic in posting until I can get certain things in order.

P. S. Thank God those devils got convicted for killing Ahmaud Arbery. It’s a shame that they would’ve gotten away with it had those atrocities not have been filmed.

Too Many Vices, Too Many Frustrations

Sometimes it’s hard to keep track of the chaos

2021 certainly has it’s issues to say the least

Tension is still fraught and the year isn’t half done yet

This won’t go away with a light switch

The pressure was too far to even allow a finger to turn positivity on

Hatred still permeates

Teachers take pictures of their feet on the necks of 10 year olds

People figuratively and literally push each other with prejudice

Petty arguments pile up online or offline

Social media slave auctions occur in schools

With little punishments happening

Bone rooms become exposed in universities

How far has society truly progressed?

It’s a deluge of sorrows and paranoia

In the crosswinds of division

When the heart is pumped with gloom from the earth

Untitled Academia Rant

So much self-realization after weeks of reflection

An anniversary shows up after getting the gown and cap

I proved I could make it in four year’s time on time

Some of my peers couldn’t even say that

While I wasn’t a valedictorian or salutatorian in that realm

I still took my studies seriously

There were things I learned which I appreciated

But as I grew older, I’ve been realizing what I DIDN’T learn regardless if it was relevant to my degree or not

Socializing was a trial by fire of sorts

I was awkward at times, I do confess

I was too music of a music fan and didn’t talk about my other interests that much.

With that said, I realized how much I was in hell

Self-righteous fake Christians moralizing and wrecking my self-esteem in subtle ways

Some men and women got to be psychological rapists to me while pretending to be my friend

I wish I knew about the insidious and hidden attacks to my mind

One attempt failed when one person said “White power!” to my face my sophomore year

Boy, did I give him and his buddies the riot act by yelling at them that day

Overt, covert…didn’t matter

I didn’t deserve the torture

While I’m thankful for certain professors teaching me and making some legit friendships,

I underestimated the negatives

I should’ve progressed farther after the fact

There were situations out of my control and some were in control, but I should’ve improved in the latter

Hidden pains wreck my psyche with these echoes of the past

I hope to succeed better than all the fake friends and true enemies I knew during those four years

And not be crippled by my regrets

Easier said than done.

I didn’t know I was hurt THAT much in hindsight

This past week allowed me to be unexpectedly self-reflective all of a sudden. In between my blogging life, work, adulting, and everything, I was really thinking about how my life was affected negatively in ways I didn’t even think about.

It’s one thing being physically attacked which I won’t downplay if that’s happened, but bruises and cuts can heal as well as being seen. The mind is far tougher to heal.

I don’t want to be to explicit or wax some grand life story, but I started to understand the causes and effects with how I view things. There are struggles with my mental health as well as my shattered self-esteem that I’ve mentioned before, but I’ve been realizing more and more how I was damaged psychologically. It wasn’t just about explicit insults, but there was a lot of low-key things.

Some examples:

-Being told that I can’t do something or join a certain group because it is “too difficult”. (Geez, dog whistle, much?)

-Being told to just take insults and potshots with a grain of salt while others getting what they want as well as making me the bad guy if I fired back with hurtful words.

-One time a former female co-worker complained about my “male voice” despite never raising my voice at her, around her, or trying to divert attention somewhere else. If the situation was reversed and I complained about her or any woman about her voice, I’d be called a sexist. Back then, I had NEVER heard that as a negative thing before years ago.

-People making fun of my interests, but if I make fun of them in return, they suddenly freak out if I knew about their weaknesses.

-My masculinity was questioned just because I was more into artsy things instead of sports by a couple of people. Dead serious.

-My peers doing some egregious things with impunity, but I do something far less severe and I’m punished for it.

-There were times where I apologized for things I didn’t do even though no one believed me that I didn’t do something when I was a kid.

-I was told by a now-ex-friend that I was being “unchristlike” when I vented out some frustration online even though I wasn’t attacking anyone. I wished I never sought this person’s validation when it came to friendship or even music. They even insulted me and humiliated me while pretending to console me after the fact and I should’ve called out this person more often. Maybe this person wanted a medal for mistreating me while trying to seem righteous while using me or others to get some indie rep or possibly moving to Portland…

That’s just some of the things among worse examples that are far more profane. Some of these emotions welled up and I held a lot of it inside.

There were some very negative side effects because I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone since no one would believe me or they say I’m making this a bigger deal than it should be. Not only that, but I wouldn’t talk to people for hours on end and I even had periods of self-harm years ago which really didn’t help. I just kept smiling despite being full of agony as I was going along to get along. As I get older, I realized how much others have used me as some kind of object or stepping stone without me knowing about it, how I’m not allowed to speak my mind, or how I’m supposed to just be oppressed with these microaggressions. It’s no wonder I’ve been so messed up in different ways, and I feel like I have to be an autodidact with my recovery. This isn’t going to be instantaneous.

I’m not sorry for this being a more depressing post. I wished I never had any pain in my life as well as immediately identifying all attempts of abuse at me even during my childhood. Shame how so many people never took my issues seriously.

10 Lies I Sadly Believed At One Point In My Life (In No Particular Order)

10. People like me couldn’t make it to a university much less graduate on time.

9. If you work hard, you’ll automatically be successful.

8. The independent music scene doesn’t have any cliques, drama or backstabbers like in the mainstream.

7. The Lion King is a fully original movie that would never plagiarize something like anime or music choices.

6. People who are huge bullies and jerks can always be redeemed.

5. Anger is a sin.

4. Christopher Columbus discovered America and he was very respectful to the Indigenous population then.

3. Going to a Christian school would make me less of a bullying target.

2. People who do heroic things will be praised at all times and evil will always lose.

1. Saying affirming things is somehow bragging when I do it even if I don’t say I’m better than anyone, but when others legitimately boast about themselves, they somehow have “earned it”.

Internalizing Issues (A Rant)

It’s been a while since I did a personal rant, but I’ve bottled up a lot of emotions recently.

As if this past year wasn’t stressful enough for everyone, I have just had enough of internalizing everything. One recurring thought I’ve had was thinking that I’m somehow always wrong and that so many bad things have happened to me. Have there been bad things that happened in my life? Yes. However, sometimes I feel like I’m the only person it ever happens to which adds to bouts of solipsism from time to time. Look, I don’t label myself as some perfect person or some beacon of morality. I’d be a filthy liar if I said that. I have low self-esteem, can be socially awkward at times, passive, can struggle with hidden meaning in people’s words, been bullied to the point of silence, thinking only bad things happen to me, and I don’t know how to be quick-witted. Whenever I had to tell on someone when I was younger, most of the time, no one would do anything about it. If I did something wrong or tried to defend myself (I’m not talking about getting physical), then I was somehow in the wrong.

It’s been rough with bottling up depressing thoughts, anger, and other negative emotions even if I’m smiling on the outside. Am I the only person this happens to? I certainly have enough self-control to not do something heinous with these emotions, so that’s a plus. What does anger me is when so many people get away with so many things. That doesn’t surprise some of you who’ve followed this blog for a while. I’ve dealt with therapists who’ve insulted me in the past which certainly burned. This feeling of being disrespected and people getting away with it even if I speak up was like being psychologically violated. It really didn’t help when I discovered long after the fact how I was being devalued in subtle ways (dog whistles, low-key insults, etc.). I would even do things out of spite to make people leave me alone like “hating” things I admitted to liking or trying to use people’s insults against them in obscure ways. Yeah, it didn’t work. That’s probably no wonder why I’ve been tempted to shame some bloggers even for something as simple as a thought on a movie, for example. I didn’t see anyone else suffer in that way, so I thought they had healthy stable lives. There have been far worse things that have happened to me in real life, but I saw so many things as negative. Glass half empty? That describes how I saw the world even during my childhood. It just sucks having to harbor so many of these bad flashbacks in my brain even when I try to forget or ignore them.

Blogging and having creative endeavors have been cathartic whether it’s poetry, writing reviews, making videos, or other things. Shame how I struggle with thinking I’m a worthless person from time to time, but at least it kept me busy when I wasn’t at work or studying for example.

Personally, it’s a miracle that anyone would be interested in what I type about or present. I wish I didn’t have to pretend everything is fine online and especially offline. Sorry for rambling. I had to get these things off my chest.

Some various thoughts I’ve been having recently

It has been a crazy busy few weeks. There’s been work and me participating in NaNoWriMo. Of course…there’s been everything else going on in the world especially in America.

Relax, I won’t be talking about anything partisan let alone anything political in this post. I can hear the collective sigh of relief no matter if one is to the left, right, center, independent, or apolitical. With that said, I still have been thinking about serious things nonetheless.

In addition to work and writing another book, I have been having thoughts of so many things going on in my life.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been bullied in my life and at times it was quite severe. In hindsight, some of it was very low-key that psychologically affected me. When I would fight back, I would be treated like the bad guy even though I wasn’t being physical against anyone or insulting them. It made me wonder how docile I was while abusive people get away with everything even when I would call them out on their crap. It’s no wonder I can’t stand those who hurt others with impunity as well as never owning up to their misdeeds. I’ve had to own up to my mistakes and sins, so why couldn’t they? It’s like I’ve been getting bad advice for years from people who should know better. Part of me wondered if I should’ve improved in snappy comebacks or insulting people because I’ve always struggled in that regard. It’s sick how I felt like I wasn’t “allowed” to stand up for myself.

There are times where I wonder if it was worth having certain kinds of dreams and goals. I’m sure I mentioned this in a post earlier this year about random goals I used to have like owning a record label, voice acting, or being a touring musician, etc. I guess with COVID, in a weird way, I’m relieved that i didn’t go forward with those pipe dreams. My goals have changed like getting more into writing as well as videography. I have those skills and it allows me to put them to use. There are other ideas for goals that could be more constructive, but I wondered how possible they would be.

The last movie I saw was a documentary about the Congolese Genocide and Leopold II. It was so heartbreaking and it was one of those historical aspects I wish I learned when I was a lot younger regardless of my DNA results. I learned more things and I certainly was uncomfortable with the brutality. It angers me how Leopold never got punished for being responsible for several millions of people dying under his colonizing rule. It was a powerful watch and I think more people should learn about this atrocity.

Those were various thoughts I had recently. I just had to talk about it instead of just a poem or opinions on a news story. Sorry it wasn’t fun. I hope you understand.

I Wish I Was Never A Defeatist (At Least I’m Honest About That Flaw)

There are times where I wish I took a psychology course

To realize how much my psyche has been abused in ways I never knew how or why from subtle forms

The hobbies I like(d) became objects of ridicule

Social awkwardness manifested in itself

My heritage also made me something to hate regardless of my character

Apologies were spoken ad nauseum for who I was

As if my mind wasn’t flawed enough

So many things forced me to be an autodidact

“Why even bother?” I would say or think

“I know I’m going to lose anyway.”

Stop it, brain.

“It’s always the biggest jerks who get what they want. You need to be cruel to be on top even though you’ll never get away with it.”

That didn’t come from my mind this time. It was bad advice. Get thee behind me…

“Try reprogramming yourself. They think you’re a stupid robot anyway. You’re just a useless piece of –“

SHUT UP!

The violation of my self-esteem affected me way more than I thought. Shame how any affirmative thing I say about myself can be construed as an ego.

All I do was lose, lose, lose, no matter what as I try to squeak out a semblance of a victory.

Morose Permeation

All it took was a revealed cover-up and one Tartaros of a sellout

The Bluegrass State never saw such a miscarriage

The ire magnified across the country

Was $12 million really enough for them in dealing with Breonna Taylor’s death?

Tell me if Justine Damond’s family got the same treatment

The insanity in this country wouldn’t stop there

There wasn’t a debate, but a yelling match between the two

Even pro wrestling promos had more sense and civility than that gaffe

Dog whistles and lack of policy questions were all it was about

Next thing, I know one was tested positive

But I thought it would just go away or possibly a hoax, right? (sarcasm)

These events indirectly added to the frustration

All I could see was a hopeless future

The lack of responsibility and equality was enough to darken my soul

My mind could only ruminate and catastrophize

I really am pathetic, aren’t I?

No matter how productive I am, I only saw bleak things