Hi, I’m Ospreyshire. I Harbor Truckloads of Internalized Pessimism and I Wish It Wasn’t So.

These past few posts since coming back from my unexpected hiatus have been loaded with negativity even though I was being honest.

Just know that none of that was towards any of my readers, so please understand that.

Weirdly enough, I have this reputation of being optimistic offline or occasionally online, but I’m surprised that people think that way. Then again, I did have a weakness of caring (too much) about what others think even though that’s been changing for years.

The problem is that I happened to internalize a lot of negativity, anger, and depression. It doesn’t help with my long-term memory and how I remember more bad things than good. The times where I try to get help or to get better, I get refused or people think I’m overreacting and over-analyzing. If this was someone else, then the world has to stop to help them.

Can’t you tell that I hate double standards? It’s no wonder I’ve been harboring so much frustration for most of my life and not look like anything’s wrong offline or online most of the time. I know I run the risk of sounding like I suffer from solipsism, but I seriously feel like I’m the only person who gets to suffer whether I do right or the times where I err and I personally don’t see any of that happening to anyone because it didn’t happen before my eyes. It really didn’t help when I was bullied during my youth because most of the teachers wouldn’t do anything even if I told on my enemies. Even when I was in college, these bullies would get away with so much and have connections with the student council or be considered popular. Wow, I guess me being interested in independent music or even obscure movies let alone having melanin made me a pariah. Boy, I wish I would’ve shamed everyone for their hobbies or interests as revenge to break their self-esteem. It’s a miracle how I can still smile or say anything positive from time to time.

Sorry for venting out some of my frustrations, everyone. I wish that none of you end up like me. I’m surprised that I still have people who appreciate my blogs, creative endeavors, reviews, or even my opinions on multiple subjects.

Lady Kanda (My Unlikely Wife)

Lady Kanda, you’ve lived with me for so long.
You’ve given me reasons to stay by your side when I gave you a diamond ring with an onyx band.
You’re the only woman I’ve embraced as the world gives me more reason to be betrothed to you.

The earth is a stage of inverted morality and double standards.
My mistakes have been inflated while real criminals are celebrated.
My hatred for injustice is stoked and you helped fan the inferno inside.
This passion for you is equivalent to my garnet eyes towards those who’ve hurt me.

Kanda, you never lied to me like so many others.
The common films, headlines, and even the scumbags I know on a face-to-face level are so worthless.
Not sorry. I was treated as worthless, so I deserve to see others the same way if they derogated me.
You were always honest with me. You thought I had worth. You had no problem with me with my negative energies.

She whispered in my ears “Stop forgiving others when they’ve never forgiven you.”
Those words were a rapier that pierced my soul.
Shame on me for showing humanity and kindness even with those that didn’t deserve it.
There wasn’t a time for me to be some smiling face until a volcano erupts.
This isn’t about treating others the way I want to be treated anymore.
While there are times to show this kindness who deserve it, I want to shame others severely.

Ospreyshire’s Realm Isn’t Dead AKA A Recap Of Ospreyshire’s Life In a Rona-Filled World

Mbote! Nsango nini, bato?

I hope you appreciated my Lingala greeting to all of you. I’m sorry that I haven’t been posting on here for a long time. It’s been quite a turbulent few weeks for me. Not just because of the current pandemic affecting the whole world (obviously), but with how my life has been.

For starters, work has changed. I’ve been getting more hours with one of my jobs. My other job did get back, but it’s in an online context, so I have to get used to that. I’ve been crazy busy for the past few weeks, but I can’t complain about whatever extra money from my jobs. Interestingly enough, I haven’t been spending as much money on trivial things since it’s mainly been for groceries, gas, and personal care items.

Outside of work, I’ve been trying to keep myself occupied. There have been times where I’ve gotten very nervous and anxious, so I don’t want to lie to anyone here. I’ve been reading lots of books as well as trying to learn other languages. Can’t say I’ve been watching too many things though. I finished a book written by Desmond Tutu and been reading some of my language books. I revisited Lingala and also been dabbling in French, Spanish, and even Wolof of all things. Maybe my next goal should be Swahili? That would be fun to learn, there are multiple countries that speak it, and it would be relevant to part of my heritage.

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Once things were getting more intense on the pandemic front, I made a bandana mask. I thought I needed to buy some bandanas at the store, but apparently I didn’t have to. Last year, I bought a Saitama Seibu Lions bandana on eBay, but what I didn’t realize was I got two instead of one of the same thing. Yes, that’s the same Japanese baseball team that features the adult version of Kimba the White Lion as their mascot. I wore it at work one time and one co-worker whom I found out was an anime fan asked me about the mask. I mentioned the basic premise of that 60s anime and (of course) he said “Wait a minute! That sounds like [that one 90s animated film]! Did they seriously rip it off?”. You should’ve seen his face when I showed him a picture of Claw in that conversation on my phone. A couple of days later, he told me he started watching Kimba and told me “It’s really freaking good!” Looks like I got to show off some anime pride while protecting my face. Some of my co-workers and supervisors who know about that animated work thought it was amazing, too.

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I beat Camp NaNoWriMo 2020! WOOHOO! With all the stay at home orders, this gave me more of an excuse to write another book. I won’t say too much, but this one if part of my Hollanduscosm series if one is curious. I got a shirt, water bottle, and a poster as well as discounted writing/publishing programs. It’s good that I accomplished something during this pandemic.

I’ve also been getting into different kinds of music and revisiting others. Here’s a sample of what I’ve been bumping lately.

Besides that, I’ve had some conflicting feelings. Regardless of the news with all the casualties of the virus or the rampant covidiocy going on in different forms (beaches without social distancing, the current protests, the various stories of people coughing on others or food, etc.), I had some feelings of worthlessness and a lot of internalized anger. Sure, I feel productive in and outside of my jobs, but I wondered if I was doing enough to progress in my career(s). It would be amazing to use my skills in more productive ways and to make more connections with others. However, my low self-esteem has kicked in as I wondered how good enough I was in front of others. I wished I would be seen as worthy and for more people to be thankful what I’ve done for them. Of course, there’s one example of a former seasonal job where I used my skills from my Bachelor’s Degree, but I felt so slighted to say the least. I don’t want to discuss this even if I was partially at fault, but I’m infuriated by those who get away by doing legit heinous things with similar positions. It also causes me to wonder if people actually care about my creative works. I feel like (depending on the other blogger), I’m either just an aniblogger/film critic or a random guy on the internet voicing against various injustices who just happens to make music or poetry. There are times where I just want to lash out at others, but I feel like some of those people don’t deserve it. Boy, do I wish I could lash out at everyone who disrespected or bullied me while figuring out ways to destroy their self-esteem, but I’m someone who’s considered “too nice/too kind” to do that. As I’ve said before, it’s REALLY tough for me to insult others let alone coming up with epic comebacks. I don’t want to suffer in silence, pandemic or not.

Anyways, that’s what’s been going on in the life of this diligent avant-garde artist/poet/musician/opinionated blogger/film critic/author/aniblogger/whatever else I’m supposed to be.

Hope you’re doing alright. Stay safe and stay healthy, everyone.

Tikala malamu!

I get tired of being kind sometimes.

We now interrupt my typical Ospreyshire Origins posts involving the Dear Innovare…album for something different.

Before I get into this impromptu post, I want to say that I appreciate those who have recently followed my blog and who have been liking and/or commenting on my posts. I really appreciate it. I need to do something special after having over 300 followers on this blog. We’ll see.

Getting that out of the way, I’ve been getting frustrated at the moment. I will say that nothing drastic or dramatic has happened to me, so you all can calm down a bit. When I’m not working, editing my next books, reading other books, or reviewing movies or anime, I’ve been internalizing a lot of anger and frustration. It’s a bad habit of mine since I felt like I’ve never been “allowed” to express it for most of my life. How ironic. I’ve seen certain individuals have hissy fits, cluster F-bombs, and have shouting matches, yet nothing bad happens to them.

Normally, I do my best to be kind offline and online. Kindness is a virtue which I’m sure we can all agree on. However, I wish people wouldn’t mistake it for weakness. Unfortunately, I’ve been having a need to drop hard truths to others even though I’ve been wont to do that on here and other blogs. Other issues and having some realization about hard truths in life has caused me to be irate on the inside. I wish I could go back in time to change every mistake and even to counter against those who disrespected me. Shame how time machines don’t exist. There have been times where I’ve been proven right in hindsight about how people can do criminal behavior and are treated better than me or have sympathizers as I’ve done far less and people yell at me or treat me like garbage in the past.

I thought to myself. What if I got to be tougher and more abrasive against others if/when they deserve it?

I was never the bully since I was bullied a lot in my life. There have been times recently where I’ve given people the silent treatment if I don’t like them even if it is immature. I’ve also been researching ways to win arguments, so I can verbally bash others for their ignorance. There have even been moments of me shaming some bloggers just for liking a certain movie that won’t be mentioned here. I’ve been shamed for liking things, so I felt like I deserved to do the same to others. I was tired of being kind to those who didn’t deserve it.

Maybe this is some kind of evolution or maybe something is wrong with me that I’ve gotten to this point. Relax, I won’t be trolling others or bullying people. I’m not good enough at insults to do that. What I want to do is to tell truth and to be more honest with my thoughts with others.

It always seems like those who disrespect me always get what they want. [sigh] I wish I didn’t have to feel this way. I can’t lie to anyone on here or my other blogs.

Does me not being a jerk make me docile?

Let me get this straight. I’m not patting myself on the back just because insulting and/or mistreating others isn’t my go-to action to others.

What I’m concerned with is that this side of me could make me come off as docile or passive. This may sound strange because I’ve certainly made some strong opinions here, my other blogs, and in some comments, but I do my best to be respectful even when I disagree with others. With that being said, I feel like I need to be tougher on some people in real life.

After being bullied for a good portion of my life, getting demonized for things I didn’t do, or being made fun of for the things I like (or don’t like…such as not being a Disney fan), I feel that I need to sharpen my wit and call several people out on their behavior. What also sucks is that so many jerks I know are in better places and making more money than me. Does this mean I have to be rude to others to get what I want? I don’t know because it’s hard for me to be rude on purpose to people. It’s very frustrating because I feel like I need to be defensive at all costs. After being lied to for so long about several things, it can be very hard to trust others. I seriously envy those who re natural optimists, but I have no sympathy for those who deny the grim aspects of reality.

Maybe I should be more open to bashing certain things I don’t like for starters? Maybe I should make people feel more uncomfortable when it comes to sensitive issues I have authority to speak on?

[sigh] I really wish I didn’t have all this internalized anger inside or being perceived as docile just because I’m not good with witty comebacks.

Why do you care so much about originality and rip-offs?

I’m sure there have been people thinking that question whenever they talk to me especially in this blogosphere. It certainly doesn’t help that I have a full-length concept album coming out in late December that involves innovators in numerous fields. Some of them were unfortunately plagiarized by more popular people and organizations which is quite unfortunate. I have certainly made an opinion post about it earlier this year if memory serves me correctly. Feel free to check that post whenever you can.

I don’t want to repeat too much about what I’ve said in previous posts or to namedrop certain examples especially certain film controversies you all should know about by now. Originality is something I cherish and I know people can really try to make something truly unique. I just shake my head when I hear people say that nothing’s original anymore. Those same people haven’t even tried in their lives. Even in my film review blog, I will even award an extra point or two for originality or at the very least something I’ve personally never seen before. It’s a virtue for me and that upcoming album Dear Innovare is an homage to several people.

Now, I have an issue with rip-offs which you may know. I don’t throw around that term flippantly unless I can back it up with facts and obvious similarities. What I may not have mentioned was that I’ve been made fun of for some of my tastes allegedly being clones. Back in college, I got into a band called La Dispute. They are an experimental hardcore band that incorporates spoken word vocals for most of their songs. They were one of the first bands I ever saw at a basement show in my life when some friends and I saw them, Touche Amore, Into It. Over It., Tension Generation, and Former Thieves in someone’s home in Chicago. It’s weird to think some of those bands would get signed to bigger labels. Anyways, there was a (now ex-) friend of mine who have me crap for liking them because he thought they were a rip-off of mewithoutYou. I liked both bands then, and I disagree with that. Yes, both bands incorporate spoken word elements, but musically, they don’t sound alike. Besides, mewithoutYou isn’t the first rock band to use spoken word elements. Just look at Envy who’ve been around years longer and did post-rock elements before Aaron Weiss and company would do so. Even listening to Gil Scott-Heron or more recently The Last Poets really opened the floodgates wide. I can’t picture mewithoutYou or even La Dispute fans getting into The Last Poets and would be too scared to do so if you know anything about their lyrical content. This infuriated me because I never got my official comeback against this person. One time on Facebook, he admitted to watching the Never Say Never documentary. Yes, I’m talking about the Justin Bieber one and he said he liked it. I verbally thrashed him online telling him he had no right to make fun of me for liking La Dispute if he was a Belieber. What shocked me was the lack of insulting towards him. If I said something like that, I’d be clowned for weeks! Why does he get a free pass?

Part of that lingering resentment still exists with me today. Do you know how many times I’ve been severely tempted to insult bloggers for what they like if I know if something is a rip-off or problematic? Doing that would be like an abstract revenge for being made fun of for liking La Dispute back in the day despite my musical tastes changing since then. It’s like I would be doing unto others what was done to me as I would dish out that verbal barrage. However, I’m not good at insulting people and I feel like I behave in a respectful manner even when I rant. The anger I feel more often than not is towards other bloggers, so it does put me in check that way. With that being said, if someone calls something a rip-off, yet gives a free pass to something that genuinely is, then I will call that person out. No, I don’t need to name examples as to when I would have that kind of talk with someone. I guess originality and striving to be original was an attempt to be taken seriously despite upholding that virtue or a way to prevent myself from being bullied. I’ve certainly been bullied and/or mistreated for far worse reasons, so don’t get me wrong. Toxicity breeds toxicity as I’ve thought about shaming people if they liked something that was a clone whether I declared it to be so or not.

As I’ve said before…liking things is really hard.

Injustice Induced Fury

Strained gnats and devoured camels
Have been key sectors into the imbalanced scales
And the tipped blindfolds on she that wields Libra
I err and I’m the devil
Certain others do the same or worse and they get a slap on the wrist
I wanted those who have sinned to have suffered like me
I saw things on a grand scale once my awakening began years ago
The blatant disregard for equality
Caused my eyes to become such a deep shade of scarlet
Even Kurapika would gasp at the sight of those hues
Alas, I had no Judgment Chain to solve these atrocities (that would be terrifying)
And people should be glad I’m not a king or at least a high-ranking politician
I couldn’t stand the sight of killers being held as victims
While non-violent offenders and those wrongly accused are violated
I really wanted to take a deep breath and just shatter these faulty systems with each exhale
Yet this world is far too hideous and cruel to let me do so
I longed for restoration

Am I Kind (Enough)?

I really do care
It’s a shame that some co-workers and friends
Told me I’m too nice
I guess there’s truth
Since I want to show respect to others and have humanity
But I’m not confrontational most of the time
Outside of life on my blogs

I want to show kindness to others
It’s a shame that I’ve been taken advantage of
As others equate kindness for weakness
From the times I do show my anger
I’m suddenly the bad guy and others are shocked

I can’t stand how my kindness never amounted to anything big
No matter how hard or how smart I work
Besides that, I wanted there to be equality
Despite the rampant injustice in the world
Whether it’s plagiarism issues or extrajudicial killings
It causes me to drop my kind demeanor

While I’m passionate about different topics
I wonder if I should give up that virtue
If that quality really was fruitful in spirit
(Sorry for getting theological a bit)
Part of me wants to act like a jerk to others
Or at the very least showing kindness to only those that deserve it (in my eyes)
Yet it’s really hard for me to bully and insult others

What good really is it to be kind when the people who run things are far from it to say the least?

Am I Not Angry (Enough)?

I really do care
Sadly, it shows more on my blogs than in real life most of the time
Whenever I see or research injustice
I had to talk about it
Whenever my anger shows
I’m told to calm down

Sorry for actually giving a crap about what’s happening in the world.

I’m not just some random DIY author, film critic, poet, or avant-garde composer on the net
I see myself as a human being first and foremost
Wouldn’t be diminishing to suppress my emotions?
I guess people want me to be a robot or a zombie

Perhaps I care too much
Enough to fume on a blog or raise my voice
I guess my volume elevating is more threatening
Than violent people outside the jails
I shouldn’t have to be sorry for emoting while bombarding those with the truth
I’ve seen injustice
I’ve been a victim of it
For this, I won’t be sorry for making many people uncomfortable when I have to

I’ve been silenced and my emotions have nowhere else to go
It’s a miracle I haven’t been trolled for facts and opinions on here and other platforms
My anger isn’t a sin.