Does me not being a jerk make me docile?

Let me get this straight. I’m not patting myself on the back just because insulting and/or mistreating others isn’t my go-to action to others.

What I’m concerned with is that this side of me could make me come off as docile or passive. This may sound strange because I’ve certainly made some strong opinions here, my other blogs, and in some comments, but I do my best to be respectful even when I disagree with others. With that being said, I feel like I need to be tougher on some people in real life.

After being bullied for a good portion of my life, getting demonized for things I didn’t do, or being made fun of for the things I like (or don’t like…such as not being a Disney fan), I feel that I need to sharpen my wit and call several people out on their behavior. What also sucks is that so many jerks I know are in better places and making more money than me. Does this mean I have to be rude to others to get what I want? I don’t know because it’s hard for me to be rude on purpose to people. It’s very frustrating because I feel like I need to be defensive at all costs. After being lied to for so long about several things, it can be very hard to trust others. I seriously envy those who re natural optimists, but I have no sympathy for those who deny the grim aspects of reality.

Maybe I should be more open to bashing certain things I don’t like for starters? Maybe I should make people feel more uncomfortable when it comes to sensitive issues I have authority to speak on?

[sigh] I really wish I didn’t have all this internalized anger inside or being perceived as docile just because I’m not good with witty comebacks.

Ichise

Limbs are torn
While suffering in a solitary state
I hobble by with whatever strength I have left
My fighting spirit temporarily broken
Until I can walk again
I remain speechless for days
Until hope from unlikely places comes in
However, this help had ulterior motives
I wanted to feel and to be human
Even when I feel like a machine
This fighting spirit needs to be revived

Why do you care so much about originality and rip-offs?

I’m sure there have been people thinking that question whenever they talk to me especially in this blogosphere. It certainly doesn’t help that I have a full-length concept album coming out in late December that involves innovators in numerous fields. Some of them were unfortunately plagiarized by more popular people and organizations which is quite unfortunate. I have certainly made an opinion post about it earlier this year if memory serves me correctly. Feel free to check that post whenever you can.

I don’t want to repeat too much about what I’ve said in previous posts or to namedrop certain examples especially certain film controversies you all should know about by now. Originality is something I cherish and I know people can really try to make something truly unique. I just shake my head when I hear people say that nothing’s original anymore. Those same people haven’t even tried in their lives. Even in my film review blog, I will even award an extra point or two for originality or at the very least something I’ve personally never seen before. It’s a virtue for me and that upcoming album Dear Innovare is an homage to several people.

Now, I have an issue with rip-offs which you may know. I don’t throw around that term flippantly unless I can back it up with facts and obvious similarities. What I may not have mentioned was that I’ve been made fun of for some of my tastes allegedly being clones. Back in college, I got into a band called La Dispute. They are an experimental hardcore band that incorporates spoken word vocals for most of their songs. They were one of the first bands I ever saw at a basement show in my life when some friends and I saw them, Touche Amore, Into It. Over It., Tension Generation, and Former Thieves in someone’s home in Chicago. It’s weird to think some of those bands would get signed to bigger labels. Anyways, there was a (now ex-) friend of mine who have me crap for liking them because he thought they were a rip-off of mewithoutYou. I liked both bands then, and I disagree with that. Yes, both bands incorporate spoken word elements, but musically, they don’t sound alike. Besides, mewithoutYou isn’t the first rock band to use spoken word elements. Just look at Envy who’ve been around years longer and did post-rock elements before Aaron Weiss and company would do so. Even listening to Gil Scott-Heron or more recently The Last Poets really opened the floodgates wide. I can’t picture mewithoutYou or even La Dispute fans getting into The Last Poets and would be too scared to do so if you know anything about their lyrical content. This infuriated me because I never got my official comeback against this person. One time on Facebook, he admitted to watching the Never Say Never documentary. Yes, I’m talking about the Justin Bieber one and he said he liked it. I verbally thrashed him online telling him he had no right to make fun of me for liking La Dispute if he was a Belieber. What shocked me was the lack of insulting towards him. If I said something like that, I’d be clowned for weeks! Why does he get a free pass?

Part of that lingering resentment still exists with me today. Do you know how many times I’ve been severely tempted to insult bloggers for what they like if I know if something is a rip-off or problematic? Doing that would be like an abstract revenge for being made fun of for liking La Dispute back in the day despite my musical tastes changing since then. It’s like I would be doing unto others what was done to me as I would dish out that verbal barrage. However, I’m not good at insulting people and I feel like I behave in a respectful manner even when I rant. The anger I feel more often than not is towards other bloggers, so it does put me in check that way. With that being said, if someone calls something a rip-off, yet gives a free pass to something that genuinely is, then I will call that person out. No, I don’t need to name examples as to when I would have that kind of talk with someone. I guess originality and striving to be original was an attempt to be taken seriously despite upholding that virtue or a way to prevent myself from being bullied. I’ve certainly been bullied and/or mistreated for far worse reasons, so don’t get me wrong. Toxicity breeds toxicity as I’ve thought about shaming people if they liked something that was a clone whether I declared it to be so or not.

As I’ve said before…liking things is really hard.

Injustice Induced Fury

Strained gnats and devoured camels
Have been key sectors into the imbalanced scales
And the tipped blindfolds on she that wields Libra
I err and I’m the devil
Certain others do the same or worse and they get a slap on the wrist
I wanted those who have sinned to have suffered like me
I saw things on a grand scale once my awakening began years ago
The blatant disregard for equality
Caused my eyes to become such a deep shade of scarlet
Even Kurapika would gasp at the sight of those hues
Alas, I had no Judgment Chain to solve these atrocities (that would be terrifying)
And people should be glad I’m not a king or at least a high-ranking politician
I couldn’t stand the sight of killers being held as victims
While non-violent offenders and those wrongly accused are violated
I really wanted to take a deep breath and just shatter these faulty systems with each exhale
Yet this world is far too hideous and cruel to let me do so
I longed for restoration

Am I Kind (Enough)?

I really do care
It’s a shame that some co-workers and friends
Told me I’m too nice
I guess there’s truth
Since I want to show respect to others and have humanity
But I’m not confrontational most of the time
Outside of life on my blogs

I want to show kindness to others
It’s a shame that I’ve been taken advantage of
As others equate kindness for weakness
From the times I do show my anger
I’m suddenly the bad guy and others are shocked

I can’t stand how my kindness never amounted to anything big
No matter how hard or how smart I work
Besides that, I wanted there to be equality
Despite the rampant injustice in the world
Whether it’s plagiarism issues or extrajudicial killings
It causes me to drop my kind demeanor

While I’m passionate about different topics
I wonder if I should give up that virtue
If that quality really was fruitful in spirit
(Sorry for getting theological a bit)
Part of me wants to act like a jerk to others
Or at the very least showing kindness to only those that deserve it (in my eyes)
Yet it’s really hard for me to bully and insult others

What good really is it to be kind when the people who run things are far from it to say the least?

Am I Not Angry (Enough)?

I really do care
Sadly, it shows more on my blogs than in real life most of the time
Whenever I see or research injustice
I had to talk about it
Whenever my anger shows
I’m told to calm down

Sorry for actually giving a crap about what’s happening in the world.

I’m not just some random DIY author, film critic, poet, or avant-garde composer on the net
I see myself as a human being first and foremost
Wouldn’t be diminishing to suppress my emotions?
I guess people want me to be a robot or a zombie

Perhaps I care too much
Enough to fume on a blog or raise my voice
I guess my volume elevating is more threatening
Than violent people outside the jails
I shouldn’t have to be sorry for emoting while bombarding those with the truth
I’ve seen injustice
I’ve been a victim of it
For this, I won’t be sorry for making many people uncomfortable when I have to

I’ve been silenced and my emotions have nowhere else to go
It’s a miracle I haven’t been trolled for facts and opinions on here and other platforms
My anger isn’t a sin.

Inspiration for Pathos Formula Wave

I didn’t expect to get some attention for my new EP, but I appreciate those who’ve listened to it. If you haven’t then here it is.

I wanted to strip my sound down for this concept. This involved a restricted setting with the recording and writing process. For starters, every song had to be based on the same poetic format. In this case, I chose the nonet. That’s a nine line poem with nine syllables each. There are also nine songs on the EP, so one can say I went up to the nines, right?

The recording process is even more minimal than previous recordings I’ve done with my last EP, singles, and compilation contributions. I only used my voice and acousmatics for this one to see what sounds I can get or manipulate. Some of the found sounds are more obvious than others like using a bathtub in one example.

Besides the composition, I thought this EP was therapy for me. I have to be honest with all you readers. I have a lot of issues with internalizing my anger and sadness. A ton of people have enraged me for most of my lives. Most of them are people I haven’t done anything wrong to. I won’t name names, but the tracks involve people who’ve bullied me in the past, some racists who’ve given me hell, and former co-workers who questioned my worth while getting special treatment. This has been a long time coming. The times when I was open with my anger, people treat me like I’m Satan himself. Not to mention a lot of those same people never owned up to THEIR actions and wrongdoings which frustrates me more. You really want to get on my bad side? It’s when others don’t take responsibility for their words or actions when they do something hurtful. I was sick of hiding these feelings for years now and they manifested in spoken word form.

So what do you think? What was your favorite song on the album? What are your thoughts on how I created this EP?

Maybe this could lead to something good and that’s saying nothing about another album I’m writing and recording. Wink wink.

I Wished Loving Myself Was Easy

The title said it all

Years of brainwashing and not knowing it
Caused me to falter in ways I never realized
All because of factors I couldn’t control

Skin pigmentation
Mental state
My personal hobbies

I was a target for all to destroy
No matter how hard I tried
I was destined to fail
If time machines existed, I’d change so many things to be better in my past
It would be the only way to get respect and no one would hurt me anymore

Being Constructive

I was not going to die useless
Even when I’m not at my day job(s)
I’m always creating something
The term “renaissance man” has been thrown at me before
I don’t mind it that much
I know how to work in multiple media

What does concern me is how much people (don’t) care about my creations
The kind words can only go so far
Creativity is my lifeblood
Yet no one care when I spill it into my own projects

Fans, Geeks, Nerds, and Whomever…How can you stay hopeful about what you like?

Uh oh. It has happened again. I’m dealing with a wave of cynicism and frustration yet again.

After dealing with a rough week, some of the aftereffects have been kicking in although not for the same reasons as to how I became frustrated over a week ago.

I know a lot of my followers would self-identify as being nerds, fans, or somewhere in between. Not going to lie, it’s mainly because of my other blogs instead of this one, but I appreciate you checking out the Ospreyshire page from time to time despite a certain other blog being currently on hiatus. There are times where I’m a bit jealous of you, so I have to ask you this simple question.

How can you stay hopeful about what you like?

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been getting more jaded than usual when it comes to being a fan of certain things. Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it liking some things such as obscure movies, anime, music (listening and making it), or even playing video games which I rarely even do. I haven’t touched a video game in ages and I ended up playing Genesis stuff for a brief nostalgia kick. Even then, I felt empty. Was I really doing ANYTHING constructive by being into these things? Maybe I really was more stupid than I thought ever since my childhood. I just can’t understand how so many of you can be confident in what you all like.

For me, I’ve been bullied for what I liked. There have been times where I “hated” things out of spite to tick off some people who were giving me a hard time. Sure, I was derogated for worse things in my life, but that always annoyed me. I didn’t realize some of those same people were insecure for reasons I don’t know, but that’s irrelevant. Part of me wants to just stop liking things that gave me happiness. I wouldn’t call it joy since most of those hobbies and interests didn’t go that far or had that kind of edification to them to be honest with you. I create more than I consume especially when it comes to fiction or writing lyrics.

This may sound irrational, but I had thoughts on how I can or should deal with this matter. I’ve seriously wondered if I should bash people for what they like or shame them for being into certain kinds of fandoms. What if I told people that what they do isn’t constructive? What if I asked them if someone like me was into the same interests, would I get insulted or looked down upon? Should I tell them that they should be interested in more constructive or more important things? I’m sick of being moralized upon, so there’s something inside that wants me to do the same thing as revenge for what happened to me. There were so many missed opportunities for me to demoralize those who insulted me for having certain (nerdier) interests. Call it internalized anger. Call it me righting a wrong. Call it me trying to better myself, but I can’t hold onto this frustration for this long.

I feel that I need to be constructive. It’s not just working lots of hours for me. I need to create more than I consume. Whether it’s music, poetry, fiction, or my other interests, I feel the need to be constructive and I have to cut off distractions in my life.

I really am jealous of all you fans. I wish I could be as blissful and carefree as you. You all probably have better lives than me and have a healthy balance in life. I wish I wasn’t so dismal no matter how hard I attempt to break these negative feelings.