Some various thoughts I’ve been having recently

It has been a crazy busy few weeks. There’s been work and me participating in NaNoWriMo. Of course…there’s been everything else going on in the world especially in America.

Relax, I won’t be talking about anything partisan let alone anything political in this post. I can hear the collective sigh of relief no matter if one is to the left, right, center, independent, or apolitical. With that said, I still have been thinking about serious things nonetheless.

In addition to work and writing another book, I have been having thoughts of so many things going on in my life.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been bullied in my life and at times it was quite severe. In hindsight, some of it was very low-key that psychologically affected me. When I would fight back, I would be treated like the bad guy even though I wasn’t being physical against anyone or insulting them. It made me wonder how docile I was while abusive people get away with everything even when I would call them out on their crap. It’s no wonder I can’t stand those who hurt others with impunity as well as never owning up to their misdeeds. I’ve had to own up to my mistakes and sins, so why couldn’t they? It’s like I’ve been getting bad advice for years from people who should know better. Part of me wondered if I should’ve improved in snappy comebacks or insulting people because I’ve always struggled in that regard. It’s sick how I felt like I wasn’t “allowed” to stand up for myself.

There are times where I wonder if it was worth having certain kinds of dreams and goals. I’m sure I mentioned this in a post earlier this year about random goals I used to have like owning a record label, voice acting, or being a touring musician, etc. I guess with COVID, in a weird way, I’m relieved that i didn’t go forward with those pipe dreams. My goals have changed like getting more into writing as well as videography. I have those skills and it allows me to put them to use. There are other ideas for goals that could be more constructive, but I wondered how possible they would be.

The last movie I saw was a documentary about the Congolese Genocide and Leopold II. It was so heartbreaking and it was one of those historical aspects I wish I learned when I was a lot younger regardless of my DNA results. I learned more things and I certainly was uncomfortable with the brutality. It angers me how Leopold never got punished for being responsible for several millions of people dying under his colonizing rule. It was a powerful watch and I think more people should learn about this atrocity.

Those were various thoughts I had recently. I just had to talk about it instead of just a poem or opinions on a news story. Sorry it wasn’t fun. I hope you understand.

I Wish I Was Never A Defeatist (At Least I’m Honest About That Flaw)

There are times where I wish I took a psychology course

To realize how much my psyche has been abused in ways I never knew how or why from subtle forms

The hobbies I like(d) became objects of ridicule

Social awkwardness manifested in itself

My heritage also made me something to hate regardless of my character

Apologies were spoken ad nauseum for who I was

As if my mind wasn’t flawed enough

So many things forced me to be an autodidact

“Why even bother?” I would say or think

“I know I’m going to lose anyway.”

Stop it, brain.

“It’s always the biggest jerks who get what they want. You need to be cruel to be on top even though you’ll never get away with it.”

That didn’t come from my mind this time. It was bad advice. Get thee behind me…

“Try reprogramming yourself. They think you’re a stupid robot anyway. You’re just a useless piece of –“

SHUT UP!

The violation of my self-esteem affected me way more than I thought. Shame how any affirmative thing I say about myself can be construed as an ego.

All I do was lose, lose, lose, no matter what as I try to squeak out a semblance of a victory.

Morose Permeation

All it took was a revealed cover-up and one Tartaros of a sellout

The Bluegrass State never saw such a miscarriage

The ire magnified across the country

Was $12 million really enough for them in dealing with Breonna Taylor’s death?

Tell me if Justine Damond’s family got the same treatment

The insanity in this country wouldn’t stop there

There wasn’t a debate, but a yelling match between the two

Even pro wrestling promos had more sense and civility than that gaffe

Dog whistles and lack of policy questions were all it was about

Next thing, I know one was tested positive

But I thought it would just go away or possibly a hoax, right? (sarcasm)

These events indirectly added to the frustration

All I could see was a hopeless future

The lack of responsibility and equality was enough to darken my soul

My mind could only ruminate and catastrophize

I really am pathetic, aren’t I?

No matter how productive I am, I only saw bleak things

Observations, Questions, and Rants about How Messed Up Everything Is

I don’t feel like doing anything poetic. I need to let off some steam about the chaos going on. This climate has made me sad, furious, and nervous among other things. Some of the answers should be obvious to some of you when I ask these questions.

How insane is it that reporters are getting assaulted and arrested just for doing their jobs? People know it’s violating freedom and the press and the 1st Amendment, right?

How is it that the Third Amendment would actually come up in conversation outside of the confines of a US government or citizenship class? The fact that it was invoked to get National Guard troops out of DC hotels in my lifetime is mind blowing. It even trended on Twitter of all places, too!

What does this say about society when Sesame Street characters can show up at a CNN Town Hall and address the issues of racism, police brutality, white privilege, protesting, and reconciliation better than any politician of either major American political party during my lifetime?

How is it that plants and instigators of the peaceful protests get treated better than those who are legitimately protesting nonviolently? Also, why isn’t mainstream media going hard against the undercover agents looting and just blame every black person they see who happens to be nearby?

How is it that the Buffalo cops can still lie on an elderly white protestor, get caught lying when the video came out, or how 57 officers “resigned” in support of the police who pushed them? Once the video dropped, white America for one second got to see what it was like to be black when they saw someone who could be their grandfather, father, brother, or even them have his skull crack on the pavement and bleed while the authorities walked by like nothing happened.

How come “Reopen the State” Covidiots can threaten governors, policemen, and can show up willy-nilly with AK-47s and AR-15s on government property and no one does anything yet unarmed anti-racism protestors get met with batons, rubber bullets, flash grenades, or even military forces?

So teachers can be punished (suspended or fired) for yelling at children, yet a cop in Fontana, California can get paid leave for raping a minor 4 years ago, and just NOW get charged for it? I’m sorry, but if anyone doesn’t get fired and arrested for such a heinous act, then NOBODY should be fired!

Why aren’t Breonna Taylor’s killers even charged yet? She really needs justice and those murderers shouldn’t be able to get away scot-free for what they did.

How is it that whatever good cops are there get punished and/or bullied for calling out against police brutality or trying to stop abusive behavior, but the ones who do the abusing get protected?

A football player can conflate anti-racist causes with “disrespecting the flag” and one’s just right to have an opinion, but to call out against systemic racism and they should just “shut up and dribble”? Double standards much when it comes to athletes of certain complexions?

What does it say that people are more offended by people wanting equality than Mark Wahlberg actually committing hate crimes in the 80s against black and Vietnamese people? Boy, does this make Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch look like vile cultural appropriation in hindsight, don’t you think?

How is it that some Republicans can jump ship to support a Democrat? I’m an independent and even I was like “Wait? WHAAAAAT?! How is this possible?”. This makes no sense.

Why is it that the same people who try to stock up on arms in case there’s tyrannical activity in America are eerily silent about legit unconstitutional attacks on peaceful protestors and reporters?

How can so many countries actually protest against racial injustice at once regardless of their demographics?

Those are a few observations I’ve noticed over the past couple of weeks. Hypocrisy, bigotry, and mass confusion has been rattling my brain.

Hi, I’m Ospreyshire. I Harbor Truckloads of Internalized Pessimism and I Wish It Wasn’t So.

These past few posts since coming back from my unexpected hiatus have been loaded with negativity even though I was being honest.

Just know that none of that was towards any of my readers, so please understand that.

Weirdly enough, I have this reputation of being optimistic offline or occasionally online, but I’m surprised that people think that way. Then again, I did have a weakness of caring (too much) about what others think even though that’s been changing for years.

The problem is that I happened to internalize a lot of negativity, anger, and depression. It doesn’t help with my long-term memory and how I remember more bad things than good. The times where I try to get help or to get better, I get refused or people think I’m overreacting and over-analyzing. If this was someone else, then the world has to stop to help them.

Can’t you tell that I hate double standards? It’s no wonder I’ve been harboring so much frustration for most of my life and not look like anything’s wrong offline or online most of the time. I know I run the risk of sounding like I suffer from solipsism, but I seriously feel like I’m the only person who gets to suffer whether I do right or the times where I err and I personally don’t see any of that happening to anyone because it didn’t happen before my eyes. It really didn’t help when I was bullied during my youth because most of the teachers wouldn’t do anything even if I told on my enemies. Even when I was in college, these bullies would get away with so much and have connections with the student council or be considered popular. Wow, I guess me being interested in independent music or even obscure movies let alone having melanin made me a pariah. Boy, I wish I would’ve shamed everyone for their hobbies or interests as revenge to break their self-esteem. It’s a miracle how I can still smile or say anything positive from time to time.

Sorry for venting out some of my frustrations, everyone. I wish that none of you end up like me. I’m surprised that I still have people who appreciate my blogs, creative endeavors, reviews, or even my opinions on multiple subjects.

Lady Kanda (My Unlikely Wife)

Lady Kanda, you’ve lived with me for so long.
You’ve given me reasons to stay by your side when I gave you a diamond ring with an onyx band.
You’re the only woman I’ve embraced as the world gives me more reason to be betrothed to you.

The earth is a stage of inverted morality and double standards.
My mistakes have been inflated while real criminals are celebrated.
My hatred for injustice is stoked and you helped fan the inferno inside.
This passion for you is equivalent to my garnet eyes towards those who’ve hurt me.

Kanda, you never lied to me like so many others.
The common films, headlines, and even the scumbags I know on a face-to-face level are so worthless.
Not sorry. I was treated as worthless, so I deserve to see others the same way if they derogated me.
You were always honest with me. You thought I had worth. You had no problem with me with my negative energies.

She whispered in my ears “Stop forgiving others when they’ve never forgiven you.”
Those words were a rapier that pierced my soul.
Shame on me for showing humanity and kindness even with those that didn’t deserve it.
There wasn’t a time for me to be some smiling face until a volcano erupts.
This isn’t about treating others the way I want to be treated anymore.
While there are times to show this kindness who deserve it, I want to shame others severely.

Ospreyshire’s Realm Isn’t Dead AKA A Recap Of Ospreyshire’s Life In a Rona-Filled World

Mbote! Nsango nini, bato?

I hope you appreciated my Lingala greeting to all of you. I’m sorry that I haven’t been posting on here for a long time. It’s been quite a turbulent few weeks for me. Not just because of the current pandemic affecting the whole world (obviously), but with how my life has been.

For starters, work has changed. I’ve been getting more hours with one of my jobs. My other job did get back, but it’s in an online context, so I have to get used to that. I’ve been crazy busy for the past few weeks, but I can’t complain about whatever extra money from my jobs. Interestingly enough, I haven’t been spending as much money on trivial things since it’s mainly been for groceries, gas, and personal care items.

Outside of work, I’ve been trying to keep myself occupied. There have been times where I’ve gotten very nervous and anxious, so I don’t want to lie to anyone here. I’ve been reading lots of books as well as trying to learn other languages. Can’t say I’ve been watching too many things though. I finished a book written by Desmond Tutu and been reading some of my language books. I revisited Lingala and also been dabbling in French, Spanish, and even Wolof of all things. Maybe my next goal should be Swahili? That would be fun to learn, there are multiple countries that speak it, and it would be relevant to part of my heritage.

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Once things were getting more intense on the pandemic front, I made a bandana mask. I thought I needed to buy some bandanas at the store, but apparently I didn’t have to. Last year, I bought a Saitama Seibu Lions bandana on eBay, but what I didn’t realize was I got two instead of one of the same thing. Yes, that’s the same Japanese baseball team that features the adult version of Kimba the White Lion as their mascot. I wore it at work one time and one co-worker whom I found out was an anime fan asked me about the mask. I mentioned the basic premise of that 60s anime and (of course) he said “Wait a minute! That sounds like [that one 90s animated film]! Did they seriously rip it off?”. You should’ve seen his face when I showed him a picture of Claw in that conversation on my phone. A couple of days later, he told me he started watching Kimba and told me “It’s really freaking good!” Looks like I got to show off some anime pride while protecting my face. Some of my co-workers and supervisors who know about that animated work thought it was amazing, too.

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I beat Camp NaNoWriMo 2020! WOOHOO! With all the stay at home orders, this gave me more of an excuse to write another book. I won’t say too much, but this one if part of my Hollanduscosm series if one is curious. I got a shirt, water bottle, and a poster as well as discounted writing/publishing programs. It’s good that I accomplished something during this pandemic.

I’ve also been getting into different kinds of music and revisiting others. Here’s a sample of what I’ve been bumping lately.

Besides that, I’ve had some conflicting feelings. Regardless of the news with all the casualties of the virus or the rampant covidiocy going on in different forms (beaches without social distancing, the current protests, the various stories of people coughing on others or food, etc.), I had some feelings of worthlessness and a lot of internalized anger. Sure, I feel productive in and outside of my jobs, but I wondered if I was doing enough to progress in my career(s). It would be amazing to use my skills in more productive ways and to make more connections with others. However, my low self-esteem has kicked in as I wondered how good enough I was in front of others. I wished I would be seen as worthy and for more people to be thankful what I’ve done for them. Of course, there’s one example of a former seasonal job where I used my skills from my Bachelor’s Degree, but I felt so slighted to say the least. I don’t want to discuss this even if I was partially at fault, but I’m infuriated by those who get away by doing legit heinous things with similar positions. It also causes me to wonder if people actually care about my creative works. I feel like (depending on the other blogger), I’m either just an aniblogger/film critic or a random guy on the internet voicing against various injustices who just happens to make music or poetry. There are times where I just want to lash out at others, but I feel like some of those people don’t deserve it. Boy, do I wish I could lash out at everyone who disrespected or bullied me while figuring out ways to destroy their self-esteem, but I’m someone who’s considered “too nice/too kind” to do that. As I’ve said before, it’s REALLY tough for me to insult others let alone coming up with epic comebacks. I don’t want to suffer in silence, pandemic or not.

Anyways, that’s what’s been going on in the life of this diligent avant-garde artist/poet/musician/opinionated blogger/film critic/author/aniblogger/whatever else I’m supposed to be.

Hope you’re doing alright. Stay safe and stay healthy, everyone.

Tikala malamu!

I get tired of being kind sometimes.

We now interrupt my typical Ospreyshire Origins posts involving the Dear Innovare…album for something different.

Before I get into this impromptu post, I want to say that I appreciate those who have recently followed my blog and who have been liking and/or commenting on my posts. I really appreciate it. I need to do something special after having over 300 followers on this blog. We’ll see.

Getting that out of the way, I’ve been getting frustrated at the moment. I will say that nothing drastic or dramatic has happened to me, so you all can calm down a bit. When I’m not working, editing my next books, reading other books, or reviewing movies or anime, I’ve been internalizing a lot of anger and frustration. It’s a bad habit of mine since I felt like I’ve never been “allowed” to express it for most of my life. How ironic. I’ve seen certain individuals have hissy fits, cluster F-bombs, and have shouting matches, yet nothing bad happens to them.

Normally, I do my best to be kind offline and online. Kindness is a virtue which I’m sure we can all agree on. However, I wish people wouldn’t mistake it for weakness. Unfortunately, I’ve been having a need to drop hard truths to others even though I’ve been wont to do that on here and other blogs. Other issues and having some realization about hard truths in life has caused me to be irate on the inside. I wish I could go back in time to change every mistake and even to counter against those who disrespected me. Shame how time machines don’t exist. There have been times where I’ve been proven right in hindsight about how people can do criminal behavior and are treated better than me or have sympathizers as I’ve done far less and people yell at me or treat me like garbage in the past.

I thought to myself. What if I got to be tougher and more abrasive against others if/when they deserve it?

I was never the bully since I was bullied a lot in my life. There have been times recently where I’ve given people the silent treatment if I don’t like them even if it is immature. I’ve also been researching ways to win arguments, so I can verbally bash others for their ignorance. There have even been moments of me shaming some bloggers just for liking a certain movie that won’t be mentioned here. I’ve been shamed for liking things, so I felt like I deserved to do the same to others. I was tired of being kind to those who didn’t deserve it.

Maybe this is some kind of evolution or maybe something is wrong with me that I’ve gotten to this point. Relax, I won’t be trolling others or bullying people. I’m not good enough at insults to do that. What I want to do is to tell truth and to be more honest with my thoughts with others.

It always seems like those who disrespect me always get what they want. [sigh] I wish I didn’t have to feel this way. I can’t lie to anyone on here or my other blogs.

Does me not being a jerk make me docile?

Let me get this straight. I’m not patting myself on the back just because insulting and/or mistreating others isn’t my go-to action to others.

What I’m concerned with is that this side of me could make me come off as docile or passive. This may sound strange because I’ve certainly made some strong opinions here, my other blogs, and in some comments, but I do my best to be respectful even when I disagree with others. With that being said, I feel like I need to be tougher on some people in real life.

After being bullied for a good portion of my life, getting demonized for things I didn’t do, or being made fun of for the things I like (or don’t like…such as not being a Disney fan), I feel that I need to sharpen my wit and call several people out on their behavior. What also sucks is that so many jerks I know are in better places and making more money than me. Does this mean I have to be rude to others to get what I want? I don’t know because it’s hard for me to be rude on purpose to people. It’s very frustrating because I feel like I need to be defensive at all costs. After being lied to for so long about several things, it can be very hard to trust others. I seriously envy those who re natural optimists, but I have no sympathy for those who deny the grim aspects of reality.

Maybe I should be more open to bashing certain things I don’t like for starters? Maybe I should make people feel more uncomfortable when it comes to sensitive issues I have authority to speak on?

[sigh] I really wish I didn’t have all this internalized anger inside or being perceived as docile just because I’m not good with witty comebacks.