A lot of stress has been building up over the past couple of weeks. I’ve been working a lot, but I’ve had little time to decompress. I had feelings of depression and anxiety a ton recently. While it was good seeing some encouraging messages from people for situations irrelevant to my blog for different reasons, I still feel like I’m just a failure. My content on here hasn’t been up to par, I am struggling with material on here, and I think a ton of my projects are just going to be doomed to fail. Sometimes I wonder why I even both with this kind of stuff on here. I’ve also been angry as I realize how much more I’ve been manipulated and gaslighted. Being silenced all this time has enraged me and I realized that not everything was my fault or I wasn’t wrong all the time. It sickens me how people want to cling onto toxic positivity and ignore reality. It was like I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion or to speak truth to others. I wondered if others got or still get uncomfortable when I mention some of these things that aren’t popular or positive. Someone like me doesn’t have the privilege for that kind of convenience. That’s not even getting into the deluge of hypocrisy I’m seeing both offline and online from various people or some random things I managed to catch on TV. It is beyond frustrating seeing people get away with crap that is wrong as well as something I would NEVER get a free pass for if I was a jerk or straight up heinous. I don’t want to pretend that everything is alright because I’m struggling with my mental health. I don’t know how consistent I will be with posting things on this blog. Don’t get it twisted. I’m not asking for sympathy or fishing for compliments. I just had to get some of these emotions out of my chest. God, I feel like damaged goods.
A sound mind is rare
When there’s so many emotions that can scare
Overactive imaginations that are everywhere
Sometimes the greatest battles don’t happen with swords, fists, or other weapons
It happens in the mind
Invading thoughts occur without warning
Malevolent clocks running backwards and looped footage
There was no control to rewind everything to one’s wants
20/20 hindsight makes the slights into mountains
There needed to be no debilitation as it’s happened before
It had to start with resolve and telling the invaders to be expelled
All those times were uphill battles
As my head hits the pillow, I hear the symphony of raindrops
Landing on the roof
After several days without the skies pouring down, it was a welcome change of tune
I imagined each drop being an agent in purifying me despite being inside
Washing away the negativity as well as clearing my mind of such was something I wished would happen
There was something so calming hearing the rain landing on the ground
The very allegation of a fraudulent Andrew Jackson didn’t warrant an execution
The globe saw how vile the act was
Earlier on, others in the same profession acted with extreme restraint against tooled up whiners who threatened them and politicians
What stark irony and hypocrisy
That was undeserved in the land of 10,000 lakes
May justice remove her blindfold and for olive branches to renovate this society
[Dedicated to George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, and many more…]
I’m sorry I haven’t been talkative on my blogs over the past few days. I’ve been dealing with different issues. Some are certainly miniscule in hindsight, some are about my emotions, and the current state of America REALLY hasn’t helped. I needed to calm down before posting something very irrational. Is it that hard for people to have human decency? What did surprise me was how many have been saddened about what happened recently. You know that’s something when even mainstream figures of different class and political backgrounds are condemning this. My silence over the past few days was not me ignoring these atrocities. Trust me, I’ve been reading up on these things. I can’t lie, I had to break it up with lighthearted stuff, books, and even the occasional film so I don’t go stark raving mad or dangerously depressed.
I don’t picture myself posting as frequently as I usually do as of recently on this blog. This isn’t just because of the current climate. I also have other things to do like some constructive projects and even educational things.
As sappy as it sounds, I just want justice, peace, and people to just love as well as freaking accepting the humanity of others. It’s certainly a miracle that I have enough compassion to wish for such things.
Fear hides in my mind
No way to mold the unknown
I’ll hide behind smiles
My time is given for others even though I’m able to make a buck in this uncertain juncture.
My gloves are on, but I don’t have to go to the ring.
While I may have looked down on one occupation, I found some importance even when I wanted to do something else.
My health is on the line each time I walk through the door to help.
The diligence becomes greater as my creative works are harder to reach.
Maybe I should’ve canceled that challenge to write even if I have more reason to stay at home when I’m not on the clock at one place.
I’m glad I’m considered useful, but I wonder what the new normal would look like.
People took my trust for granted
Pardon me for asking questions about your intent
I want to make sure you’re not an enemy of mine
I don’t want to make them, but I must defend myself
The years of people claiming I’m over-analyzing or reading too much into others
Has made me weary
I learned the hard way that not everyone will be my friend
No matter how kind and genuine I am
(saying nothing about how jerks seem to get their way all the time)
It’s my way of vetting others because I want to know
Whether I should be defensive around you or not
Traditions blurred so many lines in my life
I believed them without question
From so many people older and supposedly smarter than me
While I knew about morality and spirituality
I found out that I was exploited
Hijacked doctrines permeated in my brain
To the point where I thought I wasn’t good enough of a human being
(The fact I have melanin and some emotional issues only added to the paranoia)
Learning about (my) unlocked history opened my eyes
I knew the morality and spirituality was coded in
What I didn’t know was the appropriation and bastardization
Was greater than I could imagine
Doctrines for right living were perverted
Into institutionalized bigotry
Double standards in humanity
And the transformation into low key murder cults
I know everybody has their own beliefs
I do not wish to force my world view onto others
Regardless if they knew my beliefs or outlook or not
This journey of finding myself and my missing heritage
Lead to great discoveries
But also uncomfortable truths
Eza mokano ya Nzankomba…
I’m the patron saint and the heir of perfectionism
One mistake and I collapse
Sorrow drowns me with more gallons than an ocean
I can’t lie about my anxiety
Everything needed to stand on a solid rock
While I mistaken that for well-packed sand
I wish I was perfect
No one would criticize me
I wouldn’t need to forgive myself even when others forgive me
Because that would be unnecessary
I hate that I make mistakes