Infinite rivers flood the terrestrial firmament
Deluging the ears from the preserved messages
It was time to burn
A refinement was paramount
Instead of self-destruction
For the heartbeat to be redesigned
I can’t say I’m genuinely happy most of the time, but it did happen. It felt great when people have been encouraged by me in an unexpected way. It was also great being encouraged by some people that I know.
This was all fine and good, but I haven’t been too creative besides my poems on here. Part of me feels like I’m being lazy of sorts given the original concept of this blog. I won’t be posting as often on this blog, but maybe once or twice a week. We’ll see what happens.
Being creative is really hard especially when it’s the Ospreyshire-type of creativity. Mine isn’t better than anyone’s, but it is very different.
Yippee skippy! Another Ospreyshire post that’s about my self-loathing issues! Hooray!
Please tell me that my morbid sarcasm came through in that first line because I’m rarely ever sarcastic in both my online and offline life.
This has been a marathon in reassessing my mental health and self-esteem. While it was fun working on another video project even if it was on the shorter side, I still hit some roadblocks in my creative life. I just realized how much some of my older material sucks whether it’s my poetry, fiction, some videos, or even the actual Ospreyshire material. Maybe this is me being older, but I felt like I haven’t fine-tuned what limited talents I had. What really doesn’t help is that people told me I was untalented years ago or whenever I do something great, they don’t see it or they try to downplay it if they do.
Yes, I still struggle with people pleasing.
I had a disturbing realization when I heard this one quote from a video I saw recently was where someone said (this is a paraphrase, by the way) “You somehow think that the enemy is perfect.” That quote really hit me hard because I secretly had that thought in the back of my head like how I was “trying” to be like the people who abused me even though I didn’t realize it back then. Maybe I believed in my mind years ago that if I got their validation, then I would be respected. Boy, was I totally wrong. Sure there were open bullies that I never wanted to be like, but it was the subtle ones that I low-key wanted to emulate even though I wouldn’t admit it. I was trying to fit in some circles where I wanted to belong, but never could. Whether it was me practicing my instrumental prowess or namedropping different bands, I thought it was somehow good enough. That affected me since it was a way of being someone else to avoid being my (worthless) self then. I guess blogging forced me not to do that as much in unexpected ways.
Anyways, I feel like I need to work harder with all of my talents so I can be seen as talented. Maybe not in the same way of how horrible people are still praised because of let’s say their musical talent, sporting abilities, or how well they can direct a movie, but I want to be seen as an innovator in whatever I attempt to create something. The odds have ALWAYS been stacked against me since I was born, so I had to work harder than all my peers whether it was in school, work, or any creative project I invested myself in. Shame that I wanted to get really good fast and quit certain activities or fell out of certain scenes out there.
I’m trying to find any worth in what I do.
I wondered if my efforts would amount for something bright
Not to be a millionaire or famous, but just something where I can prosper
This year, I certainly had my concerns and fears with the obvious
I’d be lying if I said I had none of those things
Everyone certainly is stressed at different levels, and I don’t blame them
Work, some classes, and my own independent studies gave me things to do
Okay, I do enjoy international films, but binge watching wasn’t a top goal
Sometimes I wonder if I’d be doing things on a bigger stage with my creative works
Not world tours or TV interviews, obviously
But something constructive as well as being able to help others
I don’t know what the future looks like, but I want to do what I can to make sure it’s good
Stay tuned, everyone.
Despite being thousands of miles away from some other creative types, I managed to get a little help from some musical friends. The internet has been very helpful in that regard.
So many creative types have been doing artistic things during lockdown. I managed to write in Camp NaNoWriMo and I get to use my Ospreyshire skills under this condition, too.
You’ll find out soon enough. :3
From Paris, Kentucky, I emerged into this world
At a young age, I was on the clock a ton as a handyman and working all the time fixing
I had no time for school, so tutors and autodidactic endeavors happened
What I didn’t know back then is that I would save lives
It all started from a tunnel that was ablaze
The men in red couldn’t beat the smoke
I watched them struggle and die from the carbon monoxide
It was time to fix this with a hood and breathing apparatus
I tested the smoke myself, and I still breathed
First responders and WWI soldiers both benefited from my creation
Shame no one believed someone with melanin invented it
Next came witnessing car crash after car crash
Scrap metal and mangled bodies were all I could see
All the signs said were “stop” and “go” manually
Give me the yellow light, I know what to do
The green and red were illuminated, but that had to be an in-between
How come no one else thought of this cautionary sign?
I made traffic signals with three lights and electric
Making warnings and curbing accidents
Shame no one believed someone like me invented it
Much like other innovators, I was taken for granted long after I was laid to rest in Cleveland.
I hope others know who I am.
Abuse quotes from Ecclesiastes
Piled upon excuses over excuses
Encouraging stealing and giving carte blanche
All show me how lazy and lacking in creativity these individuals are
I’m tired of robbers being rewarded
As they try to slaughter innovative ideas
They weren’t dead, but at worst…they were on life support
No one dares to try
It’s all about safe bets and still waters
In order to keep everything cloistered (as much as they wanted to be)
What ever happened to doing new things
Despite all the rampant copies
I know originality isn’t dead
Those who dare to implement innovations in all forms
Need to be known
I was guilty not appreciating everyday inventions from the unknowns
Even as some weren’t allowed to patent their creations because of their skin color
I have respect for the innovators
You can only rehash for so long
My autodidactic mind was on full throttle
Once I dug into the search engines I could find
So many things of constructive and artistic value came to my eyes
Things such as computers, pacemakers, CCTV, and lesser-known types of music
Among so many other things
Gave me such an enlightenment
Although a lingering sense of frustration filled my mind
“Why didn’t I know about this person?
“How did I not know that about this invention or piece of art?”
“So and so plagiarized this?”
“This person couldn’t get a patent because of their race?”
Those questions flooded my mind once I did my full diligence in my research
I was surrounded by the legacy of innovators in different fields I had never heard of
That realization hit me with things I took for granted
I wanted to know more and do more
I want to be an innovator in my multiple disciplines
So much inspiration gave me a reason to keep on living and to keep creating
I was not going to die useless
Even when I’m not at my day job(s)
I’m always creating something
The term “renaissance man” has been thrown at me before
I don’t mind it that much
I know how to work in multiple media
What does concern me is how much people (don’t) care about my creations
The kind words can only go so far
Creativity is my lifeblood
Yet no one care when I spill it into my own projects
Been a while since I did an opinion piece that wasn’t reliant on news stories. Sure, I talked about fandom hypocrisy or how wanting originality makes me a bad guy to some people’s eyes, but I will talk about something else.
As Ospreyshire, I haven’t been active in poetry or recording my spoken word projects as much as I would like. While I will record something which I can’t talk about what, it is rough for me as I’m so uninspired to come up with another EP or possibly a full-length album. I thought I would’ve done so much more, but work, other creative projects, and other life events took more priority in my life.
I’m not going to say it’s all bad creatively since I’ve been on a literary grind and I’m stoked to try Camp NaNoWriMo which I haven’t done in 2 years. I just released 6 books which I feel happy about.
Now let’s get to the bad news.
I’ve become so disillusioned with so many things. I won’t go into the more personal details of my life, but there are many things that cause me so much frustration. Some of the news stories I’ve talked about recently have angered me to know end. While I’m glad people are being exposed and some individuals are speaking out against it, I wonder if this could cause a domino effect for justice to reign. A different aspect involves people’s general apathy to the world around them. I don’t want to sound like an SJW, but I feel like so many people don’t care or secretly agree with the bad things happening around them just so they can stay secure. It’s also caused me to enjoy things less such as most movies and anime. No offense to my fellow bloggers who cover those topics since this isn’t about you, but it is hard for me to ignore tragedies or researching things I wasn’t taught back when I was in school. Look, I’m not a moral guardian or some perfect person. Let me get that straight. Maybe it’s a mix of getting older, more jaded, and becoming more aware of the world around me that’s causing me to fall away from certain things.
We’ll see what the future holds…