Has Anyone Seen My Joy?

I’ve been through tumultuous times before

But this year has been affecting everyone

Horrific memories flood my brain

Even if those years were objectively “better” compared to now

No justice has been done

My smile has greatly diminished whether I use it to hide or not

My passions have been downplayed

One interest has only been there, so I can finish something

Have I become a drone or rather would it be better as such if I was?

I do my best to mention serious topics as well as supporting multiple righteous causes

Do people even care?

I want to have joy again, but it’s on life support.

An Untitled Yet Relevant Poem, An Apology, and Some Life Updates

The very allegation of a fraudulent Andrew Jackson didn’t warrant an execution

The globe saw how vile the act was

Earlier on, others in the same profession acted with extreme restraint against tooled up whiners who threatened them and politicians

What stark irony and hypocrisy

That was undeserved in the land of 10,000 lakes

May justice remove her blindfold and for olive branches to renovate this society

[Dedicated to George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, and many more…]


I’m sorry I haven’t been talkative on my blogs over the past few days. I’ve been dealing with different issues. Some are certainly miniscule in hindsight, some are about my emotions, and the current state of America REALLY hasn’t helped. I needed to calm down before posting something very irrational. Is it that hard for people to have human decency? What did surprise me was how many have been saddened about what happened recently. You know that’s something when even mainstream figures of different class and political backgrounds are condemning this. My silence over the past few days was not me ignoring these atrocities. Trust me, I’ve been reading up on these things. I can’t lie, I had to break it up with lighthearted stuff, books, and even the occasional film so I don’t go stark raving mad or dangerously depressed.

I don’t picture myself posting as frequently as I usually do as of recently on this blog. This isn’t just because of the current climate. I also have other things to do like some constructive projects and even educational things.

As sappy as it sounds, I just want justice, peace, and people to just love as well as freaking accepting the humanity of others. It’s certainly a miracle that I have enough compassion to wish for such things.

Ospreyshire’s Realm Isn’t Dead AKA A Recap Of Ospreyshire’s Life In a Rona-Filled World

Mbote! Nsango nini, bato?

I hope you appreciated my Lingala greeting to all of you. I’m sorry that I haven’t been posting on here for a long time. It’s been quite a turbulent few weeks for me. Not just because of the current pandemic affecting the whole world (obviously), but with how my life has been.

For starters, work has changed. I’ve been getting more hours with one of my jobs. My other job did get back, but it’s in an online context, so I have to get used to that. I’ve been crazy busy for the past few weeks, but I can’t complain about whatever extra money from my jobs. Interestingly enough, I haven’t been spending as much money on trivial things since it’s mainly been for groceries, gas, and personal care items.

Outside of work, I’ve been trying to keep myself occupied. There have been times where I’ve gotten very nervous and anxious, so I don’t want to lie to anyone here. I’ve been reading lots of books as well as trying to learn other languages. Can’t say I’ve been watching too many things though. I finished a book written by Desmond Tutu and been reading some of my language books. I revisited Lingala and also been dabbling in French, Spanish, and even Wolof of all things. Maybe my next goal should be Swahili? That would be fun to learn, there are multiple countries that speak it, and it would be relevant to part of my heritage.

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Once things were getting more intense on the pandemic front, I made a bandana mask. I thought I needed to buy some bandanas at the store, but apparently I didn’t have to. Last year, I bought a Saitama Seibu Lions bandana on eBay, but what I didn’t realize was I got two instead of one of the same thing. Yes, that’s the same Japanese baseball team that features the adult version of Kimba the White Lion as their mascot. I wore it at work one time and one co-worker whom I found out was an anime fan asked me about the mask. I mentioned the basic premise of that 60s anime and (of course) he said “Wait a minute! That sounds like [that one 90s animated film]! Did they seriously rip it off?”. You should’ve seen his face when I showed him a picture of Claw in that conversation on my phone. A couple of days later, he told me he started watching Kimba and told me “It’s really freaking good!” Looks like I got to show off some anime pride while protecting my face. Some of my co-workers and supervisors who know about that animated work thought it was amazing, too.

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I beat Camp NaNoWriMo 2020! WOOHOO! With all the stay at home orders, this gave me more of an excuse to write another book. I won’t say too much, but this one if part of my Hollanduscosm series if one is curious. I got a shirt, water bottle, and a poster as well as discounted writing/publishing programs. It’s good that I accomplished something during this pandemic.

I’ve also been getting into different kinds of music and revisiting others. Here’s a sample of what I’ve been bumping lately.

Besides that, I’ve had some conflicting feelings. Regardless of the news with all the casualties of the virus or the rampant covidiocy going on in different forms (beaches without social distancing, the current protests, the various stories of people coughing on others or food, etc.), I had some feelings of worthlessness and a lot of internalized anger. Sure, I feel productive in and outside of my jobs, but I wondered if I was doing enough to progress in my career(s). It would be amazing to use my skills in more productive ways and to make more connections with others. However, my low self-esteem has kicked in as I wondered how good enough I was in front of others. I wished I would be seen as worthy and for more people to be thankful what I’ve done for them. Of course, there’s one example of a former seasonal job where I used my skills from my Bachelor’s Degree, but I felt so slighted to say the least. I don’t want to discuss this even if I was partially at fault, but I’m infuriated by those who get away by doing legit heinous things with similar positions. It also causes me to wonder if people actually care about my creative works. I feel like (depending on the other blogger), I’m either just an aniblogger/film critic or a random guy on the internet voicing against various injustices who just happens to make music or poetry. There are times where I just want to lash out at others, but I feel like some of those people don’t deserve it. Boy, do I wish I could lash out at everyone who disrespected or bullied me while figuring out ways to destroy their self-esteem, but I’m someone who’s considered “too nice/too kind” to do that. As I’ve said before, it’s REALLY tough for me to insult others let alone coming up with epic comebacks. I don’t want to suffer in silence, pandemic or not.

Anyways, that’s what’s been going on in the life of this diligent avant-garde artist/poet/musician/opinionated blogger/film critic/author/aniblogger/whatever else I’m supposed to be.

Hope you’re doing alright. Stay safe and stay healthy, everyone.

Tikala malamu!

Does me not being a jerk make me docile?

Let me get this straight. I’m not patting myself on the back just because insulting and/or mistreating others isn’t my go-to action to others.

What I’m concerned with is that this side of me could make me come off as docile or passive. This may sound strange because I’ve certainly made some strong opinions here, my other blogs, and in some comments, but I do my best to be respectful even when I disagree with others. With that being said, I feel like I need to be tougher on some people in real life.

After being bullied for a good portion of my life, getting demonized for things I didn’t do, or being made fun of for the things I like (or don’t like…such as not being a Disney fan), I feel that I need to sharpen my wit and call several people out on their behavior. What also sucks is that so many jerks I know are in better places and making more money than me. Does this mean I have to be rude to others to get what I want? I don’t know because it’s hard for me to be rude on purpose to people. It’s very frustrating because I feel like I need to be defensive at all costs. After being lied to for so long about several things, it can be very hard to trust others. I seriously envy those who re natural optimists, but I have no sympathy for those who deny the grim aspects of reality.

Maybe I should be more open to bashing certain things I don’t like for starters? Maybe I should make people feel more uncomfortable when it comes to sensitive issues I have authority to speak on?

[sigh] I really wish I didn’t have all this internalized anger inside or being perceived as docile just because I’m not good with witty comebacks.

The Drawbacks of Being a Multi-Disciplined Artist

I really need to be real with all of you. I’ve been facing a bunch of burnout. While it’s been fun making the finishing the touches on the Ospreyshire full-length album, I’ve been struggling with other aspects of my life. Sure, there’s the typical adulting with work, bills, and other mundane things which is to be expected. Besides that, I’ve been feeling a bit depressed.

I’m a poet, fiction writer, musician, videographer, and film critic among other things. There are so many endeavors I want…no, need to get finished, but I don’t know how I can catch up with everything. I wish my all of my work wasn’t for naught in all the fields I cover. It’s a miracle people tolerate let alone support me in different ways. I wish I could be better at everything. That and be rewarded for my works.

I just had to be honest. I have no ill will towards you, the reader (and/or follower). It’s been a whirlwind of disappointment at this juncture.

Music Spotlight: “The Love You Save (May Be Your Own)” by Joe Tex

Recently, I’ve been having a kick of listening to classic R&B, soul, and blues. There were so many artists that I have ignored after listening to so much music that was released when I was alive. After researching music plagiarism and how so many forms of Black music were stolen and appropriated without credit (contrary to semi-popular belief, I’m not just talking about “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” or the documentary The Lion’s Share). I underestimated how bad it was in America, but that’s a story for another time.

This is a ballad from the singer Joe Tex which dates back to 1966 called “The Love You Save (May Be Your Own)”. I had never heard of Joe Tex or his music until just a few weeks ago, and this was the first song I heard from him. I stumbled across it when I researched how rock, blues, soul, and R&B were stolen en masse and this song was mentioned. This sound is haunting with the waltz time, orchestration, and Tex’s mournful vocals. The part of the song that really hit me hard was the second verse. Here are the lyrics that stood out to me:

“I’ve been pushed around
I’ve been lost and found
I’ve been given til sundown
To get out of town
I’ve been taken outside
And I’ve been brutalized
And I’ve had to always be the one to smile and apologize”

WOW! Those are tremendous words and it shows how so many musicians in multiple genres are such sheltered cowards while also being extremely relatable even though this came out decades before I was born. The sundown line is brutal since he’s clearly talking about sundown towns. Those were towns where Black people had to leave before night lest they be slaughtered by the white population during the Jim Crow era. The line that really hit me in the feels was the last one in that quote. I have a bad habit of apologizing too much and there were times where I was coerced to do so even when I didn’t do anything wrong. I HATE being treated like the bad guy when others are exalted for worse things! A song like that could ONLY be written by someone like him, but even I could relate to those lyrics even if it’s not entirely for the exact same reasons. How did I not know about Joe Tex or his music until now?

I hope you enjoy the song.

Indoctrinated in Falsehoods

Traditions blurred so many lines in my life
I believed them without question
From so many people older and supposedly smarter than me
While I knew about morality and spirituality
I found out that I was exploited
Hijacked doctrines permeated in my brain
To the point where I thought I wasn’t good enough of a human being
(The fact I have melanin and some emotional issues only added to the paranoia)

Learning about (my) unlocked history opened my eyes
I knew the morality and spirituality was coded in
What I didn’t know was the appropriation and bastardization
Was greater than I could imagine
Doctrines for right living were perverted
Into institutionalized bigotry
Double standards in humanity
And the transformation into low key murder cults

I know everybody has their own beliefs
I do not wish to force my world view onto others
Regardless if they knew my beliefs or outlook or not
This journey of finding myself and my missing heritage
Lead to great discoveries
But also uncomfortable truths

Eza mokano ya Nzankomba…

Reki

I was looked up to by so many in the community
The de facto leader of sorts for them
I was there to show them the way and to learn about the town
After so many hours of being in front of others
I had to retreat to my studio

With canvases, brushes, and paint
I had to express myself when I wasn’t around the rest
While I was seen as the big sibling around
I felt so insecure
Like I was constantly being stepped on
Or having a train racing through my direction

Was I truly ready for flight no matter how small my charcoal feathered wings were?
I hated to admit this, but I needed to be rescued

Inspiration for Pathos Formula Wave

I didn’t expect to get some attention for my new EP, but I appreciate those who’ve listened to it. If you haven’t then here it is.

I wanted to strip my sound down for this concept. This involved a restricted setting with the recording and writing process. For starters, every song had to be based on the same poetic format. In this case, I chose the nonet. That’s a nine line poem with nine syllables each. There are also nine songs on the EP, so one can say I went up to the nines, right?

The recording process is even more minimal than previous recordings I’ve done with my last EP, singles, and compilation contributions. I only used my voice and acousmatics for this one to see what sounds I can get or manipulate. Some of the found sounds are more obvious than others like using a bathtub in one example.

Besides the composition, I thought this EP was therapy for me. I have to be honest with all you readers. I have a lot of issues with internalizing my anger and sadness. A ton of people have enraged me for most of my lives. Most of them are people I haven’t done anything wrong to. I won’t name names, but the tracks involve people who’ve bullied me in the past, some racists who’ve given me hell, and former co-workers who questioned my worth while getting special treatment. This has been a long time coming. The times when I was open with my anger, people treat me like I’m Satan himself. Not to mention a lot of those same people never owned up to THEIR actions and wrongdoings which frustrates me more. You really want to get on my bad side? It’s when others don’t take responsibility for their words or actions when they do something hurtful. I was sick of hiding these feelings for years now and they manifested in spoken word form.

So what do you think? What was your favorite song on the album? What are your thoughts on how I created this EP?

Maybe this could lead to something good and that’s saying nothing about another album I’m writing and recording. Wink wink.