Another Untitled Poem

Hello

Have you ever lived under constantly stormy skies?

One wonders what the sun even looks like at this point

Some rays did show from across the Atlantic

Unlikely sources including a champion

Offered some solar essences

They were appreciated

Yet it was no panacea

One still wanted to trade their existence for another

Losing Hobbies (Yet Another Post About Fandom Shaming)

I really feel like talking about this subject again.

I’ve been subjected to fandom shaming multiple times in my life. One thing I sometimes did back then was to “hate” something just to spite the person who shamed me. It usually involved various bands or movies and I would tell them straight up “I no longer like the thing you made fun of me for.” just to get on their nerves. Sometimes it would be a temporary thing where I would like something again. I’ve never been able to get someone to stop liking something, but at most when I know I’m right about something I have made people not look at something the same way again especially if there’s something problematic about a fandom or a piece of media. The most successful attempt even though I was only passing information involved telling people about a VERY certain 2019 Netflix documentary covering a music plagiarism case. If you know me, you know exactly what it is, what song, who was involved in that court case, and what caused it to be the straw that broke the camel’s back which caused that lawsuit to happen. I think some of you will get the answer right. It certainly opened up some eyes and also further proved me right about what was associated with that case.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve been losing hobbies. Some of it involves me growing out of certain interests, but other times I remembered being made fun of for certain interests where I just gave up. It really didn’t helped that I struggled with committing to certain activities when I was a lot younger even though there were other issues I was dealing with then. Part of me wondered what it would be like if I gave into temptation to get someone to stop liking something and how effective I could be at it. Conversely, I listened to a podcast where someone talked about how you have so many people online tearing others down (Twitter and YouTube being very specific examples in the conversation) and he wondered how anyone could get an enjoyment in doing so instead of doing something else like talking a walk outside for example. This felt like an angel and devil on my shoulder kind of thing where I think if I should verbally attack someone for their fandoms. I’m not going to pretend I’m a saint. There is a sliver of me wanting to do so as an indirect revenge against those who insulted me for having some hobbies. There are even times where I feel like I have to make pre-emptive self defense statements before I say why I like something by finding any counterarguments to defend what I have interests in. This even goes with some of my more serious interests, too.

Sorry for rambling. While there are bigger issues in the world, this is something that is still bothering me. Has anyone else had that issue with giving up certain interests because of fandom shaming or just getting older? Have you ever dealt with similar situations?

I don’t have a clever title for this post.

There has been so much tragedy and insanity going on recently. There were mass shootings not even a week apart, someone holding up National Guard members at gunpoint when they were transporting vaccines, and how certain judges seem to be cool with domestic abuse when it comes to actresses admitting to doing it to their former husbands mong other things.

Not going to lie, I’ve been still dealing with so many negative emotions. There have been some good things and I’ve been busy with other real life things, but I’m just beyond frustrated with some of these current events on the news while also at the same time realizing how my self-esteem has been messed up for years now. These events that have nothing to do with me and other things I went through make me feel like I’m proven right about so many things about life in all of it’s cruelty and unfairness.

DON’T TELL ME LIFE’S NOT FAIR!

That’s an insult to my intelligence and I don’t want to rant about all the bad things that happened to me or how certain people get away with everything when they shouldn’t.

It doesn’t help that it feeds into my solipsism which I’m surprisingly not called out on as much as I thought. There are times where I believe I’m the only person who suffers from this or that because I don’t see someone else go through what I went through for example. I’ve held back a lot of anger and sadness. Whenever I would talk to someone about someone else doing something bad, then I’m rarely ever believed. I also don’t believe anything unless I see it or hear about it (assuming if someone is telling the truth). Yeah, I’m a real doubting Thomas, right?

They don’t necessarily have to be big egregious stories with me. I just look at certain posts or news articles about different situations and I just say to myself “Thank you for proving me right!” whether something fits the narrative or not. Of course, I never get a chance to rub it in anyone’s face whenever that happens, so it can be frustrating for me since I feel like certain people I know offline treat me like I’m wrong even when I know I’m right. Alas, I’m held to a different standard compared to others.

However, I have to keep focused. It’s not like I have a time machine to erase every bad thing that happened to me or to fix various mistakes. This is still a long healing process and I hope I can see this through even with all the craziness, injustice, and blatant hypocrisy in this world.

I didn’t know I was hurt THAT much in hindsight

This past week allowed me to be unexpectedly self-reflective all of a sudden. In between my blogging life, work, adulting, and everything, I was really thinking about how my life was affected negatively in ways I didn’t even think about.

It’s one thing being physically attacked which I won’t downplay if that’s happened, but bruises and cuts can heal as well as being seen. The mind is far tougher to heal.

I don’t want to be to explicit or wax some grand life story, but I started to understand the causes and effects with how I view things. There are struggles with my mental health as well as my shattered self-esteem that I’ve mentioned before, but I’ve been realizing more and more how I was damaged psychologically. It wasn’t just about explicit insults, but there was a lot of low-key things.

Some examples:

-Being told that I can’t do something or join a certain group because it is “too difficult”. (Geez, dog whistle, much?)

-Being told to just take insults and potshots with a grain of salt while others getting what they want as well as making me the bad guy if I fired back with hurtful words.

-One time a former female co-worker complained about my “male voice” despite never raising my voice at her, around her, or trying to divert attention somewhere else. If the situation was reversed and I complained about her or any woman about her voice, I’d be called a sexist. Back then, I had NEVER heard that as a negative thing before years ago.

-People making fun of my interests, but if I make fun of them in return, they suddenly freak out if I knew about their weaknesses.

-My masculinity was questioned just because I was more into artsy things instead of sports by a couple of people. Dead serious.

-My peers doing some egregious things with impunity, but I do something far less severe and I’m punished for it.

-There were times where I apologized for things I didn’t do even though no one believed me that I didn’t do something when I was a kid.

-I was told by a now-ex-friend that I was being “unchristlike” when I vented out some frustration online even though I wasn’t attacking anyone. I wished I never sought this person’s validation when it came to friendship or even music. They even insulted me and humiliated me while pretending to console me after the fact and I should’ve called out this person more often. Maybe this person wanted a medal for mistreating me while trying to seem righteous while using me or others to get some indie rep or possibly moving to Portland…

That’s just some of the things among worse examples that are far more profane. Some of these emotions welled up and I held a lot of it inside.

There were some very negative side effects because I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone since no one would believe me or they say I’m making this a bigger deal than it should be. Not only that, but I wouldn’t talk to people for hours on end and I even had periods of self-harm years ago which really didn’t help. I just kept smiling despite being full of agony as I was going along to get along. As I get older, I realized how much others have used me as some kind of object or stepping stone without me knowing about it, how I’m not allowed to speak my mind, or how I’m supposed to just be oppressed with these microaggressions. It’s no wonder I’ve been so messed up in different ways, and I feel like I have to be an autodidact with my recovery. This isn’t going to be instantaneous.

I’m not sorry for this being a more depressing post. I wished I never had any pain in my life as well as immediately identifying all attempts of abuse at me even during my childhood. Shame how so many people never took my issues seriously.

Obligatory New Year’s Post

Happy New Year, everyone!

How was your first day of 2021? I didn’t bother staying awake until midnight or past that since I had to work early this morning. It’s not necessarily my thing. Wow, this makes me sound old.

2021 is still up in the air with the calendar and all. I don’t have any clear resolutions yet. I would like to do some creative things related to Ospreyshire (the spoken word project) as well as my other creative endeavors. Videography was very fun last year, so that could be something I could try. Weirdly enough, most of my specific goals involve watching and reviewing films on my other blog. I’ve been watching some interesting things including from countries where I didn’t know had their own cinema scenes. Posting poetry is something I want to do more often on this blog.

While I do have some hopes, I have to be honest with you that I have lingering depression and there was a time earlier today where I felt like I was hopeless while thinking this year is going to be miserable, but I’m not sure. Positivity can be foreign at times for me and this has been a thing even before 2020 happened.

I hope you have a blessed new year nonetheless.

Morose Permeation

All it took was a revealed cover-up and one Tartaros of a sellout

The Bluegrass State never saw such a miscarriage

The ire magnified across the country

Was $12 million really enough for them in dealing with Breonna Taylor’s death?

Tell me if Justine Damond’s family got the same treatment

The insanity in this country wouldn’t stop there

There wasn’t a debate, but a yelling match between the two

Even pro wrestling promos had more sense and civility than that gaffe

Dog whistles and lack of policy questions were all it was about

Next thing, I know one was tested positive

But I thought it would just go away or possibly a hoax, right? (sarcasm)

These events indirectly added to the frustration

All I could see was a hopeless future

The lack of responsibility and equality was enough to darken my soul

My mind could only ruminate and catastrophize

I really am pathetic, aren’t I?

No matter how productive I am, I only saw bleak things

Has Anyone Seen My Joy?

I’ve been through tumultuous times before

But this year has been affecting everyone

Horrific memories flood my brain

Even if those years were objectively “better” compared to now

No justice has been done

My smile has greatly diminished whether I use it to hide or not

My passions have been downplayed

One interest has only been there, so I can finish something

Have I become a drone or rather would it be better as such if I was?

I do my best to mention serious topics as well as supporting multiple righteous causes

Do people even care?

I want to have joy again, but it’s on life support.

An Untitled Yet Relevant Poem, An Apology, and Some Life Updates

The very allegation of a fraudulent Andrew Jackson didn’t warrant an execution

The globe saw how vile the act was

Earlier on, others in the same profession acted with extreme restraint against tooled up whiners who threatened them and politicians

What stark irony and hypocrisy

That was undeserved in the land of 10,000 lakes

May justice remove her blindfold and for olive branches to renovate this society

[Dedicated to George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, and many more…]


I’m sorry I haven’t been talkative on my blogs over the past few days. I’ve been dealing with different issues. Some are certainly miniscule in hindsight, some are about my emotions, and the current state of America REALLY hasn’t helped. I needed to calm down before posting something very irrational. Is it that hard for people to have human decency? What did surprise me was how many have been saddened about what happened recently. You know that’s something when even mainstream figures of different class and political backgrounds are condemning this. My silence over the past few days was not me ignoring these atrocities. Trust me, I’ve been reading up on these things. I can’t lie, I had to break it up with lighthearted stuff, books, and even the occasional film so I don’t go stark raving mad or dangerously depressed.

I don’t picture myself posting as frequently as I usually do as of recently on this blog. This isn’t just because of the current climate. I also have other things to do like some constructive projects and even educational things.

As sappy as it sounds, I just want justice, peace, and people to just love as well as freaking accepting the humanity of others. It’s certainly a miracle that I have enough compassion to wish for such things.

Ospreyshire’s Realm Isn’t Dead AKA A Recap Of Ospreyshire’s Life In a Rona-Filled World

Mbote! Nsango nini, bato?

I hope you appreciated my Lingala greeting to all of you. I’m sorry that I haven’t been posting on here for a long time. It’s been quite a turbulent few weeks for me. Not just because of the current pandemic affecting the whole world (obviously), but with how my life has been.

For starters, work has changed. I’ve been getting more hours with one of my jobs. My other job did get back, but it’s in an online context, so I have to get used to that. I’ve been crazy busy for the past few weeks, but I can’t complain about whatever extra money from my jobs. Interestingly enough, I haven’t been spending as much money on trivial things since it’s mainly been for groceries, gas, and personal care items.

Outside of work, I’ve been trying to keep myself occupied. There have been times where I’ve gotten very nervous and anxious, so I don’t want to lie to anyone here. I’ve been reading lots of books as well as trying to learn other languages. Can’t say I’ve been watching too many things though. I finished a book written by Desmond Tutu and been reading some of my language books. I revisited Lingala and also been dabbling in French, Spanish, and even Wolof of all things. Maybe my next goal should be Swahili? That would be fun to learn, there are multiple countries that speak it, and it would be relevant to part of my heritage.

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Once things were getting more intense on the pandemic front, I made a bandana mask. I thought I needed to buy some bandanas at the store, but apparently I didn’t have to. Last year, I bought a Saitama Seibu Lions bandana on eBay, but what I didn’t realize was I got two instead of one of the same thing. Yes, that’s the same Japanese baseball team that features the adult version of Kimba the White Lion as their mascot. I wore it at work one time and one co-worker whom I found out was an anime fan asked me about the mask. I mentioned the basic premise of that 60s anime and (of course) he said “Wait a minute! That sounds like [that one 90s animated film]! Did they seriously rip it off?”. You should’ve seen his face when I showed him a picture of Claw in that conversation on my phone. A couple of days later, he told me he started watching Kimba and told me “It’s really freaking good!” Looks like I got to show off some anime pride while protecting my face. Some of my co-workers and supervisors who know about that animated work thought it was amazing, too.

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I beat Camp NaNoWriMo 2020! WOOHOO! With all the stay at home orders, this gave me more of an excuse to write another book. I won’t say too much, but this one if part of my Hollanduscosm series if one is curious. I got a shirt, water bottle, and a poster as well as discounted writing/publishing programs. It’s good that I accomplished something during this pandemic.

I’ve also been getting into different kinds of music and revisiting others. Here’s a sample of what I’ve been bumping lately.

Besides that, I’ve had some conflicting feelings. Regardless of the news with all the casualties of the virus or the rampant covidiocy going on in different forms (beaches without social distancing, the current protests, the various stories of people coughing on others or food, etc.), I had some feelings of worthlessness and a lot of internalized anger. Sure, I feel productive in and outside of my jobs, but I wondered if I was doing enough to progress in my career(s). It would be amazing to use my skills in more productive ways and to make more connections with others. However, my low self-esteem has kicked in as I wondered how good enough I was in front of others. I wished I would be seen as worthy and for more people to be thankful what I’ve done for them. Of course, there’s one example of a former seasonal job where I used my skills from my Bachelor’s Degree, but I felt so slighted to say the least. I don’t want to discuss this even if I was partially at fault, but I’m infuriated by those who get away by doing legit heinous things with similar positions. It also causes me to wonder if people actually care about my creative works. I feel like (depending on the other blogger), I’m either just an aniblogger/film critic or a random guy on the internet voicing against various injustices who just happens to make music or poetry. There are times where I just want to lash out at others, but I feel like some of those people don’t deserve it. Boy, do I wish I could lash out at everyone who disrespected or bullied me while figuring out ways to destroy their self-esteem, but I’m someone who’s considered “too nice/too kind” to do that. As I’ve said before, it’s REALLY tough for me to insult others let alone coming up with epic comebacks. I don’t want to suffer in silence, pandemic or not.

Anyways, that’s what’s been going on in the life of this diligent avant-garde artist/poet/musician/opinionated blogger/film critic/author/aniblogger/whatever else I’m supposed to be.

Hope you’re doing alright. Stay safe and stay healthy, everyone.

Tikala malamu!