I do care about others
That’s no lie
Yet my frown grows at the same rate as their smiles
There are those who cannot reciprocate which I understand
The ones who are able to rarely ever do so
Should those benevolent actions come back to me
I’d see constant blue skies
For now, I’m bleeding in dreamland
A lot of stress has been building up over the past couple of weeks. I’ve been working a lot, but I’ve had little time to decompress. I had feelings of depression and anxiety a ton recently. While it was good seeing some encouraging messages from people for situations irrelevant to my blog for different reasons, I still feel like I’m just a failure. My content on here hasn’t been up to par, I am struggling with material on here, and I think a ton of my projects are just going to be doomed to fail. Sometimes I wonder why I even both with this kind of stuff on here. I’ve also been angry as I realize how much more I’ve been manipulated and gaslighted. Being silenced all this time has enraged me and I realized that not everything was my fault or I wasn’t wrong all the time. It sickens me how people want to cling onto toxic positivity and ignore reality. It was like I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion or to speak truth to others. I wondered if others got or still get uncomfortable when I mention some of these things that aren’t popular or positive. Someone like me doesn’t have the privilege for that kind of convenience. That’s not even getting into the deluge of hypocrisy I’m seeing both offline and online from various people or some random things I managed to catch on TV. It is beyond frustrating seeing people get away with crap that is wrong as well as something I would NEVER get a free pass for if I was a jerk or straight up heinous. I don’t want to pretend that everything is alright because I’m struggling with my mental health. I don’t know how consistent I will be with posting things on this blog. Don’t get it twisted. I’m not asking for sympathy or fishing for compliments. I just had to get some of these emotions out of my chest. God, I feel like damaged goods.
All I know is suffering in silence
As failure lingers ever still
Will I ever see gold, silver, or even bronze?
Enforced smiling did malignant damage
Without my knowledge
Have you ever lived under constantly stormy skies?
One wonders what the sun even looks like at this point
Some rays did show from across the Atlantic
Unlikely sources including a champion
Offered some solar essences
They were appreciated
Yet it was no panacea
One still wanted to trade their existence for another
I really feel like talking about this subject again.
I’ve been subjected to fandom shaming multiple times in my life. One thing I sometimes did back then was to “hate” something just to spite the person who shamed me. It usually involved various bands or movies and I would tell them straight up “I no longer like the thing you made fun of me for.” just to get on their nerves. Sometimes it would be a temporary thing where I would like something again. I’ve never been able to get someone to stop liking something, but at most when I know I’m right about something I have made people not look at something the same way again especially if there’s something problematic about a fandom or a piece of media. The most successful attempt even though I was only passing information involved telling people about a VERY certain 2019 Netflix documentary covering a music plagiarism case. If you know me, you know exactly what it is, what song, who was involved in that court case, and what caused it to be the straw that broke the camel’s back which caused that lawsuit to happen. I think some of you will get the answer right. It certainly opened up some eyes and also further proved me right about what was associated with that case.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve been losing hobbies. Some of it involves me growing out of certain interests, but other times I remembered being made fun of for certain interests where I just gave up. It really didn’t helped that I struggled with committing to certain activities when I was a lot younger even though there were other issues I was dealing with then. Part of me wondered what it would be like if I gave into temptation to get someone to stop liking something and how effective I could be at it. Conversely, I listened to a podcast where someone talked about how you have so many people online tearing others down (Twitter and YouTube being very specific examples in the conversation) and he wondered how anyone could get an enjoyment in doing so instead of doing something else like talking a walk outside for example. This felt like an angel and devil on my shoulder kind of thing where I think if I should verbally attack someone for their fandoms. I’m not going to pretend I’m a saint. There is a sliver of me wanting to do so as an indirect revenge against those who insulted me for having some hobbies. There are even times where I feel like I have to make pre-emptive self defense statements before I say why I like something by finding any counterarguments to defend what I have interests in. This even goes with some of my more serious interests, too.
Sorry for rambling. While there are bigger issues in the world, this is something that is still bothering me. Has anyone else had that issue with giving up certain interests because of fandom shaming or just getting older? Have you ever dealt with similar situations?
There has been so much tragedy and insanity going on recently. There were mass shootings not even a week apart, someone holding up National Guard members at gunpoint when they were transporting vaccines, and how certain judges seem to be cool with domestic abuse when it comes to actresses admitting to doing it to their former husbands mong other things.
Not going to lie, I’ve been still dealing with so many negative emotions. There have been some good things and I’ve been busy with other real life things, but I’m just beyond frustrated with some of these current events on the news while also at the same time realizing how my self-esteem has been messed up for years now. These events that have nothing to do with me and other things I went through make me feel like I’m proven right about so many things about life in all of it’s cruelty and unfairness.
DON’T TELL ME LIFE’S NOT FAIR!
That’s an insult to my intelligence and I don’t want to rant about all the bad things that happened to me or how certain people get away with everything when they shouldn’t.
It doesn’t help that it feeds into my solipsism which I’m surprisingly not called out on as much as I thought. There are times where I believe I’m the only person who suffers from this or that because I don’t see someone else go through what I went through for example. I’ve held back a lot of anger and sadness. Whenever I would talk to someone about someone else doing something bad, then I’m rarely ever believed. I also don’t believe anything unless I see it or hear about it (assuming if someone is telling the truth). Yeah, I’m a real doubting Thomas, right?
They don’t necessarily have to be big egregious stories with me. I just look at certain posts or news articles about different situations and I just say to myself “Thank you for proving me right!” whether something fits the narrative or not. Of course, I never get a chance to rub it in anyone’s face whenever that happens, so it can be frustrating for me since I feel like certain people I know offline treat me like I’m wrong even when I know I’m right. Alas, I’m held to a different standard compared to others.
However, I have to keep focused. It’s not like I have a time machine to erase every bad thing that happened to me or to fix various mistakes. This is still a long healing process and I hope I can see this through even with all the craziness, injustice, and blatant hypocrisy in this world.
This past week allowed me to be unexpectedly self-reflective all of a sudden. In between my blogging life, work, adulting, and everything, I was really thinking about how my life was affected negatively in ways I didn’t even think about.
It’s one thing being physically attacked which I won’t downplay if that’s happened, but bruises and cuts can heal as well as being seen. The mind is far tougher to heal.
I don’t want to be to explicit or wax some grand life story, but I started to understand the causes and effects with how I view things. There are struggles with my mental health as well as my shattered self-esteem that I’ve mentioned before, but I’ve been realizing more and more how I was damaged psychologically. It wasn’t just about explicit insults, but there was a lot of low-key things.
-Being told that I can’t do something or join a certain group because it is “too difficult”. (Geez, dog whistle, much?)
-Being told to just take insults and potshots with a grain of salt while others getting what they want as well as making me the bad guy if I fired back with hurtful words.
-One time a former female co-worker complained about my “male voice” despite never raising my voice at her, around her, or trying to divert attention somewhere else. If the situation was reversed and I complained about her or any woman about her voice, I’d be called a sexist. Back then, I had NEVER heard that as a negative thing before years ago.
-People making fun of my interests, but if I make fun of them in return, they suddenly freak out if I knew about their weaknesses.
-My masculinity was questioned just because I was more into artsy things instead of sports by a couple of people. Dead serious.
-My peers doing some egregious things with impunity, but I do something far less severe and I’m punished for it.
-There were times where I apologized for things I didn’t do even though no one believed me that I didn’t do something when I was a kid.
-I was told by a now-ex-friend that I was being “unchristlike” when I vented out some frustration online even though I wasn’t attacking anyone. I wished I never sought this person’s validation when it came to friendship or even music. They even insulted me and humiliated me while pretending to console me after the fact and I should’ve called out this person more often. Maybe this person wanted a medal for mistreating me while trying to seem righteous while using me or others to get some indie rep or possibly moving to Portland…
That’s just some of the things among worse examples that are far more profane. Some of these emotions welled up and I held a lot of it inside.
There were some very negative side effects because I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone since no one would believe me or they say I’m making this a bigger deal than it should be. Not only that, but I wouldn’t talk to people for hours on end and I even had periods of self-harm years ago which really didn’t help. I just kept smiling despite being full of agony as I was going along to get along. As I get older, I realized how much others have used me as some kind of object or stepping stone without me knowing about it, how I’m not allowed to speak my mind, or how I’m supposed to just be oppressed with these microaggressions. It’s no wonder I’ve been so messed up in different ways, and I feel like I have to be an autodidact with my recovery. This isn’t going to be instantaneous.
I’m not sorry for this being a more depressing post. I wished I never had any pain in my life as well as immediately identifying all attempts of abuse at me even during my childhood. Shame how so many people never took my issues seriously.
Rarities in sight
Beyond the mundane terrain
Forgetting all pain
Happy New Year, everyone!
How was your first day of 2021? I didn’t bother staying awake until midnight or past that since I had to work early this morning. It’s not necessarily my thing. Wow, this makes me sound old.
2021 is still up in the air with the calendar and all. I don’t have any clear resolutions yet. I would like to do some creative things related to Ospreyshire (the spoken word project) as well as my other creative endeavors. Videography was very fun last year, so that could be something I could try. Weirdly enough, most of my specific goals involve watching and reviewing films on my other blog. I’ve been watching some interesting things including from countries where I didn’t know had their own cinema scenes. Posting poetry is something I want to do more often on this blog.
While I do have some hopes, I have to be honest with you that I have lingering depression and there was a time earlier today where I felt like I was hopeless while thinking this year is going to be miserable, but I’m not sure. Positivity can be foreign at times for me and this has been a thing even before 2020 happened.
I hope you have a blessed new year nonetheless.
All it took was a revealed cover-up and one Tartaros of a sellout
The Bluegrass State never saw such a miscarriage
The ire magnified across the country
Was $12 million really enough for them in dealing with Breonna Taylor’s death?
Tell me if Justine Damond’s family got the same treatment
The insanity in this country wouldn’t stop there
There wasn’t a debate, but a yelling match between the two
Even pro wrestling promos had more sense and civility than that gaffe
Dog whistles and lack of policy questions were all it was about
Next thing, I know one was tested positive
But I thought it would just go away or possibly a hoax, right? (sarcasm)
These events indirectly added to the frustration
All I could see was a hopeless future
The lack of responsibility and equality was enough to darken my soul
My mind could only ruminate and catastrophize
I really am pathetic, aren’t I?
No matter how productive I am, I only saw bleak things