All I know is suffering in silence
As failure lingers ever still
Will I ever see gold, silver, or even bronze?
Enforced smiling did malignant damage
Without my knowledge
Yippee skippy! Another Ospreyshire post that’s about my self-loathing issues! Hooray!
Please tell me that my morbid sarcasm came through in that first line because I’m rarely ever sarcastic in both my online and offline life.
This has been a marathon in reassessing my mental health and self-esteem. While it was fun working on another video project even if it was on the shorter side, I still hit some roadblocks in my creative life. I just realized how much some of my older material sucks whether it’s my poetry, fiction, some videos, or even the actual Ospreyshire material. Maybe this is me being older, but I felt like I haven’t fine-tuned what limited talents I had. What really doesn’t help is that people told me I was untalented years ago or whenever I do something great, they don’t see it or they try to downplay it if they do.
Yes, I still struggle with people pleasing.
I had a disturbing realization when I heard this one quote from a video I saw recently was where someone said (this is a paraphrase, by the way) “You somehow think that the enemy is perfect.” That quote really hit me hard because I secretly had that thought in the back of my head like how I was “trying” to be like the people who abused me even though I didn’t realize it back then. Maybe I believed in my mind years ago that if I got their validation, then I would be respected. Boy, was I totally wrong. Sure there were open bullies that I never wanted to be like, but it was the subtle ones that I low-key wanted to emulate even though I wouldn’t admit it. I was trying to fit in some circles where I wanted to belong, but never could. Whether it was me practicing my instrumental prowess or namedropping different bands, I thought it was somehow good enough. That affected me since it was a way of being someone else to avoid being my (worthless) self then. I guess blogging forced me not to do that as much in unexpected ways.
Anyways, I feel like I need to work harder with all of my talents so I can be seen as talented. Maybe not in the same way of how horrible people are still praised because of let’s say their musical talent, sporting abilities, or how well they can direct a movie, but I want to be seen as an innovator in whatever I attempt to create something. The odds have ALWAYS been stacked against me since I was born, so I had to work harder than all my peers whether it was in school, work, or any creative project I invested myself in. Shame that I wanted to get really good fast and quit certain activities or fell out of certain scenes out there.
I’m trying to find any worth in what I do.
Cue that one Terminal song today
That reminder of my high school years reappeared
Disappointment and internalized frustration
Beat me to the punch once again
Despite consoling conversations, it’s been arduous letting go
At least I own up to my shortcomings
Maturity can only go so far
I long for a second chance and to prove my critics wrong
To laugh in their face and to tell them four biting words
“I told you so”
“I really did improve”
To break the will
I stood outside at 27 degrees in the Midwestern December to make this video. Oh, the things I do for my art. That hollowed and burnt out trunk represents this week’s katauta.