Ospreyshire’s Identity Crisis Pt. I

Intent was a chameleon

As the original endeavor was ignored

Maybe more ears popped up

When I threw pairs of pennies

Whenever situations got very serious

What is Ospreyshire’s realm?

What is Ospreyshire (about) ?

Why is Ospreyshire about so many things?

Consistency was too busy being in the corner

At the cost of a confused identity

I get tired of being kind sometimes.

We now interrupt my typical Ospreyshire Origins posts involving the Dear Innovare…album for something different.

Before I get into this impromptu post, I want to say that I appreciate those who have recently followed my blog and who have been liking and/or commenting on my posts. I really appreciate it. I need to do something special after having over 300 followers on this blog. We’ll see.

Getting that out of the way, I’ve been getting frustrated at the moment. I will say that nothing drastic or dramatic has happened to me, so you all can calm down a bit. When I’m not working, editing my next books, reading other books, or reviewing movies or anime, I’ve been internalizing a lot of anger and frustration. It’s a bad habit of mine since I felt like I’ve never been “allowed” to express it for most of my life. How ironic. I’ve seen certain individuals have hissy fits, cluster F-bombs, and have shouting matches, yet nothing bad happens to them.

Normally, I do my best to be kind offline and online. Kindness is a virtue which I’m sure we can all agree on. However, I wish people wouldn’t mistake it for weakness. Unfortunately, I’ve been having a need to drop hard truths to others even though I’ve been wont to do that on here and other blogs. Other issues and having some realization about hard truths in life has caused me to be irate on the inside. I wish I could go back in time to change every mistake and even to counter against those who disrespected me. Shame how time machines don’t exist. There have been times where I’ve been proven right in hindsight about how people can do criminal behavior and are treated better than me or have sympathizers as I’ve done far less and people yell at me or treat me like garbage in the past.

I thought to myself. What if I got to be tougher and more abrasive against others if/when they deserve it?

I was never the bully since I was bullied a lot in my life. There have been times recently where I’ve given people the silent treatment if I don’t like them even if it is immature. I’ve also been researching ways to win arguments, so I can verbally bash others for their ignorance. There have even been moments of me shaming some bloggers just for liking a certain movie that won’t be mentioned here. I’ve been shamed for liking things, so I felt like I deserved to do the same to others. I was tired of being kind to those who didn’t deserve it.

Maybe this is some kind of evolution or maybe something is wrong with me that I’ve gotten to this point. Relax, I won’t be trolling others or bullying people. I’m not good enough at insults to do that. What I want to do is to tell truth and to be more honest with my thoughts with others.

It always seems like those who disrespect me always get what they want. [sigh] I wish I didn’t have to feel this way. I can’t lie to anyone on here or my other blogs.

Does me not being a jerk make me docile?

Let me get this straight. I’m not patting myself on the back just because insulting and/or mistreating others isn’t my go-to action to others.

What I’m concerned with is that this side of me could make me come off as docile or passive. This may sound strange because I’ve certainly made some strong opinions here, my other blogs, and in some comments, but I do my best to be respectful even when I disagree with others. With that being said, I feel like I need to be tougher on some people in real life.

After being bullied for a good portion of my life, getting demonized for things I didn’t do, or being made fun of for the things I like (or don’t like…such as not being a Disney fan), I feel that I need to sharpen my wit and call several people out on their behavior. What also sucks is that so many jerks I know are in better places and making more money than me. Does this mean I have to be rude to others to get what I want? I don’t know because it’s hard for me to be rude on purpose to people. It’s very frustrating because I feel like I need to be defensive at all costs. After being lied to for so long about several things, it can be very hard to trust others. I seriously envy those who re natural optimists, but I have no sympathy for those who deny the grim aspects of reality.

Maybe I should be more open to bashing certain things I don’t like for starters? Maybe I should make people feel more uncomfortable when it comes to sensitive issues I have authority to speak on?

[sigh] I really wish I didn’t have all this internalized anger inside or being perceived as docile just because I’m not good with witty comebacks.

Reki

I was looked up to by so many in the community
The de facto leader of sorts for them
I was there to show them the way and to learn about the town
After so many hours of being in front of others
I had to retreat to my studio

With canvases, brushes, and paint
I had to express myself when I wasn’t around the rest
While I was seen as the big sibling around
I felt so insecure
Like I was constantly being stepped on
Or having a train racing through my direction

Was I truly ready for flight no matter how small my charcoal feathered wings were?
I hated to admit this, but I needed to be rescued

Trying to Erase My Ignorance

I wish I knew then what I knew now
Altering the past would’ve been a beautiful thing if it was feasible
I was never this genius that some people have told me
I’m still learning, yet I feel that I still don’t know enough
If I could have erased my ignorance
I could’ve had a better life
Bullies would be discredited
And none would dare challenge me again
I want to know and show I’m right
Where no one could argue against what I know

I’ve been recording lately.

Besides that single I posted earlier this month, did any of you know that Ospreyshire was my avant-garde/spoken word project to begin with since 2016?

Be honest because I know not everyone is aware of that since my followers know me for my other disciplines like my movie reviews and my fiction (in that order).

Well, I have to let you all remember that I’m recording some new tunes. I won’t give away too much, but I have been recording vocals and acousmatics for something I’m going to release very soon. You’ll see more details about it in the coming weeks. The recording for that project is done, so all I need to do is make album art for it. After that, I’ve also been writing a separate album that has a unified concept with multiple narratives. I hope that one becomes very…original.

Anyways, I thought I would give you some news on that front even though some of you forgot or didn’t know that about me to begin with.

A Short Rant Poem About Crowned Copycats

No, I have no interest in going to the theater
When alleged creators won’t stand by their thievery
That’s not even getting into coded stereotypes
No thank you, I’m just fine staying away
I know you were trying to troll me
And trying to relive your childhood
How shallow do you have to be by defining your childhood
By a multi-million dollar funded lie?


Okay, the poem’s done, but I had to get this off my chest.

So many people in real life are proving me right. Just saying. SMH.

Fans, Geeks, Nerds, and Whomever…How can you stay hopeful about what you like?

Uh oh. It has happened again. I’m dealing with a wave of cynicism and frustration yet again.

After dealing with a rough week, some of the aftereffects have been kicking in although not for the same reasons as to how I became frustrated over a week ago.

I know a lot of my followers would self-identify as being nerds, fans, or somewhere in between. Not going to lie, it’s mainly because of my other blogs instead of this one, but I appreciate you checking out the Ospreyshire page from time to time despite a certain other blog being currently on hiatus. There are times where I’m a bit jealous of you, so I have to ask you this simple question.

How can you stay hopeful about what you like?

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been getting more jaded than usual when it comes to being a fan of certain things. Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it liking some things such as obscure movies, anime, music (listening and making it), or even playing video games which I rarely even do. I haven’t touched a video game in ages and I ended up playing Genesis stuff for a brief nostalgia kick. Even then, I felt empty. Was I really doing ANYTHING constructive by being into these things? Maybe I really was more stupid than I thought ever since my childhood. I just can’t understand how so many of you can be confident in what you all like.

For me, I’ve been bullied for what I liked. There have been times where I “hated” things out of spite to tick off some people who were giving me a hard time. Sure, I was derogated for worse things in my life, but that always annoyed me. I didn’t realize some of those same people were insecure for reasons I don’t know, but that’s irrelevant. Part of me wants to just stop liking things that gave me happiness. I wouldn’t call it joy since most of those hobbies and interests didn’t go that far or had that kind of edification to them to be honest with you. I create more than I consume especially when it comes to fiction or writing lyrics.

This may sound irrational, but I had thoughts on how I can or should deal with this matter. I’ve seriously wondered if I should bash people for what they like or shame them for being into certain kinds of fandoms. What if I told people that what they do isn’t constructive? What if I asked them if someone like me was into the same interests, would I get insulted or looked down upon? Should I tell them that they should be interested in more constructive or more important things? I’m sick of being moralized upon, so there’s something inside that wants me to do the same thing as revenge for what happened to me. There were so many missed opportunities for me to demoralize those who insulted me for having certain (nerdier) interests. Call it internalized anger. Call it me righting a wrong. Call it me trying to better myself, but I can’t hold onto this frustration for this long.

I feel that I need to be constructive. It’s not just working lots of hours for me. I need to create more than I consume. Whether it’s music, poetry, fiction, or my other interests, I feel the need to be constructive and I have to cut off distractions in my life.

I really am jealous of all you fans. I wish I could be as blissful and carefree as you. You all probably have better lives than me and have a healthy balance in life. I wish I wasn’t so dismal no matter how hard I attempt to break these negative feelings.

Creativity is tough and other ailments

Been a while since I did an opinion piece that wasn’t reliant on news stories. Sure, I talked about fandom hypocrisy or how wanting originality makes me a bad guy to some people’s eyes, but I will talk about something else.

As Ospreyshire, I haven’t been active in poetry or recording my spoken word projects as much as I would like. While I will record something which I can’t talk about what, it is rough for me as I’m so uninspired to come up with another EP or possibly a full-length album. I thought I would’ve done so much more, but work, other creative projects, and other life events took more priority in my life.

I’m not going to say it’s all bad creatively since I’ve been on a literary grind and I’m stoked to try Camp NaNoWriMo which I haven’t done in 2 years. I just released 6 books which I feel happy about.

Now let’s get to the bad news.

I’ve become so disillusioned with so many things. I won’t go into the more personal details of my life, but there are many things that cause me so much frustration. Some of the news stories I’ve talked about recently have angered me to know end. While I’m glad people are being exposed and some individuals are speaking out against it, I wonder if this could cause a domino effect for justice to reign. A different aspect involves people’s general apathy to the world around them. I don’t want to sound like an SJW, but I feel like so many people don’t care or secretly agree with the bad things happening around them just so they can stay secure. It’s also caused me to enjoy things less such as most movies and anime. No offense to my fellow bloggers who cover those topics since this isn’t about you, but it is hard for me to ignore tragedies or researching things I wasn’t taught back when I was in school. Look, I’m not a moral guardian or some perfect person. Let me get that straight. Maybe it’s a mix of getting older, more jaded, and becoming more aware of the world around me that’s causing me to fall away from certain things.

We’ll see what the future holds…