Untitled Academia Rant

So much self-realization after weeks of reflection

An anniversary shows up after getting the gown and cap

I proved I could make it in four year’s time on time

Some of my peers couldn’t even say that

While I wasn’t a valedictorian or salutatorian in that realm

I still took my studies seriously

There were things I learned which I appreciated

But as I grew older, I’ve been realizing what I DIDN’T learn regardless if it was relevant to my degree or not

Socializing was a trial by fire of sorts

I was awkward at times, I do confess

I was too music of a music fan and didn’t talk about my other interests that much.

With that said, I realized how much I was in hell

Self-righteous fake Christians moralizing and wrecking my self-esteem in subtle ways

Some men and women got to be psychological rapists to me while pretending to be my friend

I wish I knew about the insidious and hidden attacks to my mind

One attempt failed when one person said “White power!” to my face my sophomore year

Boy, did I give him and his buddies the riot act by yelling at them that day

Overt, covert…didn’t matter

I didn’t deserve the torture

While I’m thankful for certain professors teaching me and making some legit friendships,

I underestimated the negatives

I should’ve progressed farther after the fact

There were situations out of my control and some were in control, but I should’ve improved in the latter

Hidden pains wreck my psyche with these echoes of the past

I hope to succeed better than all the fake friends and true enemies I knew during those four years

And not be crippled by my regrets

Easier said than done.

I Wish I Could Smile Without Using It a Defense Mechanism

It’s scientifically proven that smiling is easier since there’s less muscles to use.

If it was physically easier, then why does it still hurt after the fact? I can’t lie to you, I have struggled in the past as being a people pleaser of sorts. Blogging has helped diminish that somewhat, but it still lingers. I tried telling people I wasn’t alright, but they tell me I should keep smiling more or they wouldn’t care about how bad I would feel then. Whether it was me being depressed or angry, it was somehow a nuisance to them. This was just bad advice in hindsight and probably affected my mental health in low key ways.

Are people that inconvenienced at best or scared at worst when I’m in a negative mood? Then again, I’ve seen my fair share of other people acting up way worse than I even could on my worst days and no one seems to call them out, but it’s whatever…

On here or my other blogs, I’d feel like I’d be lying if I said everything was pure sunshine even if I was genuinely happy when I typed something out.

I just wished others including my own friends and family would listen to me and care about my emotional well-being. It’s a shame how some people told me I’m being selfish for asking such a thing, but others aren’t. Thanks for feeding my solipsism, jerks.

Sorry for not having any poetry or any creative posts today. Smiling can be such a chore for me even before these pandemic-filled times. Shame on everyone who subtly violated my mental health in such stealthy ways years ago. This isn’t some kind of sympathy post. I had to get this off my chest as I’m self-analyzing my life.