There are times where I wish I took a psychology course
To realize how much my psyche has been abused in ways I never knew how or why from subtle forms
The hobbies I like(d) became objects of ridicule
Social awkwardness manifested in itself
My heritage also made me something to hate regardless of my character
Apologies were spoken ad nauseum for who I was
As if my mind wasn’t flawed enough
So many things forced me to be an autodidact
“Why even bother?” I would say or think
“I know I’m going to lose anyway.”
Stop it, brain.
“It’s always the biggest jerks who get what they want. You need to be cruel to be on top even though you’ll never get away with it.”
That didn’t come from my mind this time. It was bad advice. Get thee behind me…
“Try reprogramming yourself. They think you’re a stupid robot anyway. You’re just a useless piece of –“
SHUT UP!
The violation of my self-esteem affected me way more than I thought. Shame how any affirmative thing I say about myself can be construed as an ego.
All I do was lose, lose, lose, no matter what as I try to squeak out a semblance of a victory.
