Why was I so naive to try and befriend my eventual abusers?
Psychological violations were low-key
To my own brain and esteem
Shame on me, for only seeing their talent or their facades
No class ever taught me about gaslighting
Why was I so stupid thinking I could redeem them?
Saying sorry even for things that weren’t my fault
Became some kind of vicarious intent for these vampires
When I stood up on my own two feet
That’s where they wanted me to change my name to Billie Eilish (if she was relevant during those times, pardon the pun)
I might as well have been the son of Satan himself in their eyes
None of my peers went through what I went through
This arrested developmental was pure stealth in subterfuge
Hugging me while my back became a corporeal sheath to them
Those same parasites never had my consent when they got to my psyche
No AT Field was there to protect the cortex
Perpetual scapegoating…
Avoiding my judgmental glances…
It was a like those blizzard cyclones that plague New England even when those who control them flee to become a Northwesterner (Nor’Wester?)
I never saw agony in their beings. They might as well sing pop punk tunes and name a band after a Blink or Ataris ditty
#FirstWorldProblems is what their laments sound like
Stockholm got the better of my judgment and I never knew why
I’m sick of having to prove my worth, intelligence, and humanity to them, my own friends…
…and you.
Tag Archives: Psychological
I Wish I Was Never A Defeatist (At Least I’m Honest About That Flaw)
There are times where I wish I took a psychology course
To realize how much my psyche has been abused in ways I never knew how or why from subtle forms
The hobbies I like(d) became objects of ridicule
Social awkwardness manifested in itself
My heritage also made me something to hate regardless of my character
Apologies were spoken ad nauseum for who I was
As if my mind wasn’t flawed enough
So many things forced me to be an autodidact
“Why even bother?” I would say or think
“I know I’m going to lose anyway.”
Stop it, brain.
“It’s always the biggest jerks who get what they want. You need to be cruel to be on top even though you’ll never get away with it.”
That didn’t come from my mind this time. It was bad advice. Get thee behind me…
“Try reprogramming yourself. They think you’re a stupid robot anyway. You’re just a useless piece of –“
SHUT UP!
The violation of my self-esteem affected me way more than I thought. Shame how any affirmative thing I say about myself can be construed as an ego.
All I do was lose, lose, lose, no matter what as I try to squeak out a semblance of a victory.
