Internalizing Issues (A Rant)

It’s been a while since I did a personal rant, but I’ve bottled up a lot of emotions recently.

As if this past year wasn’t stressful enough for everyone, I have just had enough of internalizing everything. One recurring thought I’ve had was thinking that I’m somehow always wrong and that so many bad things have happened to me. Have there been bad things that happened in my life? Yes. However, sometimes I feel like I’m the only person it ever happens to which adds to bouts of solipsism from time to time. Look, I don’t label myself as some perfect person or some beacon of morality. I’d be a filthy liar if I said that. I have low self-esteem, can be socially awkward at times, passive, can struggle with hidden meaning in people’s words, been bullied to the point of silence, thinking only bad things happen to me, and I don’t know how to be quick-witted. Whenever I had to tell on someone when I was younger, most of the time, no one would do anything about it. If I did something wrong or tried to defend myself (I’m not talking about getting physical), then I was somehow in the wrong.

It’s been rough with bottling up depressing thoughts, anger, and other negative emotions even if I’m smiling on the outside. Am I the only person this happens to? I certainly have enough self-control to not do something heinous with these emotions, so that’s a plus. What does anger me is when so many people get away with so many things. That doesn’t surprise some of you who’ve followed this blog for a while. I’ve dealt with therapists who’ve insulted me in the past which certainly burned. This feeling of being disrespected and people getting away with it even if I speak up was like being psychologically violated. It really didn’t help when I discovered long after the fact how I was being devalued in subtle ways (dog whistles, low-key insults, etc.). I would even do things out of spite to make people leave me alone like “hating” things I admitted to liking or trying to use people’s insults against them in obscure ways. Yeah, it didn’t work. That’s probably no wonder why I’ve been tempted to shame some bloggers even for something as simple as a thought on a movie, for example. I didn’t see anyone else suffer in that way, so I thought they had healthy stable lives. There have been far worse things that have happened to me in real life, but I saw so many things as negative. Glass half empty? That describes how I saw the world even during my childhood. It just sucks having to harbor so many of these bad flashbacks in my brain even when I try to forget or ignore them.

Blogging and having creative endeavors have been cathartic whether it’s poetry, writing reviews, making videos, or other things. Shame how I struggle with thinking I’m a worthless person from time to time, but at least it kept me busy when I wasn’t at work or studying for example.

Personally, it’s a miracle that anyone would be interested in what I type about or present. I wish I didn’t have to pretend everything is fine online and especially offline. Sorry for rambling. I had to get these things off my chest.

Observations, Questions, and Rants about How Messed Up Everything Is

I don’t feel like doing anything poetic. I need to let off some steam about the chaos going on. This climate has made me sad, furious, and nervous among other things. Some of the answers should be obvious to some of you when I ask these questions.

How insane is it that reporters are getting assaulted and arrested just for doing their jobs? People know it’s violating freedom and the press and the 1st Amendment, right?

How is it that the Third Amendment would actually come up in conversation outside of the confines of a US government or citizenship class? The fact that it was invoked to get National Guard troops out of DC hotels in my lifetime is mind blowing. It even trended on Twitter of all places, too!

What does this say about society when Sesame Street characters can show up at a CNN Town Hall and address the issues of racism, police brutality, white privilege, protesting, and reconciliation better than any politician of either major American political party during my lifetime?

How is it that plants and instigators of the peaceful protests get treated better than those who are legitimately protesting nonviolently? Also, why isn’t mainstream media going hard against the undercover agents looting and just blame every black person they see who happens to be nearby?

How is it that the Buffalo cops can still lie on an elderly white protestor, get caught lying when the video came out, or how 57 officers “resigned” in support of the police who pushed them? Once the video dropped, white America for one second got to see what it was like to be black when they saw someone who could be their grandfather, father, brother, or even them have his skull crack on the pavement and bleed while the authorities walked by like nothing happened.

How come “Reopen the State” Covidiots can threaten governors, policemen, and can show up willy-nilly with AK-47s and AR-15s on government property and no one does anything yet unarmed anti-racism protestors get met with batons, rubber bullets, flash grenades, or even military forces?

So teachers can be punished (suspended or fired) for yelling at children, yet a cop in Fontana, California can get paid leave for raping a minor 4 years ago, and just NOW get charged for it? I’m sorry, but if anyone doesn’t get fired and arrested for such a heinous act, then NOBODY should be fired!

Why aren’t Breonna Taylor’s killers even charged yet? She really needs justice and those murderers shouldn’t be able to get away scot-free for what they did.

How is it that whatever good cops are there get punished and/or bullied for calling out against police brutality or trying to stop abusive behavior, but the ones who do the abusing get protected?

A football player can conflate anti-racist causes with “disrespecting the flag” and one’s just right to have an opinion, but to call out against systemic racism and they should just “shut up and dribble”? Double standards much when it comes to athletes of certain complexions?

What does it say that people are more offended by people wanting equality than Mark Wahlberg actually committing hate crimes in the 80s against black and Vietnamese people? Boy, does this make Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch look like vile cultural appropriation in hindsight, don’t you think?

How is it that some Republicans can jump ship to support a Democrat? I’m an independent and even I was like “Wait? WHAAAAAT?! How is this possible?”. This makes no sense.

Why is it that the same people who try to stock up on arms in case there’s tyrannical activity in America are eerily silent about legit unconstitutional attacks on peaceful protestors and reporters?

How can so many countries actually protest against racial injustice at once regardless of their demographics?

Those are a few observations I’ve noticed over the past couple of weeks. Hypocrisy, bigotry, and mass confusion has been rattling my brain.

Hi, I’m Ospreyshire. I Harbor Truckloads of Internalized Pessimism and I Wish It Wasn’t So.

These past few posts since coming back from my unexpected hiatus have been loaded with negativity even though I was being honest.

Just know that none of that was towards any of my readers, so please understand that.

Weirdly enough, I have this reputation of being optimistic offline or occasionally online, but I’m surprised that people think that way. Then again, I did have a weakness of caring (too much) about what others think even though that’s been changing for years.

The problem is that I happened to internalize a lot of negativity, anger, and depression. It doesn’t help with my long-term memory and how I remember more bad things than good. The times where I try to get help or to get better, I get refused or people think I’m overreacting and over-analyzing. If this was someone else, then the world has to stop to help them.

Can’t you tell that I hate double standards? It’s no wonder I’ve been harboring so much frustration for most of my life and not look like anything’s wrong offline or online most of the time. I know I run the risk of sounding like I suffer from solipsism, but I seriously feel like I’m the only person who gets to suffer whether I do right or the times where I err and I personally don’t see any of that happening to anyone because it didn’t happen before my eyes. It really didn’t help when I was bullied during my youth because most of the teachers wouldn’t do anything even if I told on my enemies. Even when I was in college, these bullies would get away with so much and have connections with the student council or be considered popular. Wow, I guess me being interested in independent music or even obscure movies let alone having melanin made me a pariah. Boy, I wish I would’ve shamed everyone for their hobbies or interests as revenge to break their self-esteem. It’s a miracle how I can still smile or say anything positive from time to time.

Sorry for venting out some of my frustrations, everyone. I wish that none of you end up like me. I’m surprised that I still have people who appreciate my blogs, creative endeavors, reviews, or even my opinions on multiple subjects.

Ospreyshire’s Top 10 Most Viewed Posts of 2019.

It’s list season and while this blog never had any fancy content, I thought it would be fine to do some kind of retrospective from the year that was 2019. These were the most viewed posts on Ospreyshire’s Realm last year. This was a mix of poetry, news, rants, awards, and music.

10: Am I Kind (Enough)?

9: Tie between the College Cheating Saga…, 6000+ Views, and Forgiving Myself Is Hard

8: Recording is Done!

7: Am I Not Angry (Enough)?

6: Saddest PSA

5: Perhaps I’m Mysterious? (Mystery Blog Award)
mystery-blogger

4: Dear Innovare album cover and tracklisting revealed
Untitled Design

3: I’m Really Neat? (Neat Blog Award)
real-neat-blog-award-cover

2: Do you (or should you) separate the art from the artist?

1: How I learned to utterly despise The Lion King
an_unexpected_aftermath_by_theforgivenartist-d4vhbtx

Feel free to check out these posts. Do you have any favorites? Which things did you like about the Ospreyshire blog in 2019?

Disney Double Standards in a nutshell.

For starters, I would like to thank K at the Movies for the term that inspired this mini-rant.

If someone likes Disney movies as an adult that’s okay, but if I tell people I like anime, I get made fun of.

If someone old enough to be my parents or grandparents rocks Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, etc on a short or jacket, no one says anything. I wear a shirt with Kimba the White Lion, then I’m supposedly weird.

Whenever the creators say or do bad things, they are easily forgiven. When I point out any unfortunate implications in these movies, then I’m over-analyzing or even called a racist or hateful for pointing them out.

Whenever Disney buys out a major company, it’s supposedly star spangled awesome. Any other conglomerate, then they are the evil empire.

Whenever Disney makes a new animated movie, it’s instantly awesome no matter what. When it’s any other company, it’s automatically garbage.

Whenever someone else uses princesses or fairy tales, they get called rip offs, but if you point out that Disney has plagiarized things (see: Kimba or Nadia: Secret of Blue Water), then it’s just coincidence or “everyone rips off something”.

Whenever someone says they hate Don Bluth or Dreamworks, it’s cool. When someone doesn’t like Disney, they are seen as villains!

Whenever Disney gives lip service to nonwhite ethnic groups, it’s progressive. When someone gets racebent, then it’s instantly Armageddon (See: the #NotMyAriel backlash).

Watch any cartoon with lots of anthropomorphic animal characters, and you get called a furry. Watch a Disney movie or cartoon with the same kinds of characters, and supposedly that’s exempt.

When an IP has a bunch of sequels or remakes, and that’s franchise milking. Disney does the same thing (especially their remakes currently), and that’s okay.

When some artist does horrible things, then they get shunned and blacklisted. When a Disney employee does horrible things, then they separate the art from the artist because their childhoods and fandom mean more than justice.

Those are examples I can think of at the moment. Anything of more double standards?

Does me not being a jerk make me docile?

Let me get this straight. I’m not patting myself on the back just because insulting and/or mistreating others isn’t my go-to action to others.

What I’m concerned with is that this side of me could make me come off as docile or passive. This may sound strange because I’ve certainly made some strong opinions here, my other blogs, and in some comments, but I do my best to be respectful even when I disagree with others. With that being said, I feel like I need to be tougher on some people in real life.

After being bullied for a good portion of my life, getting demonized for things I didn’t do, or being made fun of for the things I like (or don’t like…such as not being a Disney fan), I feel that I need to sharpen my wit and call several people out on their behavior. What also sucks is that so many jerks I know are in better places and making more money than me. Does this mean I have to be rude to others to get what I want? I don’t know because it’s hard for me to be rude on purpose to people. It’s very frustrating because I feel like I need to be defensive at all costs. After being lied to for so long about several things, it can be very hard to trust others. I seriously envy those who re natural optimists, but I have no sympathy for those who deny the grim aspects of reality.

Maybe I should be more open to bashing certain things I don’t like for starters? Maybe I should make people feel more uncomfortable when it comes to sensitive issues I have authority to speak on?

[sigh] I really wish I didn’t have all this internalized anger inside or being perceived as docile just because I’m not good with witty comebacks.

The Petty Priorities of Society

The Amazon is burning, yet the masses care more if Peter Parker can still be in that multi-million cinematic universe.

Domestic terrorists wreak havoc, yet the masses care more about spicy chicken sandwiches.

Artifacts have been stolen for centuries, yet the masses care about the new T-Swizzle (I use that nickname pejoratively) album.

Police brutality remains unfettered, yet the masses care more about geriatrics trying to relive their action movie careers.

Tariffs are upcoming because of trade wars, yet the masses happily shop for trinkets paycheck by paycheck.

Why are people so petty and stupid? I guess they prefer living in comfortable illusions than the morbid reality around their entitled bubbles.

3 news cases I have to vent about: Mass Shootings, Cultural Appropriation, and Dehumanization

I wish I wasn’t physically sick today. Over the past few days, I’ve been hearing stories and I just get emotionally sick hearing about these. This world is too cruel and bigoted for it’s own good. I couldn’t just have 3 different posts going on.

1: The mass shootings in El Paso, TX and Dayton, OH

This should be quite obvious since this was big news over the weekend. I wasn’t shocked at what happened. So many people died in two different shootings in El Paso and Dayton by Patrick Crusius and Connor Betts respectively. It’s not surprising at all with who the suspects were and I’m frustrated by how well they treated. When I saw the video of Patrick Crusius being arrested, he was taken alive (OF COURSE!) by only 1 single cop. Apparently he wasn’t in fear of his live for someone who gunned down over 20 people and people have been treated worse for less nationwide let alone in Texas. Oh, I’ll get to that reason why I namedropped that state in particular. When I saw a different video from the African Diaspora News Channel (FKA The Advise Show). Phil talked about the El Paso shooting and said something that really hit me in just four words “Mass murderers have privilege”. Think about that for a minute. How many unarmed Black people get gunned down for far less by the police, yet White killers get taken alive and the cops suddenly don’t feel scared even if the suspect is armed? This is the Injustice system on full display.

2: #TrademarkWars Pt. III AKA Be Prepared…because Disney is suing people because of a foreign phrase!

Disney…STOP GIVING ME REASONS TO BASH YOU REGARDING YOUR RIP-OFF MOVIE!

I swear if that company keeps up with this madness, then I might as well call Ospreyshire’s Realm the Lion King Thievery Expose Blog. As you all know, Disney trademarked the phrase “Hakuna Matata” which sparked outrage on and off the African continent. There’s a petition still going on right now. You should already know my thoughts about this issue. I remember some people being in denial that Disney wouldn’t be stupid enough to sue people despite having legal fiat to do so. It was only a matter of time, but those people would be wrong and I was proven right. You see, Disney is suing a Chinese company for trying to trademark that Swahili phrase, but as “HakunaMatata” in their claim. Here’s more information about that story. Let’s break it down. An American company is suing a Chinese company over a phrase they didn’t invent from a language that isn’t spoken in either place. Now, China wants in on stealing African culture, too. For me, this is like America and China’s predatory business practices in Africa in microcosm. Just look at all the people being exploited by companies from both countries in the continent. You even have Chinese people beating up Ugandan politicians or murdering Namibian employees there and that’s the stuff I know about. I’m sure China wouldn’t like it if Disney trademarked a common phrase like “Xie xie” or “Ni hao” if they did something idiotic to promote the upcoming Mulan live-action remake, and everybody knows it. Lion King fans, I dare you to defend this and the other forms of theft.

#3: A leashed Black man…HOW SHAMEFUL!

Going back to Texas, there was a mentally ill Black man who was apprehended by two cops on horseback and leashed him! If it wasn’t for the cars and fashion, I would’ve thought I saw a real life scene from the 1800s, not 2019. The slave catcher imagery was beyond sick and this goes back to the first news story. You get accused of trespassing (allegedly), then you’ll have two cops leashing you up with horses, but if you slaughter people in the double digits, you get to be arrested with dignity by one cop! This is just beyond sick. I don’t want just an apology for their racist actions, I want those cops involved to be punished and for Donald Neely to sue the police department. America is so freaking bigoted. I’ve dealt with being discriminated firsthand here and that’s something some of you will never deal with in your lives. Name one white person in 2019 who was treated like Donald Neely. Exactly. I can’t ignore the mistreatment of others just because of their race and I hate how demonic people get softer treatment. I’m beyond infuriated as I recover from being sick.

I had to get these things off my chest. This dehumanization needs to stop.

Disney and Beyonce need to stop giving me carte blanche to rant about that stupid rip-off movie franchise and how they rip off stuff again (or CAN YOU FEEL THE HEIST TONIIIIIGHT?)

I’m sorry. I seriously didn’t expect to make a rant involving the best-selling piece of plagiarism in movie history. Okay, I did get a smile on my face how that remake has been getting negative reviews, but I still get frustrated with their fans defending the indefensible.

However, recent situations and discoveries are only proving me right more and more!

Let’s recap on what The Lion King has stolen thus far:

1: Kimba the White Lion. ‘Nuff said.

2: Trademarking the phrase “Hakuna Matata” which is totally cultural appropriation.

3: Withholding royalties from the late South African songwriter Solomon Linda for his song “Mbube” which was plagiarized into “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”. He died penniless and his heirs sued a licensing company and Disney for not giving credit to Mr. Linda and for the royalties which they wouldn’t get until 2006.

Then came a 4th reason and this one involves a music video, the most famous Destiny’s Child member, and a lesser-known South African musician of Congolese and Angolan descent.

So, Beyonce came out with the new music video for “Spirit” which is a song for The Lion King remake. It features imagery of a desert and people wearing blue and red traditional African clothing. Wouldn’t it be crazy if the imagery copied a long-form music video that came out last year? Oh…that actually happened.

Petite Noir is the originator in this story. He made a short film/long-form music video for his “La Maison Noir” EP. I’ve checked out his music and it’s really good. I bought his EP on Bandcamp not just because I liked the music video or his music, but to support a real artist who doesn’t steal from others. He even self-directed his own music video. Want to know the subtitle of it? The Gift and the Curse. HAHAHAHA! Get it? Because that Beyonce vanity project…I mean companion soundtrack is called The Lion King: The Gift! Wow, shame on Beyonce, director Jake Nava, and Disney for stealing someone else’s art. I hope Petite Noir lawyers up and sues all those parties involved.

Disney and Nala…I mean, Beyonce are only proving me right even more that this franchise is a legacy built on artistic larceny. First, Japan, then multiple Swahili-speaking countries, and South Africa TWICE now?! They really have no shame.

I really didn’t want to do a post bashing this movie franchise again, but it was deserved.

Now if you excuse me, I’m going to rock out to Petite Noir’s EP at the moment. Dear Beyhive, your so-called goddess isn’t infallible whether she got Mickey Mouse money or not. Disney fans, your favorite company isn’t innocent.

A Short Rant Poem About Crowned Copycats

No, I have no interest in going to the theater
When alleged creators won’t stand by their thievery
That’s not even getting into coded stereotypes
No thank you, I’m just fine staying away
I know you were trying to troll me
And trying to relive your childhood
How shallow do you have to be by defining your childhood
By a multi-million dollar funded lie?


Okay, the poem’s done, but I had to get this off my chest.

So many people in real life are proving me right. Just saying. SMH.