Accusations Towards My (Small) Ego

Pretentious! Egotist! Arrogant!

Could you be more untrue?

If I was any of those things, I’d be making more money and more respected by everyone.

When was the last time you heard me compliment myself?

I can’t do that unless I earned the right to do so.

However, everyone else seems to brag a lot, and they don’t face any consequences or accusations.

Let me guess: “It’s bragging, but they can back it up!”

“What’s wrong with having self-confidence?”

I guess that doesn’t apply to me, as my self-esteem has been covertly and overtly raped for most of my life.

Superiority complexes are those who hide their inferiority complexes even if I don’t know how they feel inferior.

I’m upfront about my low self-esteem and self-loathing, so that doesn’t apply to me.

I loathe these accusations about me having such a giant ego when I’m too broken to have one.

Are you ready for the accusations I have against any of you who dare to paint me as something I’m not?

This Rant Had To Happen From This TikTok Creator About People Questioning Her Parentage

I hard relate to this rant since this woman and I have a few things in common. Both of us have a lighter complexion and are descendants of interracial couples where we have Caucasian dads and African-American moms. What really grinds my gears is when I see people questioning people like us when it comes to talking about racism or specifically Black issues. Give this woman a freaking medal for calling that nonsense out. Not every person from a mixed family acts like a sellout or is (god forbid) a “tragic mulatto”. That is one term I will not tolerate being addressed as such. She was on point by talking about how she deals with racism even with the so-called “light skin privilege” and how even Black people with two Black parents question her experiences. Don’t get it twisted, I don’t lie about the fact that I have a white parent, but I sure as heck have NEVER been treated like I was white and it’s not just because I have a noticeable amount of melanin despite having a lighter skin tone. That didn’t stop me from getting called the N-word, getting profiled at some stores, people low-key and overtly discriminating against me, and so on. Also, not everyone from a mixed family has lighter skin such as Jordan Peele, for example. One’s parentage isn’t their fault! I’m also glad that Phil called out those people as well and also mentioned how some people who would be considered biracial have been harder on white supremacy and racism compared to some people with two Black parents (the footage of Candace Owens during that part of the video to prove his point was too hilarious even if she’s an easy punchline). You can even throw Larry Elder, Herschel Walker, and Whoopi Goldberg (yeah, I said it!) to that portfolio, but that’s a story for another day. Don’t these trolls know that this categorization and name-calling about “not being Black [enough]” only adds to the division and discord even when those who could be considered biracial/multiracial are genuine in fighting against bigotry?

I’m just sick of this litmus test imposed on people like me and it needs to stop. Just because you have some people from mixed-race families who act like sellouts doesn’t mean everyone else is. So what? Are you going to bash Colin Kaepernick or even the late Frederick Douglass because they have white parents? Those haters deserve to be ignored. This woman should keep on speaking the truth. Seriously, I’ve been frustrated like her whenever I was bashed just because of my parentage when I’m not even being confrontational or rude. It disgusts me whenever I get excoriated just because I have a white dad, but actual racist jerks don’t get that kind of energy from those same people.

Can’t You Tell I’ve Been Very Frustrated Since Blogging Again On Here?

Maybe I’m just too angry to do something creative on here. Wow, what a massive divergence from the original intent of the blog, right?

There have been too many stories that make my blood boil (the Carolyn Bryant one was a major example, as you know). I keep on seeing people giving passes to various individuals and companies when they clearly don’t deserve it. The trademark game has become maddening when I found out months ago that the word “Juneteenth” got trademarked with that now-discontinued Wal-Mart ice cream flavor. It seems like everyone wants to appropriate Africa and the diaspora at large with the culture, ethnic groups, and languages. I don’t want to come off as shallow to the point where I would feel awkward talking about positive things or stuff that I like on here. Oh…this is the internet. It’s where people bash everyone for daring to like something unless you have “protected interests” and hobbies like mainstream sports or Disney. God forbid you question anything, yeah?

I really need to do better with posting good content even if I’m raising awareness about certain issues. Life is maddening.

A Long-Delayed Rant About Someone

Apologies for not having a meaningful post like what I’ve been having recently, but I have to get something off my chest.

I made a short thing in passing among other subjects in a post long ago, but I need to vent about someone online who shall remain nameless.

I’m sorry for trying to relate to you and some of the struggles that you’ve mentioned (especially with being literal vs. being sarcastic or some mental health issues). I’m sorry for enjoying some of your posts about different topics to name a few. It’s insulting that you have cussed me out in one comment or think I’m somehow wrong with whatever I believe or think about. Just because something isn’t your reality doesn’t mean it isn’t someone else’s. I hated how you gaslighted me and downplayed my personal experiences. You have some nerve only caring about issues that affect you just so you could retain some (toxic/delusional) optimism. How selfish and narcissistic of you. Let’s take your words and logic to their logical extreme. Let’s say (this is a hypothetical situation I clearly wouldn’t wish on ANYONE) that some melanated individuals who happen to be on the Autism spectrum are abused or killed in a hate crime. If that happened, you wouldn’t give a crap unless they looked like you or your family members. Don’t lie to me. You know I’m right. I know you’ve praised one abuser and made an excuse for not knowing her that much except for a role in a certain superhero movie. Would you say that if that person was a man? I have never disrespected or trolled you, yet you got big mad when I made a comment that wasn’t about you to begin with about how some of the same people who tell me not to overanalyze fiction’s implications are the same ones who will defend any kind of bigotry or abusers out there. I thought it possibly went into spam or I forgot to hit “enter” at first, but I didn’t know you deleted it until you ranted after the fact. I wasn’t talking about you, but your actions proved me right and you became EXACTLY like the people who have psychologically manipulated and BULLIED me! You know what they say…The guilty dog will bark first and loudest if you pardon the slight twist to that saying. I guess separating the art and artist is your free get-out-of-jail card for people you like who do or say bad things. I wasn’t even attacking you this whole time and I’m tired of you being superficial. Don’t even use your mental or emotional health as carte blanche to be disrespectful because I never had that excuse despite having actual neurological issues. If I wanted to diss you to kingdom come, I’d be a lot more vindictive, but you better thank whatever god you believe in (but if you’re agnostic or atheist, I won’t judge you if that’s the case) that I suck at insulting or bullying people. You should also be thankful that I’m not some troll who is confrontational to everyone even if I have controversial opinions. I’m no saint, but don’t act like you’re an innocent victim when you’re more offended by me mentioning my experiences of being bullied, victimized because of my ethnic heritage (something you will NEVER experience in your freaking life!), or talking about horrible things involving popular media than more severe forms of injustice just because they never happened to you!

I never insulted you, yet you’ve treated me like garbage just because what I’ve said doesn’t fit your narrative even when I wasn’t talking about you. I hope you get a moment of clarity where you realize what you did and said was wrong. It’s a slim chance that will happen, but I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive you unless you have a sincere apology for me. Shame I’m not used to seeing people actually owning up to THEIR misdeeds.

A Post Where I Verbally Bash Myself

Why do I even bother doing these things?

If I didn’t think I was a pathetic individual for most of my life, I would be doing so much better with everything I try.

My creativity is overrated at best and whatever I create is just going to be bashed and mocked.

Why bother working as hard as you can when it doesn’t play out well?

Maybe I should just shut up more often even though I’m quiet in my offline life most of the time. Why not? It seems like everyone is allowed to speak up about different topics and concerns except me! HAHAHAHAHA! Wow, it seems like I’m always wrong no matter how hard I research things or doing my best to provide some semblance of logic.

It would be cool if I had better interests that I don’t feel so obligated to defend like obscure films, geography, or something random like indie BritWres or Caribbean cricket. I don’t know that many people that were bullied that much for what they liked.

Me mentioning important news? HA! I do care about these stories, so don’t get it twisted, but I wonder how many others care like I do. Maybe I just care too much for my own good. God forbid I want to see people treated like humans for once or for there to be equality.

I guess I’m just more frustrated than I thought. I could still be posting whenever I can, but it’s tough to increase my own self-esteem lest I be accused of being *GASP!* arrogant. Then again, it seems OTHER people can straight-up brag about themselves, but they get the benefit of “backing it up” or “they’re egotistical, but they have a point”!

People have no standards and force their lies onto me. Shame on me for believing in their psychological abuse especially with the gaslighting and downplaying of various facts.

A Microscopic Rant

It’s better to talk about current events and serious news.

Why bother doing anything else, especially in the creative category?

Come on, I have to find SOME way where I don’t feel like a worthless blogger, let alone a person!

I do care. I don’t want to be shallow.

When you’ve been pressured into being silent for so long, you have no choice but to unleash that emotion and speak up.

Well, apparently everyone else has an excuse to do so except me, but you didn’t hear that from yours truly.

Maybe in addition to talking about important things, perhaps calling people out could be in order?

Who cares if my content won’t be as entertaining as it used to be (the reasons why one would be entertained is irrelevant even though I’m sure people are talking crap about me in other places)? Nobody cares about anything else I do! Hahahahaha!!! XD

Tell Me Why We Should Erase This History

I’m not sorry for putting these pictures of Emmett Till on here. Some of you may not have heard of this situation, especially my non-American audiences. Keep in mind Emmett was only FOURTEEN when those white supremacists slaughtered him all because of Carolyn Bryant’s lie. They mobbed him, profusely beat him up, shot above his ear, thrown in the Tallahatchie River, and there was a cotton gin fan blade anchoring his corpse. His body was found by two boys who were busy fishing in the river and found his body. I want you to gaze at his disfigured body knowing that information. If you think that it’s okay to erase the history of slavery, racism, abuse, and white supremacist terrorism or God forbid you think Emmett Till deserved it, then unfollow me right now because I don’t need people like you around here. I get that I’ve been talking about Emmett Till a lot lately once the 1955 warrant resurfaced in that Mississippi courthouse, but I need to do my best to spread what information whether in the past or present. It sickens me how you have politicians and special interest groups who want to erase this uncomfortable history of America where innocent blood was shed. Not to get too theological on you, but the shedding of innocent blood pollutes the land (Psalms 106:38). Emmett Till wasn’t the only one, but he was the one that got enough attention to kickstart the Civil Rights Movement. Does anyone want to tell me that this is a blameless country or God’s country? Only a devil would do something like this and it’s infuriating how people like Carolyn got away with it. Let me ask you a question. When was the last time in America when a white boy was lynched because of a Black woman lying on him and Black men slaughtered that aforementioned boy? Exactly. If that isn’t proof positive of the racially-coded double standards in this nation, I don’t know what is. If that hypothetical situation did happen, it would be all over the news and the Black assailants would be executed on site. Stop preaching to me to be positive all the time when there are catacombs for closets here. There are too many people excusing evil acts like these.

I wouldn’t call it a rollercoaster, but…

It’s been 4 weeks since I posted anything on this blog.

November has been an insanely busy month with life’s ups and downs. There’s work, my mental health taking a toll at times, and I didn’t do anything creative. I’ve been internalizing a ton of stress, depression, and anger about different things. More lies have been exposed in my life and I’m still adjusting to different realities whether they involve me or not. There are so many hypocrites and I want to do my best to combat these double standards. I should’ve been stronger. I should’ve been more cognizant. I should’ve been better at finding whatever confidence I have (or what’s left of it) when others don’t get undermined like I have been. How I will progress with my creative works remains to be seen.

I will be erratic in posting until I can get certain things in order.

P. S. Thank God those devils got convicted for killing Ahmaud Arbery. It’s a shame that they would’ve gotten away with it had those atrocities not have been filmed.