Sometimes I wonder if it is worth creating things. I wish I never had thoughts of some negative futures. If only I could rewrite my own past where I was never mistreated whether overtly or covertly, but that will never happen.
So much self-realization after weeks of reflection
An anniversary shows up after getting the gown and cap
I proved I could make it in four year’s time on time
Some of my peers couldn’t even say that
While I wasn’t a valedictorian or salutatorian in that realm
I still took my studies seriously
There were things I learned which I appreciated
But as I grew older, I’ve been realizing what I DIDN’T learn regardless if it was relevant to my degree or not
Socializing was a trial by fire of sorts
I was awkward at times, I do confess
I was too music of a music fan and didn’t talk about my other interests that much.
With that said, I realized how much I was in hell
Self-righteous fake Christians moralizing and wrecking my self-esteem in subtle ways
Some men and women got to be psychological rapists to me while pretending to be my friend
I wish I knew about the insidious and hidden attacks to my mind
One attempt failed when one person said “White power!” to my face my sophomore year
Boy, did I give him and his buddies the riot act by yelling at them that day
Overt, covert…didn’t matter
I didn’t deserve the torture
While I’m thankful for certain professors teaching me and making some legit friendships,
I underestimated the negatives
I should’ve progressed farther after the fact
There were situations out of my control and some were in control, but I should’ve improved in the latter
Hidden pains wreck my psyche with these echoes of the past
I hope to succeed better than all the fake friends and true enemies I knew during those four years
And not be crippled by my regrets
Easier said than done.
There has been so much tragedy and insanity going on recently. There were mass shootings not even a week apart, someone holding up National Guard members at gunpoint when they were transporting vaccines, and how certain judges seem to be cool with domestic abuse when it comes to actresses admitting to doing it to their former husbands mong other things.
Not going to lie, I’ve been still dealing with so many negative emotions. There have been some good things and I’ve been busy with other real life things, but I’m just beyond frustrated with some of these current events on the news while also at the same time realizing how my self-esteem has been messed up for years now. These events that have nothing to do with me and other things I went through make me feel like I’m proven right about so many things about life in all of it’s cruelty and unfairness.
DON’T TELL ME LIFE’S NOT FAIR!
That’s an insult to my intelligence and I don’t want to rant about all the bad things that happened to me or how certain people get away with everything when they shouldn’t.
It doesn’t help that it feeds into my solipsism which I’m surprisingly not called out on as much as I thought. There are times where I believe I’m the only person who suffers from this or that because I don’t see someone else go through what I went through for example. I’ve held back a lot of anger and sadness. Whenever I would talk to someone about someone else doing something bad, then I’m rarely ever believed. I also don’t believe anything unless I see it or hear about it (assuming if someone is telling the truth). Yeah, I’m a real doubting Thomas, right?
They don’t necessarily have to be big egregious stories with me. I just look at certain posts or news articles about different situations and I just say to myself “Thank you for proving me right!” whether something fits the narrative or not. Of course, I never get a chance to rub it in anyone’s face whenever that happens, so it can be frustrating for me since I feel like certain people I know offline treat me like I’m wrong even when I know I’m right. Alas, I’m held to a different standard compared to others.
However, I have to keep focused. It’s not like I have a time machine to erase every bad thing that happened to me or to fix various mistakes. This is still a long healing process and I hope I can see this through even with all the craziness, injustice, and blatant hypocrisy in this world.
Here’s a break from my poetry and other posts. I am aware about the serious issues going on from this week alone, so this isn’t me ignoring what’s going on around the world. This kind of started after listening to James Humphrey and Imo Emah’s podcast series where they critique some Disney movies of all things which were quite interesting. I’m glad they weren’t sycophants covering all these movies which was a huge plus. Going with that as well as still self-analyzing all the psychological damage I received in my life, I really got to thinking about how I was made fun of for what I liked as well as what I didn’t liked.
Before I get into these thoughts, I will promise you that I’m not going to beat a dead horse about that freaking 90s franchise that some of my regular readers know I love to bash on here and my film review blog. It’s much bigger than that.
Did I ever like Disney movies when I was a kid? Of course. I wouldn’t lie about that. I stopped watching them when I was in my teens mainly because I really got into anime as well as starting to check out international movies. What really ticked me off during my high school and college years was being a target of bullying for what I liked. Anime and some superhero stuff (I used to play HeroClix back in the day) more so during my teens while I was insulted for liking independent music during my time at university. While I was bullied for worse things like my heritage which I won’t deny, I was also made fun of at college for NOT liking Disney stuff. I thought that was weird because I thought it was too childish even though I never voiced it out loud to anyone. Yet at the same time even to this day, I see adults rocking merch from the House of Mouse and NO ONE says anything. I’m not just talking about people in their 20s or 30s, I mean people old enough to be my parents and even grandparents. Is liking Disney in America one of those “bully-proof” or “acceptable” hobbies like sports, shoes, cars, or premium cable TV shows (think about the stuff on HBO, AMC, FXX, or Showtime) where no one can make fun of you? I’ve wondered about that.
I absolutely hated how that fandom would be treated with Mickey Mouse gloves while I was a laughingstock for watching Gankutsuou or listening to Starflyer 59 among other examples. How was it that other people could watch “kiddie” movies and shows with no pushback? I’ve wondered that for years and I was furious on the inside. For years, I wanted to find ways where I can figure out people before I would insult them for what they liked if they had issues with me, but I never had the opportunity to do so. There were ideas of bashing the movies they watched, how they have bad animated role models, or how formulaic the plots are. As I got older, I got more rhetorical ammunition against that fandom with the racism, sexism, or malevolent corporate stuff I’ve learned about with the house that Walt built. If I knew about these issues then like I know now, I would give them all the riot act and try to verbally break their self-esteem as retaliation for all the insults I’ve received from them by dropping all these facts in their faces. There’s still vitriol against other fans that was compounded as I put up with petty insults as well as severe verbal attacks in different topics. It’s a miracle I didn’t blow up on bloggers who like the works from that company especially when it comes to multiple movie examples I’ve openly criticized including the one example I don’t need to bring up again at this time (trust me, I would’ve made some people look like hardcore bigots just with that one example if I knew all that baggage back then). Sometimes, I wonder how I can even read reviews from bloggers I enjoy that happen to cover movies from the Mouse and not have a conniption fit in the process. Yes, I still have anger about this subject with various fandoms being treated better than the topics I enjoy. No wonder I like other things like history, geography, and avant-garde stuff even though I also enjoy lesser topics.
As I continued this self-realization, I knew this was hypocrisy on them. I still hate how I get bashed for liking certain things while no one insults them or at the very least I don’t see them. Part of me wonders of there were other intersections about me that made me a target like race, my personality, mental health, etc. Part of it was jealousy. Even to this day, I struggle with sometimes caring too much about what others think. It’s really tough when I get demonized for standing up for myself even when I’m not doing or saying anything wrong. I even thought that if I had my way back then, I’d make sure people would be forced to respect my hobbies and interests while also having all the right rhetorical arguments to bash someone’s hobbies if they dared try to insult what I like. Look, I’m not Jesus here. I’m not trying to be some perfect individual or some flawless moral guardian. I don’t want to lie about some of the thoughts I had even when it comes to jealousy and sorting out my psychological baggage. There was jealously in wishing that I was never hurt by anyone no matter how petty or severe the attacks are against me. I was also angry how I felt like not many people were criticizing them or worse, extolling the bad things that have been documented. While I still get angry at people giving those movies and that company a pass for everything, part of that anger stems from jealousy and not just doing my best to call out evil in this world.
I know this isn’t some mind-enriching post, but I just feel like I have to get this off my chest as I’m still trying to make sense of my mental state.
It’s scientifically proven that smiling is easier since there’s less muscles to use.
If it was physically easier, then why does it still hurt after the fact? I can’t lie to you, I have struggled in the past as being a people pleaser of sorts. Blogging has helped diminish that somewhat, but it still lingers. I tried telling people I wasn’t alright, but they tell me I should keep smiling more or they wouldn’t care about how bad I would feel then. Whether it was me being depressed or angry, it was somehow a nuisance to them. This was just bad advice in hindsight and probably affected my mental health in low key ways.
Are people that inconvenienced at best or scared at worst when I’m in a negative mood? Then again, I’ve seen my fair share of other people acting up way worse than I even could on my worst days and no one seems to call them out, but it’s whatever…
On here or my other blogs, I’d feel like I’d be lying if I said everything was pure sunshine even if I was genuinely happy when I typed something out.
I just wished others including my own friends and family would listen to me and care about my emotional well-being. It’s a shame how some people told me I’m being selfish for asking such a thing, but others aren’t. Thanks for feeding my solipsism, jerks.
Sorry for not having any poetry or any creative posts today. Smiling can be such a chore for me even before these pandemic-filled times. Shame on everyone who subtly violated my mental health in such stealthy ways years ago. This isn’t some kind of sympathy post. I had to get this off my chest as I’m self-analyzing my life.
It’s been a while since I did a personal rant, but I’ve bottled up a lot of emotions recently.
As if this past year wasn’t stressful enough for everyone, I have just had enough of internalizing everything. One recurring thought I’ve had was thinking that I’m somehow always wrong and that so many bad things have happened to me. Have there been bad things that happened in my life? Yes. However, sometimes I feel like I’m the only person it ever happens to which adds to bouts of solipsism from time to time. Look, I don’t label myself as some perfect person or some beacon of morality. I’d be a filthy liar if I said that. I have low self-esteem, can be socially awkward at times, passive, can struggle with hidden meaning in people’s words, been bullied to the point of silence, thinking only bad things happen to me, and I don’t know how to be quick-witted. Whenever I had to tell on someone when I was younger, most of the time, no one would do anything about it. If I did something wrong or tried to defend myself (I’m not talking about getting physical), then I was somehow in the wrong.
It’s been rough with bottling up depressing thoughts, anger, and other negative emotions even if I’m smiling on the outside. Am I the only person this happens to? I certainly have enough self-control to not do something heinous with these emotions, so that’s a plus. What does anger me is when so many people get away with so many things. That doesn’t surprise some of you who’ve followed this blog for a while. I’ve dealt with therapists who’ve insulted me in the past which certainly burned. This feeling of being disrespected and people getting away with it even if I speak up was like being psychologically violated. It really didn’t help when I discovered long after the fact how I was being devalued in subtle ways (dog whistles, low-key insults, etc.). I would even do things out of spite to make people leave me alone like “hating” things I admitted to liking or trying to use people’s insults against them in obscure ways. Yeah, it didn’t work. That’s probably no wonder why I’ve been tempted to shame some bloggers even for something as simple as a thought on a movie, for example. I didn’t see anyone else suffer in that way, so I thought they had healthy stable lives. There have been far worse things that have happened to me in real life, but I saw so many things as negative. Glass half empty? That describes how I saw the world even during my childhood. It just sucks having to harbor so many of these bad flashbacks in my brain even when I try to forget or ignore them.
Blogging and having creative endeavors have been cathartic whether it’s poetry, writing reviews, making videos, or other things. Shame how I struggle with thinking I’m a worthless person from time to time, but at least it kept me busy when I wasn’t at work or studying for example.
Personally, it’s a miracle that anyone would be interested in what I type about or present. I wish I didn’t have to pretend everything is fine online and especially offline. Sorry for rambling. I had to get these things off my chest.
I don’t feel like doing anything poetic. I need to let off some steam about the chaos going on. This climate has made me sad, furious, and nervous among other things. Some of the answers should be obvious to some of you when I ask these questions.
How insane is it that reporters are getting assaulted and arrested just for doing their jobs? People know it’s violating freedom and the press and the 1st Amendment, right?
How is it that the Third Amendment would actually come up in conversation outside of the confines of a US government or citizenship class? The fact that it was invoked to get National Guard troops out of DC hotels in my lifetime is mind blowing. It even trended on Twitter of all places, too!
What does this say about society when Sesame Street characters can show up at a CNN Town Hall and address the issues of racism, police brutality, white privilege, protesting, and reconciliation better than any politician of either major American political party during my lifetime?
How is it that plants and instigators of the peaceful protests get treated better than those who are legitimately protesting nonviolently? Also, why isn’t mainstream media going hard against the undercover agents looting and just blame every black person they see who happens to be nearby?
How is it that the Buffalo cops can still lie on an elderly white protestor, get caught lying when the video came out, or how 57 officers “resigned” in support of the police who pushed them? Once the video dropped, white America for one second got to see what it was like to be black when they saw someone who could be their grandfather, father, brother, or even them have his skull crack on the pavement and bleed while the authorities walked by like nothing happened.
How come “Reopen the State” Covidiots can threaten governors, policemen, and can show up willy-nilly with AK-47s and AR-15s on government property and no one does anything yet unarmed anti-racism protestors get met with batons, rubber bullets, flash grenades, or even military forces?
So teachers can be punished (suspended or fired) for yelling at children, yet a cop in Fontana, California can get paid leave for raping a minor 4 years ago, and just NOW get charged for it? I’m sorry, but if anyone doesn’t get fired and arrested for such a heinous act, then NOBODY should be fired!
Why aren’t Breonna Taylor’s killers even charged yet? She really needs justice and those murderers shouldn’t be able to get away scot-free for what they did.
How is it that whatever good cops are there get punished and/or bullied for calling out against police brutality or trying to stop abusive behavior, but the ones who do the abusing get protected?
A football player can conflate anti-racist causes with “disrespecting the flag” and one’s just right to have an opinion, but to call out against systemic racism and they should just “shut up and dribble”? Double standards much when it comes to athletes of certain complexions?
What does it say that people are more offended by people wanting equality than Mark Wahlberg actually committing hate crimes in the 80s against black and Vietnamese people? Boy, does this make Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch look like vile cultural appropriation in hindsight, don’t you think?
How is it that some Republicans can jump ship to support a Democrat? I’m an independent and even I was like “Wait? WHAAAAAT?! How is this possible?”. This makes no sense.
Why is it that the same people who try to stock up on arms in case there’s tyrannical activity in America are eerily silent about legit unconstitutional attacks on peaceful protestors and reporters?
How can so many countries actually protest against racial injustice at once regardless of their demographics?
Those are a few observations I’ve noticed over the past couple of weeks. Hypocrisy, bigotry, and mass confusion has been rattling my brain.
These past few posts since coming back from my unexpected hiatus have been loaded with negativity even though I was being honest.
Just know that none of that was towards any of my readers, so please understand that.
Weirdly enough, I have this reputation of being optimistic offline or occasionally online, but I’m surprised that people think that way. Then again, I did have a weakness of caring (too much) about what others think even though that’s been changing for years.
The problem is that I happened to internalize a lot of negativity, anger, and depression. It doesn’t help with my long-term memory and how I remember more bad things than good. The times where I try to get help or to get better, I get refused or people think I’m overreacting and over-analyzing. If this was someone else, then the world has to stop to help them.
Can’t you tell that I hate double standards? It’s no wonder I’ve been harboring so much frustration for most of my life and not look like anything’s wrong offline or online most of the time. I know I run the risk of sounding like I suffer from solipsism, but I seriously feel like I’m the only person who gets to suffer whether I do right or the times where I err and I personally don’t see any of that happening to anyone because it didn’t happen before my eyes. It really didn’t help when I was bullied during my youth because most of the teachers wouldn’t do anything even if I told on my enemies. Even when I was in college, these bullies would get away with so much and have connections with the student council or be considered popular. Wow, I guess me being interested in independent music or even obscure movies let alone having melanin made me a pariah. Boy, I wish I would’ve shamed everyone for their hobbies or interests as revenge to break their self-esteem. It’s a miracle how I can still smile or say anything positive from time to time.
Sorry for venting out some of my frustrations, everyone. I wish that none of you end up like me. I’m surprised that I still have people who appreciate my blogs, creative endeavors, reviews, or even my opinions on multiple subjects.
It’s list season and while this blog never had any fancy content, I thought it would be fine to do some kind of retrospective from the year that was 2019. These were the most viewed posts on Ospreyshire’s Realm last year. This was a mix of poetry, news, rants, awards, and music.
Feel free to check out these posts. Do you have any favorites? Which things did you like about the Ospreyshire blog in 2019?
For starters, I would like to thank K at the Movies for the term that inspired this mini-rant.
If someone likes Disney movies as an adult that’s okay, but if I tell people I like anime, I get made fun of.
If someone old enough to be my parents or grandparents rocks Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, etc on a short or jacket, no one says anything. I wear a shirt with Kimba the White Lion, then I’m supposedly weird.
Whenever the creators say or do bad things, they are easily forgiven. When I point out any unfortunate implications in these movies, then I’m over-analyzing or even called a racist or hateful for pointing them out.
Whenever Disney buys out a major company, it’s supposedly star spangled awesome. Any other conglomerate, then they are the evil empire.
Whenever Disney makes a new animated movie, it’s instantly awesome no matter what. When it’s any other company, it’s automatically garbage.
Whenever someone else uses princesses or fairy tales, they get called rip offs, but if you point out that Disney has plagiarized things (see: Kimba or Nadia: Secret of Blue Water), then it’s just coincidence or “everyone rips off something”.
Whenever someone says they hate Don Bluth or Dreamworks, it’s cool. When someone doesn’t like Disney, they are seen as villains!
Whenever Disney gives lip service to nonwhite ethnic groups, it’s progressive. When someone gets racebent, then it’s instantly Armageddon (See: the #NotMyAriel backlash).
Watch any cartoon with lots of anthropomorphic animal characters, and you get called a furry. Watch a Disney movie or cartoon with the same kinds of characters, and supposedly that’s exempt.
When an IP has a bunch of sequels or remakes, and that’s franchise milking. Disney does the same thing (especially their remakes currently), and that’s okay.
When some artist does horrible things, then they get shunned and blacklisted. When a Disney employee does horrible things, then they separate the art from the artist because their childhoods and fandom mean more than justice.
Those are examples I can think of at the moment. Anything of more double standards?