Internalizing Issues (A Rant)

It’s been a while since I did a personal rant, but I’ve bottled up a lot of emotions recently.

As if this past year wasn’t stressful enough for everyone, I have just had enough of internalizing everything. One recurring thought I’ve had was thinking that I’m somehow always wrong and that so many bad things have happened to me. Have there been bad things that happened in my life? Yes. However, sometimes I feel like I’m the only person it ever happens to which adds to bouts of solipsism from time to time. Look, I don’t label myself as some perfect person or some beacon of morality. I’d be a filthy liar if I said that. I have low self-esteem, can be socially awkward at times, passive, can struggle with hidden meaning in people’s words, been bullied to the point of silence, thinking only bad things happen to me, and I don’t know how to be quick-witted. Whenever I had to tell on someone when I was younger, most of the time, no one would do anything about it. If I did something wrong or tried to defend myself (I’m not talking about getting physical), then I was somehow in the wrong.

It’s been rough with bottling up depressing thoughts, anger, and other negative emotions even if I’m smiling on the outside. Am I the only person this happens to? I certainly have enough self-control to not do something heinous with these emotions, so that’s a plus. What does anger me is when so many people get away with so many things. That doesn’t surprise some of you who’ve followed this blog for a while. I’ve dealt with therapists who’ve insulted me in the past which certainly burned. This feeling of being disrespected and people getting away with it even if I speak up was like being psychologically violated. It really didn’t help when I discovered long after the fact how I was being devalued in subtle ways (dog whistles, low-key insults, etc.). I would even do things out of spite to make people leave me alone like “hating” things I admitted to liking or trying to use people’s insults against them in obscure ways. Yeah, it didn’t work. That’s probably no wonder why I’ve been tempted to shame some bloggers even for something as simple as a thought on a movie, for example. I didn’t see anyone else suffer in that way, so I thought they had healthy stable lives. There have been far worse things that have happened to me in real life, but I saw so many things as negative. Glass half empty? That describes how I saw the world even during my childhood. It just sucks having to harbor so many of these bad flashbacks in my brain even when I try to forget or ignore them.

Blogging and having creative endeavors have been cathartic whether it’s poetry, writing reviews, making videos, or other things. Shame how I struggle with thinking I’m a worthless person from time to time, but at least it kept me busy when I wasn’t at work or studying for example.

Personally, it’s a miracle that anyone would be interested in what I type about or present. I wish I didn’t have to pretend everything is fine online and especially offline. Sorry for rambling. I had to get these things off my chest.

I Longed For Someone Like Me

When I was in front of the silver screen or the tiny screen
When I immersed myself in hardcovers or paperbacks
I felt empty on the inside, but didn’t even know it then
As a child, I was impressionable
The others found their heroes (however fictional)
While I looked for others who didn’t look like me
Grasping for something to boost my esteem
As I died on the inside while being oblivious
The others found their heroes or morals
When they NEVER applied to me
The others assumed I was a villain
Who deserved to be punished at all costs
Even when I minded my own business
No prince, no superhero, no fairy tale protagonist
Looked like me
Years later, I was forced to create my own worlds and heroes
While it was constructive, I wished I did it sooner

Katauta #29

I have a hard time smiling most days anyway regardless of the situation.

Grammy, you will be missed.

It’s been very rough for me in these past few days.

I lost my Grammy Gloria, and it just saddens me.

She’s in that picture with my Granddad who passed away when I was 12 years old.

My Grammy lived to be 89 years young as she lived a full life being a great mother to my mom, aunt and uncle. Then eventually becoming a great grandmother to my sister, cousin, and I. She always wanted the best for me and she had lots of people who loved her.

I feel bad because this was unexpected and I just yearn to tell her that I love her and care about her again.

Grammy, may the angels welcome you in the great pearly dimension. Tell Granddad I said hello. You’re both reunited in a place where there’s no more suffering.

You may be gone on Earth, but I’ll never forget the amazing memories I’ve had with you during my lifetime.

From your loving grandson,

-Curtis

Katauta #28

This has been a painful week so far and I’m still processing everything.

My Grammy died earlier this week and I want to do something in her memory.

I made a Katauta that’s dedicated to her, but I’m also going to put another post later today about how I’ve been feeling after the fact.

RIP: Gloria Bland. You’ve lived a great life and you are loved so much.

I wish you could come back and really show how much I care about you.

-Curtis