The selective logic just became more obvious
Those who thought the former duchess was attention seeking
Were the same who sobbed about Robin Williams and Chester Bennington to name a few
Saving face was the name of the game
As people become keyboard mental health activists of convenience
Where was MY sympathy whenever I spoke up about my issues years ago?
I wouldn’t be surprised if my former bouts of self-harm made certain people ecstatic
Mental health only mattered to some
As the addendums don’t need to be addressed explicitly or reverse engineered dog whistles
Others should be thankful I’m not a troll or a bully
Who knows what psychological damage I could do if I was good at insulting others
Maybe being kind wasn’t as much of a weakness (even with my bouts of solipsism)
Digital facades have always been on parade
As I’ve seen those who’ve said “Be kind!”
Have been total douchebags offline and/or online
Spare me the fake encouragement
This past week allowed me to be unexpectedly self-reflective all of a sudden. In between my blogging life, work, adulting, and everything, I was really thinking about how my life was affected negatively in ways I didn’t even think about.
It’s one thing being physically attacked which I won’t downplay if that’s happened, but bruises and cuts can heal as well as being seen. The mind is far tougher to heal.
I don’t want to be to explicit or wax some grand life story, but I started to understand the causes and effects with how I view things. There are struggles with my mental health as well as my shattered self-esteem that I’ve mentioned before, but I’ve been realizing more and more how I was damaged psychologically. It wasn’t just about explicit insults, but there was a lot of low-key things.
-Being told that I can’t do something or join a certain group because it is “too difficult”. (Geez, dog whistle, much?)
-Being told to just take insults and potshots with a grain of salt while others getting what they want as well as making me the bad guy if I fired back with hurtful words.
-One time a former female co-worker complained about my “male voice” despite never raising my voice at her, around her, or trying to divert attention somewhere else. If the situation was reversed and I complained about her or any woman about her voice, I’d be called a sexist. Back then, I had NEVER heard that as a negative thing before years ago.
-People making fun of my interests, but if I make fun of them in return, they suddenly freak out if I knew about their weaknesses.
-My masculinity was questioned just because I was more into artsy things instead of sports by a couple of people. Dead serious.
-My peers doing some egregious things with impunity, but I do something far less severe and I’m punished for it.
-There were times where I apologized for things I didn’t do even though no one believed me that I didn’t do something when I was a kid.
-I was told by a now-ex-friend that I was being “unchristlike” when I vented out some frustration online even though I wasn’t attacking anyone. I wished I never sought this person’s validation when it came to friendship or even music. They even insulted me and humiliated me while pretending to console me after the fact and I should’ve called out this person more often. Maybe this person wanted a medal for mistreating me while trying to seem righteous while using me or others to get some indie rep or possibly moving to Portland…
That’s just some of the things among worse examples that are far more profane. Some of these emotions welled up and I held a lot of it inside.
There were some very negative side effects because I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone since no one would believe me or they say I’m making this a bigger deal than it should be. Not only that, but I wouldn’t talk to people for hours on end and I even had periods of self-harm years ago which really didn’t help. I just kept smiling despite being full of agony as I was going along to get along. As I get older, I realized how much others have used me as some kind of object or stepping stone without me knowing about it, how I’m not allowed to speak my mind, or how I’m supposed to just be oppressed with these microaggressions. It’s no wonder I’ve been so messed up in different ways, and I feel like I have to be an autodidact with my recovery. This isn’t going to be instantaneous.
I’m not sorry for this being a more depressing post. I wished I never had any pain in my life as well as immediately identifying all attempts of abuse at me even during my childhood. Shame how so many people never took my issues seriously.