Thoughts and Delving into My Bad Habit of Self-Loathing

I wondered if encouraging others and showing support was enough.

While it felt good saying kind words, promoting the works of others, and even purchasing some works of others whenever I had a bit of fun money (books, music, art, etc.), I wondered if my words and actions mattered in the long run. There were some thankful people which is awesome and I appreciate it, but sometimes I wouldn’t get a response after doing something kind to someone. I pondered if I was somehow not good enough to support others and don’t even get me started about my experiences of some very ungrateful people out there. It made me think if my support and help even mattered to others. How should I know? Sometimes I never get the responses if anyone actually cares.

Besides that, I’ve been doing my best not to feel down…again.

I feel like every day I remember horrible memories and how certain things said and done to me were more abusive in hindsight. There were times that I wish I would’ve stuck with different hobbies or skills. Then I will be more appreciated by others and people would be forced to say that I have talents instead of having to prove everything to anyone or everyone. If I had more confidence back then, I would make sure to shut down their insults quickly. Maybe I would’ve counteracted to verbally destroy their self-esteem to defend myself. Life is really stupid like that as I know the past can’t be changed. I could keep creating things, but I know they won’t be up to par no matter how much effort I put in. I can’t lie. I’ve also been jealous of other bloggers on WordPress as they seem to have better lives than I do, have more self-esteem, and somehow always know the right words to say.

Music Spotlight: “The Love You Save (May Be Your Own)” by Joe Tex

Recently, I’ve been having a kick of listening to classic R&B, soul, and blues. There were so many artists that I have ignored after listening to so much music that was released when I was alive. After researching music plagiarism and how so many forms of Black music were stolen and appropriated without credit (contrary to semi-popular belief, I’m not just talking about “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” or the documentary The Lion’s Share). I underestimated how bad it was in America, but that’s a story for another time.

This is a ballad from the singer Joe Tex which dates back to 1966 called “The Love You Save (May Be Your Own)”. I had never heard of Joe Tex or his music until just a few weeks ago, and this was the first song I heard from him. I stumbled across it when I researched how rock, blues, soul, and R&B were stolen en masse and this song was mentioned. This sound is haunting with the waltz time, orchestration, and Tex’s mournful vocals. The part of the song that really hit me hard was the second verse. Here are the lyrics that stood out to me:

“I’ve been pushed around
I’ve been lost and found
I’ve been given til sundown
To get out of town
I’ve been taken outside
And I’ve been brutalized
And I’ve had to always be the one to smile and apologize”

WOW! Those are tremendous words and it shows how so many musicians in multiple genres are such sheltered cowards while also being extremely relatable even though this came out decades before I was born. The sundown line is brutal since he’s clearly talking about sundown towns. Those were towns where Black people had to leave before night lest they be slaughtered by the white population during the Jim Crow era. The line that really hit me in the feels was the last one in that quote. I have a bad habit of apologizing too much and there were times where I was coerced to do so even when I didn’t do anything wrong. I HATE being treated like the bad guy when others are exalted for worse things! A song like that could ONLY be written by someone like him, but even I could relate to those lyrics even if it’s not entirely for the exact same reasons. How did I not know about Joe Tex or his music until now?

I hope you enjoy the song.

I Wished Loving Myself Was Easy

The title said it all

Years of brainwashing and not knowing it
Caused me to falter in ways I never realized
All because of factors I couldn’t control

Skin pigmentation
Mental state
My personal hobbies

I was a target for all to destroy
No matter how hard I tried
I was destined to fail
If time machines existed, I’d change so many things to be better in my past
It would be the only way to get respect and no one would hurt me anymore