This past week allowed me to be unexpectedly self-reflective all of a sudden. In between my blogging life, work, adulting, and everything, I was really thinking about how my life was affected negatively in ways I didn’t even think about.
It’s one thing being physically attacked which I won’t downplay if that’s happened, but bruises and cuts can heal as well as being seen. The mind is far tougher to heal.
I don’t want to be to explicit or wax some grand life story, but I started to understand the causes and effects with how I view things. There are struggles with my mental health as well as my shattered self-esteem that I’ve mentioned before, but I’ve been realizing more and more how I was damaged psychologically. It wasn’t just about explicit insults, but there was a lot of low-key things.
Some examples:
-Being told that I can’t do something or join a certain group because it is “too difficult”. (Geez, dog whistle, much?)
-Being told to just take insults and potshots with a grain of salt while others getting what they want as well as making me the bad guy if I fired back with hurtful words.
-One time a former female co-worker complained about my “male voice” despite never raising my voice at her, around her, or trying to divert attention somewhere else. If the situation was reversed and I complained about her or any woman about her voice, I’d be called a sexist. Back then, I had NEVER heard that as a negative thing before years ago.
-People making fun of my interests, but if I make fun of them in return, they suddenly freak out if I knew about their weaknesses.
-My masculinity was questioned just because I was more into artsy things instead of sports by a couple of people. Dead serious.
-My peers doing some egregious things with impunity, but I do something far less severe and I’m punished for it.
-There were times where I apologized for things I didn’t do even though no one believed me that I didn’t do something when I was a kid.
-I was told by a now-ex-friend that I was being “unchristlike” when I vented out some frustration online even though I wasn’t attacking anyone. I wished I never sought this person’s validation when it came to friendship or even music. They even insulted me and humiliated me while pretending to console me after the fact and I should’ve called out this person more often. Maybe this person wanted a medal for mistreating me while trying to seem righteous while using me or others to get some indie rep or possibly moving to Portland…
That’s just some of the things among worse examples that are far more profane. Some of these emotions welled up and I held a lot of it inside.
There were some very negative side effects because I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone since no one would believe me or they say I’m making this a bigger deal than it should be. Not only that, but I wouldn’t talk to people for hours on end and I even had periods of self-harm years ago which really didn’t help. I just kept smiling despite being full of agony as I was going along to get along. As I get older, I realized how much others have used me as some kind of object or stepping stone without me knowing about it, how I’m not allowed to speak my mind, or how I’m supposed to just be oppressed with these microaggressions. It’s no wonder I’ve been so messed up in different ways, and I feel like I have to be an autodidact with my recovery. This isn’t going to be instantaneous.
I’m not sorry for this being a more depressing post. I wished I never had any pain in my life as well as immediately identifying all attempts of abuse at me even during my childhood. Shame how so many people never took my issues seriously.
Tag Archives: Trauma
The Unknowing Trauma Bond
Why was I so naive to try and befriend my eventual abusers?
Psychological violations were low-key
To my own brain and esteem
Shame on me, for only seeing their talent or their facades
No class ever taught me about gaslighting
Why was I so stupid thinking I could redeem them?
Saying sorry even for things that weren’t my fault
Became some kind of vicarious intent for these vampires
When I stood up on my own two feet
That’s where they wanted me to change my name to Billie Eilish (if she was relevant during those times, pardon the pun)
I might as well have been the son of Satan himself in their eyes
None of my peers went through what I went through
This arrested developmental was pure stealth in subterfuge
Hugging me while my back became a corporeal sheath to them
Those same parasites never had my consent when they got to my psyche
No AT Field was there to protect the cortex
Perpetual scapegoating…
Avoiding my judgmental glances…
It was a like those blizzard cyclones that plague New England even when those who control them flee to become a Northwesterner (Nor’Wester?)
I never saw agony in their beings. They might as well sing pop punk tunes and name a band after a Blink or Ataris ditty
#FirstWorldProblems is what their laments sound like
Stockholm got the better of my judgment and I never knew why
I’m sick of having to prove my worth, intelligence, and humanity to them, my own friends…
…and you.
Ascending Visions
Frequencies had tiers
This was new to me
Falsehoods plagued me even when I didn’t see it
Like a subtle poison, I couldn’t taste the venom until it was too late
I bonded with my abusers
And didn’t know it happened
Because not all mistreatment was physical
Psychological chattel…
I thought you only needed chains to remain captive
What a gigantic way to stand corrected
I wanted to go beyond these invisible barriers
As I overlooked catacombs full of visions
Something happened to me and I didn’t know it all this time
Shame on me for believing that good conquers evil all the time
While I have a tall stature, I was still far too small
To make real change
As I was called a liar despite telling the truth
I was called an instigator despite being on the defense
Everything was my fault whether I did anything or not
I was ever the scapegoat for others while others were too childish to accept their wrongdoing
Was it a miracle that I didn’t hate humanity as a whole even with all the things I’ve learned and experienced?
I guess some hope lies within
Avoiding misanthropy
The ascension of frequencies appeared once more
Waves on waves show up to the cumulonimbus shores before crashing down to terra firma
Wash away my impurities…
Could Teresa Klein AKA Cornerstore Caroline get charged?
So there are some interesting questions that are being raised about this irksome situation.
For those of you not in the know, recently, there was this devil named Teresa Klein who was in a corner store in Brooklyn who claimed that a 9-year-old Black boy sexually assaulted her even though she lied about it. There was even video evidence from said store which shows the boy’s backpack brushing against her by accident. She flipped out, took her outrage on a child and his mother who was there. Also, Teresa decided to do some sexual poses at the store presumably to mock that family at the child’s expense before calling the cops on a CHILD! There was some smartphone footage of her arguing with the family and some passersby who were angry at her and she gets called Cornerstore Caroline as a way to continuing the trend of Caucasian people calling the cops on Black people for stupid reasons (see: Barbecue Becky, Permit Patty, et all.). On the same footage, Cornerstore Caroline claimed she was a police officer even though she’s not.
The videos went viral and these Brooklyn residents are rightfully upset at the situation. Had this not have been recorded, this could’ve been a modern-day Emmett Till situation given the history of wild and false accusations like this one. If the DA decides not to charge her with abusing 911, racial profiling, slander, or even doing lewd acts in front of a minor (why would she be worried about a 9-year-old touching her non-existent behind? Just saying.), one felonious thing she did while being caught on camera is lying about being a police officer! That alone should get her jail time and she was found dead to rights in making this false claim. I hope the people of Brooklyn pressure the DA to do the right thing. We can’t have individuals lying about being sexually abused let alone feeling threatened just because a Black person just happened to be in their vicinity. When they call the police, they’re implying that they want to see those people dead or at least locked up and people should be aware of that. This can’t go on and those heinous people need to be punished for threatening and traumatizing the community. Come on, if a Black person or any ethnic minority were to do the same thing to a White child by making up a story to call the cops on them, the caller would be in jail right now and laws would be passed to prevent anything like that from happening again. Cornerstore Caroline can’t get away with this form of child abuse via false claims to 911.
Video courtesy of The Advise Show.
Ospreyshire's Realm 